Relax, it's Only a Hurricane

Hi Readers,

Every year I take 2 weeks off from work to go back and visit my parents and my sister, who all live in Taiwan right now. I am currently in day 2 of my annual family vacation. We choose someplace different to go together every year, and this year it's the island of Hokkaido, in Japan. This is supposed to be a wondrous place, full of wildlife, nature, scenery, and good food. The only catch? We happened to book our flight for one of the weeks when there was a typhoon (Asian hurricane) hanging out over the entire Hokkaido area. It has rained nonstop for the entire time that we've been here, which is a good (opposite?) change from the eternal sunshine that we get in California.

I guess that we are lucky in the sense that the typhoons typically don't pack much punch in terms of wind. Generally speaking, the rain causes all the damages. Because of that, our tour group is continuing the tour through Hokkaido, through all the torrential rain. I told the tour guide that this is a refreshing change from the nonstop sunshine that we get in SF, but I kinda lied... It's only the second day, and I'm already tired of it. Despite so many people trying to convince me that I would tire of the eternal sunshine in California, it's already been 2 years and I'm not even close to being tired of it yet.

The island of Hokkaido is not at all what one would imagine when thinking about Japan. It's probably what the main island of Japan would have looked like 100 years ago. There's so much wilderness here, it could easily pass for rural Colorado or something, except cars drive on the left side of the road. But because it is so wild, there's a lot of down time everyday on the bus as we drive all around the island. Right now, all the people on the entire bus (as far as I can see) are passed out. I'm taking advantage of this time to write this quick blog post. This reminds me of the long bus rides that we took in Africa, when I would also blog the entire ride too. Traveling can be such a cathartic experience (is that the right word?)

So far, I am having lots of fun with the family. It's been so long since I've seen them, and everything is going well so far. I'm hoping the rest of the trip will be the same way. Though, maybe a little less rain.

Cheers,
FCDH

Mother's Day

I called my mom and wished her a happy Mother's Day. The call ended with her in tears because I still "refuse to get a girlfriend." Not sure what to do, if anything. Perhaps I should just put a time limit on our conversation, or when she starts asking about "special friends" I should just pretend that the signal is weak and that I can't hear her. Another rough year ahead in this arena, I suppose.

-FCDH

Best Christmas Gift Ever

Hi Readers,

Last night my mom and dad called me. We hadn't spoken to each other for more than a month, not because of any concrete disagreements or anything, but just because we've been so busy. Anyways, we chatted about various things. Mom and dad updated me about their health and how things were going in Taipei, and I told them about finals week and about going to Vegas (will post about Vegas later).

And then my mom told me, "You remember that cup you got dad last year for Christmas? The one that said 'World's Best Dad'? Well, he uses it every single day now. It's a good cup for coffee." It was pretty much the last thing (within reason) that I was expecting to hear, and I was so taken aback that I couldn't speak for a moment.

I've always felt that, very deep down, my dad blames himself for all the wrong things that happened to the family. Being in a patriarchal nuclear family, he is essentially the captain of the family and charting a course for us. I'm always afraid that he looks on any 'failings' of individual family members as a failing of his leadership of the family. He's a very stubborn guy, always going for the "what-if"s and never allowing himself to accept failure.

Ever since I came out to him, I've suspected that he was wracked with guilt for not being there during my bringing up in Canada. He probably blamed himself for pushing me too hard academically, discouraging me from dating, for having to work in Taiwan while I lacked a masculine role model in Canada, or for any other potential "what-ifs" that he could think of that could've helped me become a heterosexual instead of homosexual.


I think this is the reason why that comment from my mom made me really emotional. I love my mom, dad, and sister, and the past few years have been so taxing on all of us from a family standpoint, that the statement was almost like a beacon of hope from their side of the divide. Somehow, the thought of my dad using the cup I got him and the message it contains, gave me hope that he doesn't believe he is a failed dad. I hope the fact that he is using the cup means he is embracing the message on it. Because he definitely isn't a failed dad. He has sacrificed so much for the success of the family, that he is far from being a failed dad. I sent him the cup because I do believe that he is a great dad, and it's time he recognizes that.

So my mom and dad may have inadvertently gave me the best Christmas gift they've ever gotten me: The hope for a stronger and happier family.

-FCDH

Reflection on Last Post

Hi Readers,

So after taking some time and cooling off, I realized some important things. One, that I blew up the situation too dramatically in the moment. Two, that I was not giving my dad enough credit. And three, that I am being a hypocrite in the situation.

I am basically saying to my family, "look, this is who I am. I won't change for you, so you'll have to come to me." And I whine like a baby about the fact that they won't come to me. When I look at the situation from their eyes, it's the same thing. They are saying, "look, this is who we are. We aren't going to change for you, so you'll have to come to us."

Why should I expect that they will ever come to me? In my opinion it is a very self-centered viewpoint. Our priorities are completely different, and so are our beliefs. I am sure that both our sides look upon our arguments as if it was immutable truth. Their "righteous" rage is on par with my "righteous" rage, and this conflict may never resolve itself.

In any case, in the last communication I had with my mom, she expressed that she didn't mind the way things were going. She didn't mind that I was lying to her and to my dad, and to other people. She didn't mind the fact that she didn't know this side of me. In fact she doesn't want to know this side of me. It's simply the way she has been brought up, and the same holds true for my dad. In the Asian culture, there simply lacks this kind of openness in family relationships. Me bringing up this topic over and over again is simply anathema to them in many ways.

So I shall stop! I tried hard to get them to accept it, because I thought that everybody would be happier once that happened. But I guess I didn't think about the fact that the happiest they might be is just when they can just ignore my sexual orientation and treat it as if it didn't exist. So I guess I will continue doing the status quo and keep them happy, because I can't actually do the thing that will actually make them happy.

The whole coming out episode, starting from when I first told them last April till now, has been one long lesson in American vs. Asian cultural differences. I've lost a lot of my Asian-ness, and this is just another reminder that people don't think the same way as I do. Just because it works for me doesn't mean that it works for them.

That's all for now. Toodles.

-FCDH

My Father the Alien

In the same way that my dad has never understood me and never gotten to know me, I found out yesterday that I have no idea who he is.

If he actually goes through with the plan without my mother's approval and acceptance, I will personally pay for the divorce proceedings and move her to America.

Dear sister, please keep a close eye on mom for any signs of suicidal thoughts. I'm counting on you. Please be her beacon of light through this time of darkness, as I cannot physically be there for her.

Dear mother, please think about everything you have on this world before you make any rash decisions. I will never forgive dad if you do.

Why oh why must things be so complicated? Why is it that those I love the most are the ones hurt by my decisions? By something that I can't even control?

Dear father, what happened to the man my mother fell in love with? I wish you would set your priorities straight and look at the extremely fragile ties you have left in this world. Please stop being blinded by the irrational rage and come to your senses.

I'm so fucking ashamed of my dad for even considering it. I cannot believe we are related in any way.

If you are reading this post please do not ask me about it or even bring it up. I am serious.

I need to believe this story can have a happy ending. Life is so fucked up otherwise. 

I need to believe that I didn't fuck up the entire family.

It's Over

I just tried one last time to get my parents to come around on homosexuality. As of this post I am forevermore giving up on my quest to have them come around. Let them come to me, if they ever do. The disappointment lies heavy in the pit of my stomach.

There's nothing else I want to do. It's over. My family is in shambles. One more blow and it'll disintegrate.

Mom, please be strong.

In the end, the only person you can really trust is yourself.