Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas / Feliz Navidad / Joyeux Noel / Frohe Weihnachten / 聖誕節快樂!!

Today, I celebrated my first American Christmas with Katrina's family. She came by around noon and picked me up, and we went to her house over on the other side of town. Her entire family was there, and I had an extremely fun time. For presents, we played white elephant, and I bought an aromatic flowering tea set, which her cousin seemed to enjoy a lot. In return, I got a coffee set from a Chicago coffee shop called "Intelligentsia", which I really enjoyed (both because I studied Russian history extensively in high school, and also because I love coffee in general). =D. I also ate a LOT of food...and took some away as well. And watched A Christmas Story for the first-ish time (I've seen little clips here and there but never the whole thing). Overall, it was a very awesome experience, Katrina's family is really fun to hang with.

Now I'm just kinda relaxing at home while trying to stay out of a second food coma (I had passed out once after getting home already). I'm enjoying the snow and ice that's outside right now...THATS what I wanted Christmas to be (no sarcasm). =D

Hope everyone I love and care about is doing well. Merry Christmas to all!

-FCDH

My Dysfunctional Family

Many people have asked me how I could be so callous about my family. Indeed, I do feel somewhat disconnected from my family. My relationship with my family is somewhat complicated, especially with my life history and weird family dynamics. Out of my 20 years in life, I've spent 18 with my mom, 15 with my sister, and 9 with my dad. Even right now, my dad works in Thailand, my sister works in China, and my mom lives in Taiwan, while I'm in the US. I think my family's one of the most disjointed families out there (I have not yet met another person with every member of their family in a different country). We are also a very traditional patriarchal Chinese family, with power and control resting primarily in the hands of my dad.

In my earliest memories of life in Taiwan, the bad memories outnumber the good memories by a pretty big margin. In fact, when I look back now, some of the instances might represent child abuse situations. I remember being in gr.1, getting something like a 99% or 98% on a math test, and being beaten by my dad for it. I remember getting beaten by my mom for going to a friend's house after school (that one I could understand, I didn't tell her beforehand that I was going so she was worried). I also remember getting beaten by my sister for taking too long in the shower. In general, I remember getting beaten a lot. I was pressured to play the piano, do absolutely perfect in school, take on speed reading classes and mental math classes, and other crap as well. At the time, I wasn't bitter, I was just numb. Life was depressing, and I didn't have any real friends that I could remember (apart from 1 person that I met in piano class who I've known for 15 years and counting =D).

Even after I moved to Canada, my dad still controlled the puppet strings of the family. I hated talking on the phone with him, because he would always preface the conversation with "so how is math and science?" Never anything else, even today. He reminds me of the Communist Party in China...he was always one to shoot down any traces of free thought or nonconformity in the family. It never really was "my future", it was always "his future". So in my high school years, I did what he had done: study hard, be a nerd, and get straight A's. I went to the university he chose, and into the major he chose for me. In some ways, I love him for it, because it contributed to who I am today. In other ways, I hate him for it, because I can never know what would have happened otherwise, and I will never know now.

When I say that family doesn't mean much to me, that's not completely true. I love my family, and everything that they've done to get me to where I am today. When I say that family does not mean much to me, I mean that my family's opinion and thoughts really don't mean anything to me now. All thanks to study abroad and interning abroad.

In my entire life, my dad and I had one real father-to-son conversation, where he actually LISTENED to what I was saying instead of just saying what he thought. It was in my sophomore year, when I was thinking about going to Tunisia to intern with Shell. It was just a musing on my part, I didn't actually pursue it seriously. He attempted to shoot the idea down as usual, except I countered with rational arguments to every point that he had. At the end, we were both so mad at each other, and he basically said "ok you can go but you won't be my son anymore," at which point I started crying and I hanged up on him. From that point on, even after he called to apologize, I just stopped caring about what he thought.

My sister and mom tried to do the same thing a week later, except with my musings of semester-long study abroad in Germany. My sister threw arguments about me using up the family savings on my college education, and I threw back her incredibly wasteful purchase of a new 3 bedroom apartment just for herself. Eventually she said "hey here's a thought. Why don't you stop taking money from us and start earning your own way and see how you like it?" At which point I said "fine with me. I'll take out student loans myself and make it through college. But I won't be calling this family my family anymore." At which point my sister went silent, my mom started crying, and I hanged up the phone. And that was when I stopped caring about the rest of my family.

I've already seen the results of following my dad's path, in my sister. She's missed out on so much in life, and I feel bad for her, but I'm not going to make the same mistake. I know I'm justified in wanting to live life my own way, and not anybody else's way. If it were not for the Chinese belief of filial devotion to parents, I would have severed this relationship long ago. As it is, my current path is diverging with that of my family, but I'm tired of walking their money-centric path. I don't care about getting filthy rich like my family wants, I just want to live a full life, something which only time can buy. So there, that's my history with my family...do you think I'm justified in feeling what I feel?

-FCDH

The Biggest Failure of the Republican Party

For any rational person, one does not have to look far to see that the American democratic system is corrupted, not blatantly with money or bribes (though there are arguments here that could be made), but with incompetence and a surprising amount of idiocy. We don't have to look very far at all...just look at the current Republican Party. Once the party of Lincoln, now the party of Sarah Palin. At the same time, the political structure of the USA seems to have settled down for the time being into two bipolar components: the Republican "Right", and the Democratic "Left". Any person who is up-to-date on current politics will know this.

The geopolitical structure in the US is so polarizing, in fact, that we've got nutcases like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck with their talk shows, and FOX news with their infamously biased news articles blasting blatant propaganda everyday. The Republican Party obviously does not support these views outright, as it would be political suicide to do so. But we only have to turn to idiotic remarks by GOP senators and leaders to see that their views correlate very, very well. There's always "socialism", "spreading the wealth", "elitism", "death panel", blah blah blah...such nonsense. And the GOP wonders why they don't get support from people with college educations.

The thing is, Republicans are struggling with all their might to cling onto anachronistic and outdated viewpoints; so much, in fact, that their message on key issues which transcend boundaries are lost in the clamor of things like anti-gay marriage, or resistance to action on climate change. Republicans need to face it: there are issues which are becoming almost prerequisites for support. To support gay marriage is one of these prerequisites...the argument against it is simply outweighed by the argument for it, especially in a secular society like the US. To base civil rights on religion amounts to theocracy, and in that sense Republicans are on the same page as countries like Iran and Israel. This push for "small-town America" support is also quite ridiculous, if not insulting, and it speaks loads about the declining American societal values. Palin's intelligence should be an affront to everybody who calls themselves American...yet some people listen to her brain-numbing interviews and actually believe she is a valid candidate for president. Finally, Republicans can call themselves "pro-business" or whatever (all the good it did during the Bush Era), but when one denies global warming as a fact and continues to prevent any action from being taken to remedy the emission of greenhouse gases, one tends to look EXTREMELY STUPID AND UNEDUCATED.

And therein lies the problem. I supported Obama initially, but I think what the Democrats are doing right now with the government is moving in the wrong direction. Healthcare reform should not be the top priority - reforming the education system should be. I had a talk with one of my friends the other day, and it was not until then that I realized what a black hole the American school system seemed to be, compared to the Canadian education system. On the war - I don't support the surge in Afghanistan, especially with Karzai as the ineffective president. On the financial side - I didn't support the bailout (it's absolutely ridiculous, the way the money moved from the hands of the people to the hands of the corporations). But despite all this, I would still pick Democrats over Republicans. Because they are the LESSER OF THE TWO EVILS.

That's the Republican Party's biggest failure: failing to present itself as an effective platform for the basis of ideas and policies. With opinions in finance, reform, and even foreign policy, there's a lot of leeway in opinions. With social issues such as abortion, gay marriage, the environment, or even the promotion of stupidity (aka Palin), there's a very small leeway for opinions. The Republican Party needs to wake up, retool its image, and present itself as a competitive party to that of the Democratic Party. They need to embrace intelligence, purge the negative social stigma that currently brands Republicans as intolerant rednecks, and only then will educated voters be tempted to vote for the GOP on the basis of more important issues such as finance and foreign policy. The Republican Party seems to be deluding themselves into believing that their current platform is actually competitive against the Democrats platform. It's not, because they don't even have the prerequisites to be in the competition.

America is a multi-party democratic system. The people need different parties, with different policy ideas, to choose from. The Republican Party's failure at this will slowly push the US more and more towards single-party rule, and further and further behind on education, as the GOP continues to blast their incoherent propaganda to the uneducated public in an attempt to remedy the situation. This will only serve to increase the dangerous disconnect between educated and uneducated people, and to make the US more bipolar day by day. I hope the day comes soon when the GOP will realize this, and I am looking forward to the day that the GOP again becomes an effective balancing force against the Democratic Party in US politics.

-FCDH

Life is so Gay

People always say that God does things in mysterious ways. But for me, and probably million of others like me in the US, I just have one question for Him: Why me? Why now? and Why this?

If you are reading this, here's a test of our friendship.

I'm gay. There, I've officially said it. Whew.

But why?? Why am I gay?

This question has haunted me for the longest time. For the past 9 years, in fact. It was so frustrating, to find answers for all the questions I've ever had, except this one. I hate its simplicity: 4 words, that can bring no answers, no respite, no comfort, no nothing. Only pain and grief.

I've been good at keeping my homosexuality hidden my whole life. I consider myself an expert in manipulating my outward emotions, the way I talk, the way I interact with people. It's definitely an artform, to silently walk among those who had no idea who you really are. To sound like you are genuine in your laugh at their joke about gay people, or to pretend like you agree with their views on how gay people are so weird and feminine. At the same time, feeling like a knife was slicing into your heart every time someone says something like that, knowing that one day comments like this will be aimed towards you.

But then, coming to college and finally finding hope! Independence from your suffocating family, from your old and dear friends, from everything that was familiar to you. A new start. A clean slate. But I was a coward, still unable to face reality, living in a delusional fantasy. Thank god for my friends, without you all I couldn't have made this journey. Even though you were all so shocked when I innocently slipped it into our conversations, the support and love I've gotten has been like nothing I've ever experienced. And this time, I know it's real love... it's for the person I am, not the person I'm pretending to be.

And now, I'm standing at the summit. I've completely accepted who I am, and my sexuality. I recognize that the future will be hard, especially with my conservative family. I don't know when it will happen, but I'm ready for it. I am...(can it be?)....secure in my sexuality. For everyone that helped me realize it, I thank you. I thank god every single day for surrounding me with such amazing people.

God. Now we've come around full circle. God, I know you've given me the challenge to test my strength. It took me a while to see it, but now I will rise to the challenge.

To ppl reading this: As I said, I'm secure in my sexuality. I know it 100%, so you could TRY to convince me otherwise, or to tell me how it's a sin in God's eyes...but I doubt you'd succeed. If you're feeling disgusted by this blog post, I suggest you unfriend me from facebook or quietly exit your way out of my life. I will be saddened, but that's just how the dice falls. Whatever happens, happens. Just remember, my hands are always outstretched to everyone, regardless of their beliefs.

PS: Good luck on exams, everyone.

-FCDH

Life and Death

I've wondered incessantly for awhile now, about the true worth of life, and about what life itself is worth to us. How do we judge how much life is worth? Almost more importantly, why do we strive to accomplish in life, when we know that we'll eventually meet each other on the other side anyways?

When you really think about death, and what it means, it's really not a scary thought. Death is simply the absence of life...when our senses fail us, when our cognitive abilities fail us, when our physical body leaves our control. People seem extremely shocked when I tell them that I've actually considered death as an option at one time or other. I don't really understand where this shock comes from...surely, there has to have been times when the disadvantages of life seem to outweigh the advantages so much, doesn't it?

The value of death, is that it frees you from having to deal with life. When ones value system has degraded to a point that death is the most highly valued option, then that's usually what happens. There was a time that family used to hold the highest position in my value system, whereas now it barely holds a position above that of death.

As I see it, life is about experiences and knowledge. The more there is to experience in life, the more things that lie between life and death. I'm constantly excited about what life offers, trying new things, learning new knowledge, and constantly pushing myself. Death is constantly creeping up on us, and the best thing to do before embracing death is to embrace all that life has to offer.

I've always seen death as eternal - a place where both perception and time do not exist. I don't believe in reincarnation, or heaven/hell, or any specified religious beliefs, for this reason. For me, we exist for one reason only: to experience all that we can. I realize that none of this may matter in death, but if death is eternal, then each moment spent in life is an eternity in death. So even though we all eventually end up at the same point in death, the route taken to reach the point is not the same. One person may spend an eternity longer in enjoyment of life than another person.

This sounds somewhat like selfish hedonism, and in a way it is. I do what I do, only because I love to do it, not for any external reasons. Life is too precious to do anything different. Through my bouts of depression, this is something that I've come to realize, and it is probably the most important thing about myself and about life that I will ever realize.

When you realize this too, you will understand exactly how one can change oneself, in order to benefit the most from life. I can remember a time when I used to be self-conscious, shy, and scared of trying new things. But now I've purged all those, for one and one reason only: to get the most out of life. And I'm still constantly seeking to weed out any remnants in me that may prohibit me from getting the most out of life, and to bring others into realization of this fact as well. Life is beautiful, and life is short. Life is too precious to be wasted. We must all change ourselves, the way we treat the world, the way we interact with people, in order to get the most out of our lives. There's so much potential that remains undiscovered.

I've lost too many opportunities in my youth already, but I won't waste anymore time regretting that. From now on, I will seize every opportunity that I can get to get what I want to get out of life. Love the world, love the people, but most importantly, love yourself and your life.

-FCDH

Transvestites and Sexuality

Today, I had probably the most fun class period I've ever had in college. In my Calc II class that I TA, the professor and I were chatting with some of the students (it was a free homework / discussion period) and somehow the topic drifted to Thailand. The professor said "oh you should be careful about getting it on with people in Thailand...if you know what I mean." The students were all like "no, not really...". So I introduced them to....Thai transvestites! (or ladyboys, as they are also referred to).

They are basically men who have underwent surgery to become women. One of the students looked up a picture of a ladyboy, and the students were all like "OMG I CANT BELIEVE THATS A MAN". So, what did we do the rest of the class? That's right...we looked up every ladyboy online quiz that we could find, and tried to identify the women from the...non-women lol. It's surprisingly hard...I'd encourage everyone to give it a shot lol. I'd never laughed so hard in class before, I was practically crying because I was laughing so much, and my jaws ached so much.

Here are some tips: if they look sexy, they are probably male. The converse is true...the ugly appearance ones in these quizzes are usually female. hahah.

But on one of the quizzes I saw the following comment:
"Dude, what does it matter if they're actually guy or girl? As long as they don't have dicks, I'll have sex with them whether or not they're a tranny or not".

This curious comment got me thinking: how does one exactly define a man and a woman? More importantly, how does it define the attraction that we feel towards members of the opposite or same sex? How does one define the sexuality of a transvestite? Societal perceptions are obviously very important in this, but...just how much do we hear about societal perceptions of transvestites?

If a guy got rid of his...equipment, and retooled his entire body to resemble that of a female, does that make him a girl? The moral implications of this seem to be extremely broad, and seemingly negative - should this be disclosed with any partners that the person wishes to have, does this count as misinformation, etc etc.? On the surface, this seem like a pretty clear-cut issue - it would seem obvious that the ladyboy should disclose their "real" selves, and be "moral" and "ethical" about it. Digging deeper, it seems to reveal a paradoxical consideration in my mind.

If a gay guy chooses to have sex with a girl, or if a lesbian chooses to have sex with a guy, would society demonize them for it? No...I'd say that society actually backs this choice rather than the "come out and let them know" version. So what makes it different for transsexuals?

It seems that somehow, the notion of CHOICE is very important in this issue. Homosexuality is not something that can be chosen. Transsexuality, however, is a different story. But the situations seem similar: a closeted lesbian chooses to have a relationship with a guy, or a ladyboy chooses to have a relationship with a guy. So what's different? Not the hurt that would be imparted on the unknowing person in the relationship, that should remain the same. If homosexuals can hide their sexualities (and be in denial) when looking for a relationship, it would seem that the same would apply to transsexuals.

But just consider these two statements, and what they make you feel:
-"I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a lesbian."
-"I broke up with my girlfriend because she was transsexual."

If you felt more negative/weirded-out by the second one, you're not alone.

I've thought about it some more, and I've realized that I can't come to a conclusion on why I should feel this way, why societal views on this issue should differ, or if there is a right answer to this question. I'd love to hear your comments, or feel free to stalk my blog silently.

-FCDH

As Time Stood Still for Us

I wish I could see your face,

Just that one more time.

I brush at the misty screen,

But it fades away from sight.

Could you dismiss the light,

On our youthful adventures,

As stars and moons flew by,

As time stood still for us.

The white blinds me all around,

The blue languishes in my mind.

The red gravitates with potential,

The green radiates with life.

Where have all the years gone?

Like a raindrop in the forest.

The shelter has crumbled to dust,

As time stood still for us.

My train has arrived at its stop,

The platform glittering with paths.

I should have taken a backward glance,

But the untamed wilderness sprang forth.

The source of life's laughter and joy,

Spun around, completely delirious.

Prismatic layers of vitality,

As time stood still for us.

The links have broken apart,

But not of nature's essence,

I close my eyes and try to imagine,

The dubious innocence.

My spirit remains earthbound,

As yours take wing to the heavens.

Gliding about in obvious freedom,

As time stood still for us.

FCDH - 12/01/09

Dedicated to life and creation.

But most importantly, to everyone who makes life bearable.

Here's to the wonder that is life.

Cheers.

Winter is Neither Here nor There...yet

Ahhh I don't know what to do for winter break!

I just found out that I could shave off $200 from my plane ticket price to Vancouver if I chose to fly to Seattle and take the bus up....and now it only seems to cost $350 for a round trip ticket to Van. I've got people pulling me to go back to Van, and god knows I want to so badly...my snowboard is over there after all, and I kinda want to bring it back to campus so I wouldn't have to worry about equipment rentals when I want to go snowboarding here.

I really want to go back to snowboard and hang out with my old friends...but at the same time, money's an issue right now. If I stayed, I could probably save the $350 and spend much less going snowboarding in Wisconsin instead. Plus I could probably get a job on campus during winter like last year and save up. Downside: I get to face a ghost town. For a MONTH. *Flashback to last winter's emptiness and loneliness*.

Decisions, decisions. Ahhhhh! I wish I could just be like one of those preppy American middle class people who don't give shit about money and go on trips to Cancun and Florida for every break. I know I have enough money to go, if I wanted to, and that my parents would give me more if I needed. But I just feel like I need to be thrifty about money, and not be like one of those preppy ppl that I disdained against above. My tuition IS like 40 grand a year...a horrible figure.

I need to figure things out. And fast. Well I suppose it doesn't need to be fast, only if I want to go back to Van.

-FCDH

Black Friday

A term that has different meanings in the West and the East. Let's take a look:

In the US, Black Friday refers to the shopping frenzy that comes the day after Thanksgiving. I partook in the frenzy...though not as frenzied as others were. I deliberately brought only $25 with me so I would not spend so much, and I ended up buying 2 long-sleeved winter running shirts from Finish Line for $20. Score!

In Asia, "Black Friday", as dubbed by major Asian media sources, refers to the crash of all East Asian stock markets today due to the news of Dubai World's debt troubles. Dubai World's announcement today that they wished to default on 6 months of interest payments of their $59 billion debt raised serious concerns about nationally-backed corporations defaulting on their debt. Honestly, I don't think anyone should be at all surprised by this development. One only needs to take a glance at Dubai's ridiculous real-estate investments, from the environmentally-insensitive Palm Jumeriah Islands to the Atlantis hotel with the whopping $16 million opening ceremony, to see that Dubai was basically courting trouble. The sky-high fantasy has finally collapsed on Dubai...but I suppose they could always go skiing in the ski slope they built in the middle of the desert.

Just a year or two ago, Dubai was being lauded as being a "financial foundation" that all Arab countries should follow. Today, it's being compared with Argentina and Russia for their financial mismanagement that led to hyperinflation, as two nations that have defaulted on their debt. But hey, as Americans, we should expect it and live with it...as one day it will be us.

Dubai's debt - $59 billion, or $26,106 per capita

US's debt - $12 trillion, or $39,099 per capita

Now won't that be a glorious day..."Hey World, can we stop paying interest on our $12 trillion debt for 6 months?"

-FCDH

My First American Thanksgiving!

Granted, I have had 2 prior Thanksgiving dinners in the US. But today was the first time with traditional Americans! And this time there were finally no stir-fry noodles lol.

After going to my first pep rally (with hilarious football moms playing musical chairs!) and ice skating with Erin yesterday, she invited me to her family's Thanksgiving celebration after hearing that I didn't really have anywhere to go. I accepted =) and almost cancelled cuz I was so exhausted in the morning....but it was definitely worth it! I met her family and cousins, who were really nice and funny =). I had a blast there with all the cousins, playing Guitar Hero and Rock Band for most of the afternoon lol. And the Thanksgiving feast was pretty awesome as well, two types of turkey and loads of other food. I was pretty stuffed.

And now I'm going to fall into my long-awaited food coma which I've been holding off the entire afternoon.

-FCDH

It's Turkey Time!!

...in Ankara and Istanbul anyway. Here it's Thanksgiving. =)

I would just like to congratulate myself on successfully baking a 10lb turkey this year, a 50% increase from last year's 5 lb turkey. Seriously, baking a turkey is one of the easiest things one could cook. I'm a horrible cook, and if I could make a turkey without any mishaps 2/2 times, everybody should be able to do it.

It's easy. Here are the steps (I'm writing this so I remember the next time too).

1) Rinse turkey in and out with cold water. Make sure all the necks / gibbets / whatever else they have craftily stuffed inside the turkey is removed...check all the crevices!

2) Put turkey on "shallow turkey pan". Or in this case, on a reused old aluminum cake pan since someone is too cheap to buy an actual pan.

3) Rub: butter, salt, pepper over turkey. Remember not to touch the stick of butter next time or it'll be ruined again.

4) Put turkey in oven. Set to 325F. Every hour, baste the turkey in its own juices. When golden, cover with aluminum foil. 15 minutes before completion, remove aluminum foil to brown turkey.

5) Eat. Try not to stuff self.

My 10 lb turkey this year!!

And voila. Thats it. Hope everyone's having a great Thanksgiving!

-FCDH

A Shattered Future...

Before I start in earnest, I'd just like to say that I just found Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" today and I am completely hooked right now. Theres just something about the beat that gets me...i see others in the computer lab giving me furtive glances as I bump around in my seat to it. Oh well.

I got an email back from Jun today, and she was...amazing. She accepted everything I said, and said that she understood everything and appreciated the truth from me. She was so supportive...oh how I wish things had worked out. How I curse the fortunes of fate that it did not work out.

I am so glad that I have such a great friend in Jun...I feel like I don't even deserve it. Looking back, it was foolish for me to start the relationship with Jun in the first place, but...in those months, I learned so much about myself. I'll always treasure the good memories with Jun. Those late nights in Engineering Hall, that trip to Chicago...

The other day, when I went to Chicago for the ECE alumni event, we drove past Navy Pier and the harbor buildings. I was surprised by the emotions that came over me. I actually shed a tear...good thing the van was dark. That cruise, Blue Man Group, the hostel...all back in such a dark period of my life. Now I can only reminisce on what-could-have-beens, an entire future gone up in smoke.

My life finally seems like it is moving back on track. The past two years have been such turmoil, and if I did not have engineering to keep me sane, I don't know where I would be now. I've suffered two crashes into severe depression, lost track of the number of times I've thought about suicide, and now I've finally regained my footing.

I have one more hurdle to go: my family. I doubt they will understand...how their treasured son could have failed them in such a fashion. I'm absolutely dreading the day when the truth will be imparted on them. The day of reckoning. The day when I'm either accepted or cast out of my family, for being who I am.

In the past two years, my imagined future has been shattered, re-glued together, and shattered again. This time, I'm going to leave the broken shards where they are. A memento of the past, of simpler times, when the future seemed perfect, even if it were only a hallucination...

Thank you so much for remaking my life, Jun. I owe so much to you...you have absolutely no idea how you have changed my life. I hope I can make it up to you, one day.

-FCDH

God, Thanks for Screwing with me.

Some of today's highlights are below, in this incoherent blog post.

I bought a 10 lb turkey to cook for Thanksgiving. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it...

Went to the gym (3 mi run + lift), then did exercises (50 pushups + 140 situps). I think I'll start the pushup and situp program in earnest now...it's been a goal and I want it to happen.

Finally wrote the email to Jun, about everything that happened in our relationship. I'm afraid that our friendship may not survive the email, but that's something that I'm willing to sacrifice, for the truth. Others may disagree, but I've made my decision. I pray that I can look back on this message fondly rather than bitterly. Sigh. Why does life have to be so complicated?

Uploaded a bunch of photos onto facebook. Still thinking about Jun. Sigh. I know that life's not fair, but...sigh.

Ok it doesnt seem like THAT many things after all. Hmm. So apparently I will not be able to do laundry until my new debit card comes through, since our laundry room operates on a card system. Which I always found to be easy and convenient, but now is just annoying, since I won't be able to do laundry and will now have to re-wear my dirty clothes for a little while longer. Ugh.

Oh right, I should rant a little about Ubuntu.

Yesterday, I tried to mess with Ubuntu a bit, and hit a wall on the first thing I tried: screen resolution. I don't know if its because im using VirtualBox, but it just wouldnt recognize the 1028x800 resolution, instead maxing out at 800x600. I tried using both xrandr --newmode, --addmode codes to add the 1028x800 resolution in, which worked, but when i tried to set it, it kept giving me this frustrating "CRTC 0 failed" error message.

I'm starting to doubt that the cvt and gtf commands are working correctly. I looked up the VGA line signals for 800x600 for both horizsyn and vertrefresh, and it doesn't seem to match up with either the output of cvt and gtf, used with 800x600. Another day, I'll have to find the regular line signal for a VGA operating at 1280x800 resolution, and manually input it without cvt and gtf.

But my first foray into Ubuntu was exciting! Linux is pretty addicting after all.

I so wish life was different. I'd like to thank God for messing with me, and everyone I care about. The sarcasm is somewhat there...but I suppose, what doesn't kill u makes u stronger, right? Sigh. Do I even believe that BS?

Just remember everything and everyone you love and believe in. It'll keep you sane. Now if I can only take that advice, I would be set. Coldplay, you rule my world.

I'm going to dedicate my next blog entry to Jun's response (if it ever comes), and...my life? I suppose. How pretentious of me to think that it merits an entire post. Ok that's probably enough self-pity for today, even I'm disgusted with myself now.

Till later, my blog.

-FCDH

United against HW!

....Or not really. Facebook and gchat are up to their antics again...and those noisy girls from the Society of Women Engineers and Alpha Omega Epsilon are really really really chatty. But at least no horny lifestyle stories from across the wall today. Not that I would've heard since I'm blasting Coldplay on my headphones right now anyways.

I've gotta find a way to finish all my hw for Friday tonight, and finish my KSP and Schowalters Award apps. I'm gearing up for war. Still need to study for ECE 444 exam on Friday too.

Grr..

Tomorrow I'm going on a trip as one of three ECE students to an alumni event in Chicago. It's a bowling event, and hopefully I'll have the chance to meet other talented students and alumni, and have some fun along the way. Plus, free dinner and bowling! Down side: whole day gone. *snap*.

But need to finish stuff tonight. BRING ON THE BATTLE OF STALINGRAD! Or I suppose Leningrad or Verdun will be more appropriate since the hw is fighting a war of attrition. Time to dig those trenches and....cross those lakes of frozen ice with food and equipment?

If you have no idea what I just said, don't worry about it. =) Im a nerd after all lol.

-FCDH

Do I Discriminate??

11/12/2009

Today, I had a good day: lecture, lab, field trip for my civil engineering class, and then I went to a leadership workshop after that. Or what I thought was a leadership workshop...it turned out mainly to be one of those long personality tests, where you answer a bunch of questions and it tells you your personality at the end.

I was slightly annoyed by this, but the free Jimmy John's sandwiches and chips calmed me down =). After taking the test, my test assigned me my personality: a Specialist, with a placed importance on friendship standards and competence. All of the descriptors of Specialist were accurate..basically, the test completely nailed my personality from 28 questions. After assigning me this personality, I had to scratch out areas on a page, and it would give me my traits. I eagerly (well, as eagerly as one could be for a test like this) scratched out my box, and it contained one word: "Discriminating".

My mind did a backflip. I was like "WTF" and proceeded to scratch out the boxes around it, which had nothing but praise ("observing, convincing, confident" etc etc). I was sorta stumped...and slightly peeved that the test had managed to guess this aspect of my personality. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I feel like I do discriminate subconsciously. I always try and block out all discriminatory material from any of my interactions with other people (and probably succeed at it), but the point remains...I still feel it.

I think it has something to do with the fact that I've been around many others who have broken out of stereotypes, but I feel intolerance towards people who fall into the stereotypes of their gender or race. Asians always talking in incomprehensible languages, engineering girls gossiping about who got drunk or who got horny or who got felt up last night (i might have a blog post about this later), to name a few. I don't know if I am justified in feeling this way or not, nor how much I am able to change the way I feel, but I certainly feel extremely fake when I interact with these people. I can act accepting and all that, but down inside I still have those stereotypes, and the negative connotations they bring.

Even though I can recognize that it's wrong and that I shouldn't feel that way, I still do, and I can't control that. I think this raises an important issue: could liberals, in our ever-expanding efforts to make society more open for minority groups, be making society a more repressive place, forcing people to carry on "fake" interactions with each other? For conservatives who are against abortion or gay marriage, it seems like it's no longer a issue of WILL they come around, but rather COULD they. Of course, the current society is by no means a non-repressive society, but it seems that those who were repressed or non-repressed would have their roles switched around if liberals get their way.

But I think one thing still remains clear: that of acceptance. I understand that my views are flawed, and I consciously work to mitigate that in my interactions with the people I would discriminate against. Now if only conservatives can be more accepting of pro-choice or gay people, regardless of how they actually feel, the world would seem that much more accepting and welcoming.

-FCDH

First Time for Everything

Good evening to my blog and any potential people who might be reading this,

I'm FCDH, and I'm pretty excited about starting a blog. It's one of my goals, that I never seriously pursued. But this semester, I'm open to everything. After my brief foray into fblogging, which probably scared the shit out of some people and annoyed many others, I thought i'd give a real blog a try.

Right now I'm just taking a break before the barcrawl tonight. I'm pretty excited about it, I'll finally be able to take a break from my electrical engineering work. This'll be my second barcrawl ever...my first being this semester as well. I find it somewhat ironic that, as a junior in electrical engineering, I actually have more free time to party and have fun compared to my sophomore year. That's just the way life rolls, i suppose.

That's all for now. I will probably be spilling out my innards on here soon enough, that can wait.

FCDH