Mother's Day

I called my mom and wished her a happy Mother's Day. The call ended with her in tears because I still "refuse to get a girlfriend." Not sure what to do, if anything. Perhaps I should just put a time limit on our conversation, or when she starts asking about "special friends" I should just pretend that the signal is weak and that I can't hear her. Another rough year ahead in this arena, I suppose.

-FCDH

Anniversary

Hi Readers,

I remember exactly what I was doing a year ago today. It was a Sunday, and I had an interview with AUO at their Milpitas office for a summer internship. I hadn't gotten much sleep the previous night, because of a party out in the courtyard of our building which made me unable to fall asleep. Lacking a car, I asked a friend, who lived in Milpitas at the time, for a ride to the interview. He drove me there, and I had what was possibly the easiest interview that I would ever get in my life. I mean, why wouldn't a Taiwanese company want to hire a Taiwanese national, who happens to go to Stanford, who's an EE, and who happens to speak both good Chinese and English?

After the interview, I was so tired that I asked the friend if I could crash at his place and snooze for a bit before going home. He said yes, so we went to his place, where I crashed on the couch, and almost fell asleep before he came and offered his more comfortable bed. In a semi-groggy state on his bed, I rolled over and snuggled with him. The rest, as they say, is history.

Today marks my anniversary with this wonderful guy. We've gone through both wonderful times and rough times, but I wouldn't trade the time we had together for anything else. I've matured a lot from this relationship, and I will always look on the time we had together fondly, regardless of what happens. It's unbelievable that a whole year has passed already. It seemed like only yesterday that we were making out on his bed, having completely lost track of time, and having to lie to our friends about why we were an hour late for an Indian festival we were supposed to go to (we said we had "car problems").

I'm not a fortune teller, and I can't read the future. But if the future is anything like the present, I'll take it. =)

Till next post!

Cheers,
FCDH

Best Christmas Gift Ever

Hi Readers,

Last night my mom and dad called me. We hadn't spoken to each other for more than a month, not because of any concrete disagreements or anything, but just because we've been so busy. Anyways, we chatted about various things. Mom and dad updated me about their health and how things were going in Taipei, and I told them about finals week and about going to Vegas (will post about Vegas later).

And then my mom told me, "You remember that cup you got dad last year for Christmas? The one that said 'World's Best Dad'? Well, he uses it every single day now. It's a good cup for coffee." It was pretty much the last thing (within reason) that I was expecting to hear, and I was so taken aback that I couldn't speak for a moment.

I've always felt that, very deep down, my dad blames himself for all the wrong things that happened to the family. Being in a patriarchal nuclear family, he is essentially the captain of the family and charting a course for us. I'm always afraid that he looks on any 'failings' of individual family members as a failing of his leadership of the family. He's a very stubborn guy, always going for the "what-if"s and never allowing himself to accept failure.

Ever since I came out to him, I've suspected that he was wracked with guilt for not being there during my bringing up in Canada. He probably blamed himself for pushing me too hard academically, discouraging me from dating, for having to work in Taiwan while I lacked a masculine role model in Canada, or for any other potential "what-ifs" that he could think of that could've helped me become a heterosexual instead of homosexual.


I think this is the reason why that comment from my mom made me really emotional. I love my mom, dad, and sister, and the past few years have been so taxing on all of us from a family standpoint, that the statement was almost like a beacon of hope from their side of the divide. Somehow, the thought of my dad using the cup I got him and the message it contains, gave me hope that he doesn't believe he is a failed dad. I hope the fact that he is using the cup means he is embracing the message on it. Because he definitely isn't a failed dad. He has sacrificed so much for the success of the family, that he is far from being a failed dad. I sent him the cup because I do believe that he is a great dad, and it's time he recognizes that.

So my mom and dad may have inadvertently gave me the best Christmas gift they've ever gotten me: The hope for a stronger and happier family.

-FCDH

An Autumn Blossom

Hi Readers,

Here's a short poem to reflect on my recent relationship. It's only been a month but I find myself falling for him - hard. This feeling is something I can't control. I've never felt it before. I won't lie - but I'm scared shitless. And excited. Exalted. And a billion other things at the same time. Let this poem represent it.

---

An Autumn Blossom

Has it only been three months

Since I felt as Lewis and Clark must have

As I began conquering the West

Absorbing new sensations

Building them into my soul

How could I have seen

Your warm embrace

Those piercing eyes 

From which I cannot escape

Infected by that smile

Now that I have been drawn

Inextricably as if by the Siren's call

Neither work or anything else

Feel complete without you

The cure for my daydreams

I don't know what to do

My walls have come down

Am I just naive to believe

That you may be the one?

Is this the path everyone must walk?

Even if it is a fleeting blossom

May this snapshot preserve its state

So when I look at it in the depths of winter

I will remember treasured times

When I felt truly complete.

-FCDH
11/23/2011

Reflection on Last Post

Hi Readers,

So after taking some time and cooling off, I realized some important things. One, that I blew up the situation too dramatically in the moment. Two, that I was not giving my dad enough credit. And three, that I am being a hypocrite in the situation.

I am basically saying to my family, "look, this is who I am. I won't change for you, so you'll have to come to me." And I whine like a baby about the fact that they won't come to me. When I look at the situation from their eyes, it's the same thing. They are saying, "look, this is who we are. We aren't going to change for you, so you'll have to come to us."

Why should I expect that they will ever come to me? In my opinion it is a very self-centered viewpoint. Our priorities are completely different, and so are our beliefs. I am sure that both our sides look upon our arguments as if it was immutable truth. Their "righteous" rage is on par with my "righteous" rage, and this conflict may never resolve itself.

In any case, in the last communication I had with my mom, she expressed that she didn't mind the way things were going. She didn't mind that I was lying to her and to my dad, and to other people. She didn't mind the fact that she didn't know this side of me. In fact she doesn't want to know this side of me. It's simply the way she has been brought up, and the same holds true for my dad. In the Asian culture, there simply lacks this kind of openness in family relationships. Me bringing up this topic over and over again is simply anathema to them in many ways.

So I shall stop! I tried hard to get them to accept it, because I thought that everybody would be happier once that happened. But I guess I didn't think about the fact that the happiest they might be is just when they can just ignore my sexual orientation and treat it as if it didn't exist. So I guess I will continue doing the status quo and keep them happy, because I can't actually do the thing that will actually make them happy.

The whole coming out episode, starting from when I first told them last April till now, has been one long lesson in American vs. Asian cultural differences. I've lost a lot of my Asian-ness, and this is just another reminder that people don't think the same way as I do. Just because it works for me doesn't mean that it works for them.

That's all for now. Toodles.

-FCDH

It's Over

I just tried one last time to get my parents to come around on homosexuality. As of this post I am forevermore giving up on my quest to have them come around. Let them come to me, if they ever do. The disappointment lies heavy in the pit of my stomach.

There's nothing else I want to do. It's over. My family is in shambles. One more blow and it'll disintegrate.

Mom, please be strong.

In the end, the only person you can really trust is yourself. 

Exploring My Gay Side

Hi Readers,

While hanging out with my newest gay friend AO in Austin today, I realized something disturbing. It is the fact that we are both so similar and yet so different. We are both proponents of living life to its fullest and exploring as many activities as we can. We are both Asians (half-Asian for him) and grew up with similar Asian cultural beliefs about family and the way to do things. Both our families have rejected our sexualities and cannot accept that their sons could be gay. We both love to travel, and we both love to run. He's ran two half marathons, while I've ran a half and a full marathon. Even our running pace is the same. We both rock climb, and we've both skydived before. He's gone backpacking through Southeast Asia, while I've gone backpacking through Europe. We are both trilingual, and both of us have spent our childhoods in various different countries.

But, he's flamboyant and flaunts his sexuality openly, while I don't (according to most people). He's explored the gay culture scene wherever he has gone, while I haven't. He has loads of gay friends, while I don't. It's not the fact that he's a few years older than me, because he has already been like this since his college years, when he was the president of the gay Pride organization on his campus. It's not the upraising, because we have lived similar lives. I think it's the people that we surrounded ourselves with. He chose gay people as his support group, while my support group turned out to be mostly straight people. I thought that maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm an engineer, but I know some other engineers who work around that. It's probably my judgmental nature showing its ugly teeth.

I realized today that there's a giant hypocritical hole in my life. I proclaim to everyone that I love to explore new things and experiences and have no qualms about it. But when confronted with the evidence, it all points to the fact that I haven't explored the gay world and lifestyle at all. Through my previous posts, I've stood on the high altar and looked down upon the lifestyle of the people like AO. I thought (for some unknown reason and rationale) that the gay lifestyle was incompatible with the type of exploratory lifestyle that I want to live. Perhaps it was the fact that I hadn't seen any gay people to act as an example role model for me in how to live this type of lifestyle, but I outright rejected it and considered my lifestyle to be superior.

That myth is shattered now. I can't believe that I didn't see this inconsistency in my rationale earlier. How did I justify exploring every aspect of the world except for the part that I belong in? The gay culture is my culture now, yet I have never explored its depths. I guess I have always been afraid of rejection, either by the unknown-as-of-yet gay culture upon my approach, or by my current friends if I do embrace the gay lifestyle. It also didn't help that I am still self-conscious about my looks, even though people have told me that I shouldn't worry too much about it.

I am actually quite excited about this discovery, and a little bit ashamed at the same time. I wish I had spent more of my undergraduate experience exploring the gay culture. But at the same time, it is exciting to see someone that is living the life which I had previously deemed impossible (or improbable at the least). He has struck a balance between the gay lifestyle, and the active outdoor athletic lifestyle. I feel like a whole new world has been opened to me. Better yet, there is really no better place to explore this new lifestyle than San Francisco, which will be so close by to me!

Even if AO and I don't work out, which is likely, I will have him to thank for having motivated me to explore a brand new side of myself.

-FCDH

Expect the Unexpected

Hi Readers,

So this post will touch on a personal observation that I've made. Every single time that I have had any luck with guys, it always has been when I did not expect it. When I don't plan for it, things just seem to happen. Whereas when I do plan consciously for it, nothing happens. It is pretty weird, but I guess it kind of makes sense. Perhaps I tense up and get nervous when I do expect something to happen, whereas if I am not expecting it then I act more relaxed and enjoy myself more. Or perhaps it is a mental block that's developed there, I don't know.

This past weekend, I was suffering from slight withdrawal because most of my friends here in Austin have left. My last remaining roommate was, as usual, playing video games. As he always does. Usually I have other the other roommates to turn to to distract myself from his constant yelling at the other players. But for some reason I just couldn't be around him that day. So I packed some water, and set off on the bus towards downtown Austin. I didn't really plan for anything, I just thought about walking around. And so I got off at Barton Springs and walked through Zilker Park. I got mobbed by a friendly cute dog there, who ran away from his owner toward me, tail wagging at full force, and would not stop following me as I tried to keep walking without tripping over him (his owner had to come take him away while apologizing profusely). Things just got better from there - I guess it was a good omen.

After souvenir shopping for what I thought was my last weekend in Austin, I invited my friend CL out for a drink. She came out and we went to this place that had $10 Long Island pitchers. We split a pitcher and each had about 6 glasses, and in the meanwhile she ascertained from me that I had never really seriously checked out a gay club. So, armed with the fuzziness from the alcohol, she proceeded to drag me to a gay bar and then to Rain, another gay club.

The entire time I felt ridiculous - imagine, me wearing my flip flops, sweaty from the roughly 5 mile hike I did earlier that day, carrying a pack full of postcards and other souvenirs, going to all of these places. It didn't help (initially) that she kept trying to initiate conversation with other guys for me. She'd go up to people with her conversation starters..."what's that drink?"..."you have toilet paper on your shoe"...and then she'd introduce me. There were times when I just wanted to disappear into the ground. I was literally that embarrassed.

But at Rain, the guy that she initiated a conversation with (with the toilet paper on his shoe) turned out to be conceivably the most interesting person I have ever met in my life. He's half Japanese and half Puerto Rican, is fluent in English, Spanish, and Japanese, and is attractive as hell. =) He grew up in a military family and has lived in Tokyo for much of his life. We ended up dancing together for the rest of the night, and then before I left we exchanged numbers.

I went out to dinner with him yesterday. Had coffee afterward. Many hours passed in a flash. He is a good kisser. =)

2 more weeks in Austin. Who knows what the unexpected will bring in this time?

-FCDH

Fed Up with Parents

Hi Readers,

I feel like I need to post some conflicts I've been having with my family on here, so I can get it off my chest.

My relationship with my parents have slipped back into the fog. This summer, after the numerous conversations I had with my parents regarding my homosexuality, I was satisfied that they finally understood me, and more importantly - that they finally respected me. Not because I was gay, but because I finally became an adult, in that I was courageous enough to tell them that I cannot conform to their conservative ideals and live a lie. I thought I had finally gotten through to them, and maybe I did for a little bit, but I guess they would rather live a lie than to face the truth.

On a recent phone call, my parents asked me if I was too busy to make enough time for a girlfriend. At first, I thought it was a joke...but when the punchline didn't come, my heart sank like a stone and my head fell into my hands. I really thought that this summer was the turning point, but instead, the vision I had of my family since April had come tumbling down. I wanted to just punch something and scream. Scream that I was never going to get a girlfriend, that I was so tired of having the same arguments, that I wish I were normal so I would live up to their expectations, or that maybe if I committed suicide then they would accept the fact that I was gay. But I swallowed it all and said in a monotone voice, that I was too busy with schoolwork, and that academics was more important than girls. It sprang so easily to my lips, a lie I had perfected throughout my life. I could feel myself dying as I said it, a phrase I thought I had never needed to use again in my life.

I wonder if they could hear the death in my voice.

My parents gave birth to me and raised me for 18 years, and they provided every material necessity I have ever needed. I love them for everything they've given me, for not throwing me out onto the streets to become an orphan, and for putting in their time, their money, and their life to raise me. I know I have an eternal debt to repay to them, and I am gladly paying it.

But how could they do this to me?? I have been nothing but the best son during the all those years they raised me. I worked my butt off to make sure I fulfilled all of their expectations. I excelled in everything I did, not for myself, but so they would know their efforts were not wasted. I asked for so little in return, always trying to save money so my parents could start living their own lives when I became independent. I didn't ask for games, or clothes, or movies, or whatever else other kids asked for. I gave them everything I had in me, in the form of time and effort. But when it came to actually asking them for love and acceptance, something that the real me never got, they turned their backs.

They don't understand me at all. They don't respect me for who I am. They would rather willfully keep themselves blind than to accept me for who I am. It's getting harder and harder to see them as family. The gap between us is widening yet again, and I don't think I have the energy or willpower to close the gap any longer.

Whoever said that things get better was lying. Nothing gets better. Things just get left behind.

On the issue of my sexuality, I am leaving my parents behind me. They can choose to join me or watch me disappear into the distance. I just don't care anymore.

-FCDH

The Non-Issue of Homosexuality

Hi Readers,

I have harbored some reservations against the gay community community on this campus, and I thought I'd share my thoughts on the issue. Since I now (kinda) belong to this community, I've started taking note of the different ways that gay people fit into the local community. My reservations really only apply to those who fit and propagate the "gay stereotype" - effeminate, fashionable, flamboyant, and hungry for sex with every guy that moves. For themselves personally, I think it's fine that they act the way they do. After all, it is their life, and they are free to act as they wish. But I feel like by propagating the gay stereotype, all they are doing is to make homosexuality even more distinct separate group in society. But do we really want to be a distinctly separate group? Do we really want our sexual orientation to be the only quality that defines who we are?

In my opinion, in order to make homosexuality a non-issue, we should be aiming to integrate ourselves seamlessly into the society (sans the dating opposite sex part), in order to show others that we are not that different after all. Because in my mind, we aren't that different. We aren't unique, nor are we special...we're as special as anyone and everyone who was born with a sexual orientation, whether straight or gay. Our lives are much more than what you see on "Queer as Folk" or "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" - it spans across the entire spectrum of society, into virtually every corner that is enjoyed by "regular" people. Our world doesn't just revolve around sex, hooking up, and fashion - we care about academics, our careers, the environment, and everything else. We can accomplish the same things, enjoy the same hobbies, have the same causes that we care about, as those who were born to like the opposite sex. My belief is that acceptance of gays will come when people can see past our inherent sexuality trait, and see instead our extrinsic accomplishments in life.

That's another reason why I'm proud of my accomplishments. The first step towards acceptance is respect - and there's no easier way to earn that than to have solid accomplishments that people can look up to. To those people who believe that gay people will never amount to anything in life, or that gay people are somehow inferior to straight people, I'd like to be a counterexample to their mistaken beliefs. I'd like to think that I'm doing my part in improving the perception of gay people, in a different manner than people who wear pink and participate in Gay Pride parades. All they are doing is raising awareness about the existence of gay people ; what we are doing is much more important: mitigating the prejudices against gay people. To those of us who are taking this route, I salute you all - we have a long way to go, many battles to fight, but we will be a vital component in the victory in the end.

-FCDH

Ridiculous Conversations I've Had About Homosexuality

After coming out to my parents, I knew that returning to Taiwan to face my parents would be hard. Surprisingly, it wasn’t so bad. I think my mom is fully ok now with me being gay, and my dad seems to be slowly coming around. But the numerous conversations that we had about homosexuality prompted me to write this blog post, though not all of the things in this post came from them.

1. Who will have to dress up as the woman in the relationship?

When this question was first asked to me, it was “who will be the woman in the relationship.” First I thought they were asking about who would be doing what in bed, which would have been an awkward conversation. Luckily after some clarification, it became a simpler question to answer. Excuse me, I’m gay for a reason. That reason is because I find men attractive, not woman. If I wanted someone to dress up as a woman in the relationship, I’d probably just stick with actual women.

2. Why aren’t you more flamboyant?

Because it’s a stereotype. Because I’m comfortable with who I am and how I act, and how I act happens to be non-flamboyant. Because the moons of Saturn have not aligned yet. Because I’m the same person I was?

3. Why did you choose to be gay?

I had an hour long conversation with my mom, in which she kept asking this question. She simply could not understand why I was willing to make this choice and risk being socially ostracized and being an outcast. What I kept said to her: “Well shouldn’t that be enough to convince you that it’s not a choice?” Seriously, I’m happy with who I am now, but if it were a choice I’d choose the safer and more predictable option in a heartbeat. After much repetition of the same argument, she finally accepted the logic.

4. How do you know you’re gay without sleeping with girls?

Both my parents asked me this. I answered by asking my dad and my mom if they had ever slept with members of the same sex. When they said no, I told them that the way they knew they were straight is the same way I knew I was gay. I even traveled a harder path than they did: I convinced myself to go into a relationship with a wonderful girl in the hopes that it might change me, before I was finally “sure” in their eyes. Where’s their same-sex relationships to make sure of their sexuality?

5. Why don’t you change yourself in order not to be gay?

When my dad asked me this, I responded by asking him if he thought he could become un-gay in the hypothetical situation that he were gay. He said that he thought he could, through determination and will. I then asked him if he thought he could change himself into a gay person from the person he is now, through the same “determination and will”, and he was silent. There are no one-way roads in this matter…either it’s possible both ways or it’s not possible at all.

6. You’re gay because there are no girls in engineering.

If this is true, then I truly feel sorry for all the guys in engineering…as they will all be gay.

7. You’re gay because you have no friends.

Both my parents said this to me several times. Out of all of the conversations, this one was the one I actually felt some anger and not simply annoyance…yes, please add oil to the fire by insinuating that the son that you don’t know at all has no social ability and cannot make friends, in addition to being a disgrace to the family. Sheesh.

There are more, but I think I’ll stop here for now. All-in-all, I’m extremely glad I told my parents, and things have gone better than even I could have hoped. I’ve become a better person through it all, and I hope I can continue to eliminate homophobia in the world.

Hope whoever is reading is having a good summer!

-FCDH

Bombs Away

So I finally dropped the bombshell on my parents and sister on Thursday. The results, surprisingly, were better than I expected - I didn't get disowned from the family, after all.

With that said, my dad's completely in denial. He's so far in denial, that I don't think he'll ever accept it. My mom seems to be in hopeful denial, meaning she might be accepting of it but she still thinks it may work out with a girl. My sister is the most supportive one - she's trying to calm my parents down and prevent any abuse incidents.

That's what I am most afraid of... my dad blaming my mom for "raising me into a gay person", and hitting her. It's one of the reasons I was afraid to tell them, but now that I have I really hope neither of them will do anything rash or stupid.

The night after I told them, JW came over to my apt to pre-game before we went out to the bars. An email came in from my mom and I read it...it was talking about how she stayed strong throughout my life despite all the abuse from my dad, and how she's so sorry that she's failed me in her upraising. I ended up crying on JW's shoulder for a while after that. I couldn't help myself - I felt so bad for my mom. She's gone through so much pain in life on my account, and I've probably failed both my parents as a son, in their eyes. I can't imagine their devastation right now.

I keep replaying the scene in my head. What would have happened had I not told them?

I feel like I deserve to go to hell for this...why is life so complicated?

-FCDH

Time to Come Clean with Parents...

I'm pretty sure I want to come clean with my parents about my sexuality soon. It's been 9 years of lies, and I think it's about time it has to end. I can't continue leading my parents on thinking that I will eventually find a girl and settle down...because I'm almost completely certain that it will not happen.

Before this year, the biggest obstacle that I saw myself facing was that they would cut off my financing for my tuition. However, with all of the scholarships and awards that I've gotten in these two years, my bank account should be able to handle the rest of my semesters here at the university even if they do cut off everything. Now, the only thing holding me back is fear. But I love life too much to be living in fear.

After I tell them that I'm gay, I anticipate one of three immediate things:
1) surprise followed by acceptance
2) surprise followed by disgust
3) surprise followed by denial

I'll tell them in an email...that way they have a chance to calm down before they respond to the message. I realize that there's a chance that this may lead to the severance of my family as it is... but do I really have a choice?

It will eventually need to happen. I'm going to do it sooner rather than later.

No regrets in life. No looking back. No more hiding.

I am the person I am.

-FCDH

New Years and its Dilemma

It's now 2010! Happy New Years! For my new years resolution, I want to make 2010 a better year than 2009, which will be slightly hard given my amazing summer 2009 experience. in Spain and Taiwan. But I am looking forward to having an awesome year with my friends, organizations, and new things that I've wanted to try out.

In the past few days I've been partying way too much, first with Brendan and Anthony's friends, and then with Meghan and Katrina's friends. On new years eve, I was at Meghan's party and had a blast. And I also had my first experience with a guy. The experience was slightly weird. If I thought that my first experience with a guy would reaffirm my sexuality...I was wrong. I'm now supremely confused about myself. I should've taken Lauren's advice and not made my judgment about myself so quickly.

Will follow up with another post soon. For now i'm gonna go play Civilization 4 with Don.

-FCDH

Life is so Gay

People always say that God does things in mysterious ways. But for me, and probably million of others like me in the US, I just have one question for Him: Why me? Why now? and Why this?

If you are reading this, here's a test of our friendship.

I'm gay. There, I've officially said it. Whew.

But why?? Why am I gay?

This question has haunted me for the longest time. For the past 9 years, in fact. It was so frustrating, to find answers for all the questions I've ever had, except this one. I hate its simplicity: 4 words, that can bring no answers, no respite, no comfort, no nothing. Only pain and grief.

I've been good at keeping my homosexuality hidden my whole life. I consider myself an expert in manipulating my outward emotions, the way I talk, the way I interact with people. It's definitely an artform, to silently walk among those who had no idea who you really are. To sound like you are genuine in your laugh at their joke about gay people, or to pretend like you agree with their views on how gay people are so weird and feminine. At the same time, feeling like a knife was slicing into your heart every time someone says something like that, knowing that one day comments like this will be aimed towards you.

But then, coming to college and finally finding hope! Independence from your suffocating family, from your old and dear friends, from everything that was familiar to you. A new start. A clean slate. But I was a coward, still unable to face reality, living in a delusional fantasy. Thank god for my friends, without you all I couldn't have made this journey. Even though you were all so shocked when I innocently slipped it into our conversations, the support and love I've gotten has been like nothing I've ever experienced. And this time, I know it's real love... it's for the person I am, not the person I'm pretending to be.

And now, I'm standing at the summit. I've completely accepted who I am, and my sexuality. I recognize that the future will be hard, especially with my conservative family. I don't know when it will happen, but I'm ready for it. I am...(can it be?)....secure in my sexuality. For everyone that helped me realize it, I thank you. I thank god every single day for surrounding me with such amazing people.

God. Now we've come around full circle. God, I know you've given me the challenge to test my strength. It took me a while to see it, but now I will rise to the challenge.

To ppl reading this: As I said, I'm secure in my sexuality. I know it 100%, so you could TRY to convince me otherwise, or to tell me how it's a sin in God's eyes...but I doubt you'd succeed. If you're feeling disgusted by this blog post, I suggest you unfriend me from facebook or quietly exit your way out of my life. I will be saddened, but that's just how the dice falls. Whatever happens, happens. Just remember, my hands are always outstretched to everyone, regardless of their beliefs.

PS: Good luck on exams, everyone.

-FCDH

Transvestites and Sexuality

Today, I had probably the most fun class period I've ever had in college. In my Calc II class that I TA, the professor and I were chatting with some of the students (it was a free homework / discussion period) and somehow the topic drifted to Thailand. The professor said "oh you should be careful about getting it on with people in Thailand...if you know what I mean." The students were all like "no, not really...". So I introduced them to....Thai transvestites! (or ladyboys, as they are also referred to).

They are basically men who have underwent surgery to become women. One of the students looked up a picture of a ladyboy, and the students were all like "OMG I CANT BELIEVE THATS A MAN". So, what did we do the rest of the class? That's right...we looked up every ladyboy online quiz that we could find, and tried to identify the women from the...non-women lol. It's surprisingly hard...I'd encourage everyone to give it a shot lol. I'd never laughed so hard in class before, I was practically crying because I was laughing so much, and my jaws ached so much.

Here are some tips: if they look sexy, they are probably male. The converse is true...the ugly appearance ones in these quizzes are usually female. hahah.

But on one of the quizzes I saw the following comment:
"Dude, what does it matter if they're actually guy or girl? As long as they don't have dicks, I'll have sex with them whether or not they're a tranny or not".

This curious comment got me thinking: how does one exactly define a man and a woman? More importantly, how does it define the attraction that we feel towards members of the opposite or same sex? How does one define the sexuality of a transvestite? Societal perceptions are obviously very important in this, but...just how much do we hear about societal perceptions of transvestites?

If a guy got rid of his...equipment, and retooled his entire body to resemble that of a female, does that make him a girl? The moral implications of this seem to be extremely broad, and seemingly negative - should this be disclosed with any partners that the person wishes to have, does this count as misinformation, etc etc.? On the surface, this seem like a pretty clear-cut issue - it would seem obvious that the ladyboy should disclose their "real" selves, and be "moral" and "ethical" about it. Digging deeper, it seems to reveal a paradoxical consideration in my mind.

If a gay guy chooses to have sex with a girl, or if a lesbian chooses to have sex with a guy, would society demonize them for it? No...I'd say that society actually backs this choice rather than the "come out and let them know" version. So what makes it different for transsexuals?

It seems that somehow, the notion of CHOICE is very important in this issue. Homosexuality is not something that can be chosen. Transsexuality, however, is a different story. But the situations seem similar: a closeted lesbian chooses to have a relationship with a guy, or a ladyboy chooses to have a relationship with a guy. So what's different? Not the hurt that would be imparted on the unknowing person in the relationship, that should remain the same. If homosexuals can hide their sexualities (and be in denial) when looking for a relationship, it would seem that the same would apply to transsexuals.

But just consider these two statements, and what they make you feel:
-"I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a lesbian."
-"I broke up with my girlfriend because she was transsexual."

If you felt more negative/weirded-out by the second one, you're not alone.

I've thought about it some more, and I've realized that I can't come to a conclusion on why I should feel this way, why societal views on this issue should differ, or if there is a right answer to this question. I'd love to hear your comments, or feel free to stalk my blog silently.

-FCDH