A Shattered Future...

Before I start in earnest, I'd just like to say that I just found Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" today and I am completely hooked right now. Theres just something about the beat that gets me...i see others in the computer lab giving me furtive glances as I bump around in my seat to it. Oh well.

I got an email back from Jun today, and she was...amazing. She accepted everything I said, and said that she understood everything and appreciated the truth from me. She was so supportive...oh how I wish things had worked out. How I curse the fortunes of fate that it did not work out.

I am so glad that I have such a great friend in Jun...I feel like I don't even deserve it. Looking back, it was foolish for me to start the relationship with Jun in the first place, but...in those months, I learned so much about myself. I'll always treasure the good memories with Jun. Those late nights in Engineering Hall, that trip to Chicago...

The other day, when I went to Chicago for the ECE alumni event, we drove past Navy Pier and the harbor buildings. I was surprised by the emotions that came over me. I actually shed a tear...good thing the van was dark. That cruise, Blue Man Group, the hostel...all back in such a dark period of my life. Now I can only reminisce on what-could-have-beens, an entire future gone up in smoke.

My life finally seems like it is moving back on track. The past two years have been such turmoil, and if I did not have engineering to keep me sane, I don't know where I would be now. I've suffered two crashes into severe depression, lost track of the number of times I've thought about suicide, and now I've finally regained my footing.

I have one more hurdle to go: my family. I doubt they will understand...how their treasured son could have failed them in such a fashion. I'm absolutely dreading the day when the truth will be imparted on them. The day of reckoning. The day when I'm either accepted or cast out of my family, for being who I am.

In the past two years, my imagined future has been shattered, re-glued together, and shattered again. This time, I'm going to leave the broken shards where they are. A memento of the past, of simpler times, when the future seemed perfect, even if it were only a hallucination...

Thank you so much for remaking my life, Jun. I owe so much to you...you have absolutely no idea how you have changed my life. I hope I can make it up to you, one day.

-FCDH