Life is so Gay

People always say that God does things in mysterious ways. But for me, and probably million of others like me in the US, I just have one question for Him: Why me? Why now? and Why this?

If you are reading this, here's a test of our friendship.

I'm gay. There, I've officially said it. Whew.

But why?? Why am I gay?

This question has haunted me for the longest time. For the past 9 years, in fact. It was so frustrating, to find answers for all the questions I've ever had, except this one. I hate its simplicity: 4 words, that can bring no answers, no respite, no comfort, no nothing. Only pain and grief.

I've been good at keeping my homosexuality hidden my whole life. I consider myself an expert in manipulating my outward emotions, the way I talk, the way I interact with people. It's definitely an artform, to silently walk among those who had no idea who you really are. To sound like you are genuine in your laugh at their joke about gay people, or to pretend like you agree with their views on how gay people are so weird and feminine. At the same time, feeling like a knife was slicing into your heart every time someone says something like that, knowing that one day comments like this will be aimed towards you.

But then, coming to college and finally finding hope! Independence from your suffocating family, from your old and dear friends, from everything that was familiar to you. A new start. A clean slate. But I was a coward, still unable to face reality, living in a delusional fantasy. Thank god for my friends, without you all I couldn't have made this journey. Even though you were all so shocked when I innocently slipped it into our conversations, the support and love I've gotten has been like nothing I've ever experienced. And this time, I know it's real love... it's for the person I am, not the person I'm pretending to be.

And now, I'm standing at the summit. I've completely accepted who I am, and my sexuality. I recognize that the future will be hard, especially with my conservative family. I don't know when it will happen, but I'm ready for it. I am...(can it be?)....secure in my sexuality. For everyone that helped me realize it, I thank you. I thank god every single day for surrounding me with such amazing people.

God. Now we've come around full circle. God, I know you've given me the challenge to test my strength. It took me a while to see it, but now I will rise to the challenge.

To ppl reading this: As I said, I'm secure in my sexuality. I know it 100%, so you could TRY to convince me otherwise, or to tell me how it's a sin in God's eyes...but I doubt you'd succeed. If you're feeling disgusted by this blog post, I suggest you unfriend me from facebook or quietly exit your way out of my life. I will be saddened, but that's just how the dice falls. Whatever happens, happens. Just remember, my hands are always outstretched to everyone, regardless of their beliefs.

PS: Good luck on exams, everyone.

-FCDH