Relax, it's Only a Hurricane

Hi Readers,

Every year I take 2 weeks off from work to go back and visit my parents and my sister, who all live in Taiwan right now. I am currently in day 2 of my annual family vacation. We choose someplace different to go together every year, and this year it's the island of Hokkaido, in Japan. This is supposed to be a wondrous place, full of wildlife, nature, scenery, and good food. The only catch? We happened to book our flight for one of the weeks when there was a typhoon (Asian hurricane) hanging out over the entire Hokkaido area. It has rained nonstop for the entire time that we've been here, which is a good (opposite?) change from the eternal sunshine that we get in California.

I guess that we are lucky in the sense that the typhoons typically don't pack much punch in terms of wind. Generally speaking, the rain causes all the damages. Because of that, our tour group is continuing the tour through Hokkaido, through all the torrential rain. I told the tour guide that this is a refreshing change from the nonstop sunshine that we get in SF, but I kinda lied... It's only the second day, and I'm already tired of it. Despite so many people trying to convince me that I would tire of the eternal sunshine in California, it's already been 2 years and I'm not even close to being tired of it yet.

The island of Hokkaido is not at all what one would imagine when thinking about Japan. It's probably what the main island of Japan would have looked like 100 years ago. There's so much wilderness here, it could easily pass for rural Colorado or something, except cars drive on the left side of the road. But because it is so wild, there's a lot of down time everyday on the bus as we drive all around the island. Right now, all the people on the entire bus (as far as I can see) are passed out. I'm taking advantage of this time to write this quick blog post. This reminds me of the long bus rides that we took in Africa, when I would also blog the entire ride too. Traveling can be such a cathartic experience (is that the right word?)

So far, I am having lots of fun with the family. It's been so long since I've seen them, and everything is going well so far. I'm hoping the rest of the trip will be the same way. Though, maybe a little less rain.

Cheers,
FCDH

My Research - Detecting Cancer with Positron Emission Tomography

Hi Readers,

I periodically have these blogging sprees like today. It's too bad they don't come more often than they do. Right now, many of you probably know that I am at Stanford University, en route to getting a Ph.D in electrical engineering. However, I don't think I've ever talked about what kind of research I do there.

Like the title suggests, I work in a group  that focuses primarily on a medical imaging method called Positron Emission Tomography (PET). It is a technique commonly used for "functional imaging", which means that you are trying to image a process in the body, instead of the structure of the body. Most conventional imaging, such as CT scans (shooting x-rays through the body), MRIs (using magnetic fields to induce proton rotation in the body), and ultrasounds (bouncing sound waves through the body), use structural imaging to accomplish their task.

Here's a simple explanation of how PET works for cancer imaging. Cancer tumors are simply clumps of cells whose only orders are to grow as fast as they can, and forget about what they were originally supposed to do. To grow, they must have as much sugar as possible, and so they gobble up all the sugars in the body to maximize their growth rate. Therefore, if we can attach some kind of tracking device to sugar, we should be able to see where the tumors are by seeing where the sugars go. This is exactly how PET works.

In the case of PET, the "tracking device" is actually a positron that the specialized sugar (called FDG) releases in the body. When the positron is released, it will hit an electron in the body; since one is matter and one is antimatter, they will disappear into pure energy (called annhilation). In this case, the pure energy is released as two photons, or light particles, which shoot out of the location of annihilation in the complete opposite direction of each other. As these two leave the body, they hit detectors that surround the body, which records down their location. After that, you simply draw a line between these 2 locations (like connect the dot), and now you have a line which shows the possible places the tumor is located. These lines go in every random direction and share only one common trait, which is that they must intersect the tumor somewhere. Therefore, if you draw a million lines, the place where they all cross each other is the place where the tumor is located.

The project that I am working on involves the construction of a PET machine that can be used specifically for breast cancer imaging. There are five members on the project team. I am the person in charge of designing and integrating hardware to monitor the operation of the machine. This involves prototyping different configurations of the signal lines on the machine, sensors for temperature and humidity, as well as the detector-by-detector monitoring. Of course, it involves more than that, and probably has much more in common with an industry job than a university Ph.D, but it is a fulfilling and exciting role on a team of brilliant people.

Till next post!
FCDH

Journeying through Time

Hi Readers,

As one of my friends had his wedding this week in Chicago (congrats to SF and RZ!), I decided to take the entire week off to catch up with friends in the Chicago area. I flew into Sioux Falls, South Dakota, to meet up with one of my best friends, SB. We planned on taking a roadtrip through South Dakota and western Nebraska, before driving back to Chicago for the wedding. We saw a bunch of national parks and monuments and did cool things, including the minuteman missile silos, Mt. Rushmore, caving in the Black Hills, driving through herds of buffalo in Custer state park, and hiking at Scottsbluff. After I returned to Chicago, I attended the wedding with another one of my best friends, LB. We proceeded to hang out for the rest of the weekend. I am writing this post from the flight back to SF right now.

Hanging out with these friends, it is hard to believe that 2 years have already passed since I graduated from undergrad. It seems almost as if nothing has changed, and that I am in undergrad again. Time seems to be accelerating. Already, half of my twenties are gone. SB is moving to Canada, and LB may soon become engaged. As much as I would like to think that time is static and that I can continue doing what I've been doing, the reality is that I'm getting old and cannot keep doing this for much longer.

With every year that passes, time becomes more and more valuable. People say that the twenties are the golden years, a time to take risks, have fun, and be reckless. The twenties are the time when people are the most flexible with their life options. That should make it the golden time to try new things. Some people think the only thing worth trying out in the twenties are different people, but that is only one aspect of life. But it is easy to get stuck in a groove of doing the same things day in and day out. And then, before you know it, the thirties arrive, along with a whole new wave of expectations.

My biggest fear is to live life with regrets. When I reach thirty, I want to be able to look back and see that I lived it to the fullest. To do this, I must continue to learn how to use my biggest fear to overcome my other fears. Please, let me have the strength and foresight to do so.

FCDH

Obsession

Hi Readers,

I have talked about being scared of zombie invasions in the past, and recently I have been taking "precautions", you could say. I find myself looking to prepare for any apocalyptic scenarios which may happen. I have stocked maps in my car in case one day GPS doesn't work anymore, water filter and tablets in case running water ever runs out for some reason, fire starters and flints on the ready in case I ever need to start a fire, and more.

I feel like I have always been fascinated by stories of disasters and dystopic stories where one must fend for themselves. Maybe it is kind of a rebellion against my upbringing, when I was made fun of for being so heavily  dependent on my parents. Nowadays I pride myself on not needing any material substances (including cash) from my parents in order to survive. But then somewhere along the line I seem to have crossed into the paranoid region, where reality is now superseded by what-ifs ans implausible scenarios that I still feel obliged to prepare for.

I find myself now recklessly buying stuff which is not really necessary for everyday use. The other day I saw a website selling a foldable saw, and I almost bought it. Why in the world would I need a foldable saw? But yet I feel this strange urge to continue the buying spree. Perhaps I am becoming more American now in my shopping habits. But then most Americans  probably don't buy survival stuff when they do go on shopping sprees.

Or maybe the apocalypse will happen one day and then we will see who has the last laugh! Assuming that I'm not patient zero and all...

FCDH

Reconnection

Hi Readers,

Today was just a typical day. Nothing really special, maybe apart from going to Facebook to eat dinner. I was stuck on a MATLAB problem, and had been stuck on it for an hour or so, when my Facebook decided to ping me with a new message. The message originated from someone I did not immediately recognize. I took a closer look, and realized it was one of my friends from grade 9 (would equate to freshman year in high school).

It is incredible how much catching up you can do with a person you had completely forgotten about just an hour ago. It feels so weird! She is still so bubbly and enthusiastic like before. It's almost as if time had frozen in place and now we are back in the same time and place. Place being in computer drafting class, where we'd waste a bunch of time during class playing stupid little online flash games during class.

She apparently has 2 kids now and has a degree in nursing. Didn't know that she had spent the bulk of her life in San Francisco either - quite an interesting life. It's amazing what Facebook can do to rekindle old friendships. How miraculous technology is!

Cheers,
FCDH

Mother's Day

I called my mom and wished her a happy Mother's Day. The call ended with her in tears because I still "refuse to get a girlfriend." Not sure what to do, if anything. Perhaps I should just put a time limit on our conversation, or when she starts asking about "special friends" I should just pretend that the signal is weak and that I can't hear her. Another rough year ahead in this arena, I suppose.

-FCDH

Take a Breath, Take a Risk

Hi Readers,

It has been a phenomenally long time since I have updated my blog, and I realize that. Not a week goes by without me thinking about it. But tonight, there's something I want to write down for future me.

Traditionally speaking, it has always been an extremely difficult thing for me to say "no" to anything. Whether it be to take up a role, take up some responsibilities, or something else, I feel the compelling urge to say "yes" regardless of what I am asked (within reason). It has led to some of the best things that could have happened to me. However, I have often found myself willingly walking into time traps which I knew would be time traps from the beginning. I attribute this to a lack of foresight on my part. But tonight, I said "no". And boy, it was a difficult "no" to say indeed.

In the past year, I have served as the co-chair of Stanford's Graduate Student Council. It was an extremely rewarding experience, and in the process, I learned a lot. However, it was also an extremely time consuming process, one which I told myself that I was not going to repeat again this year. I swore to myself that I would give it up, in hopes of getting more done on other things which I was more passionate about. While the chair position is indeed a glamorous position, it sure feels a lot more glamour looking in from the outside than actually being inside it. Therefore, as the election for the new chair grew closer and closer, I looked forward to shedding this leadership role from my burdens, and doing other things which I am actually more passionate about.

Today, one of the people running to be one of the new chairs asked me to run with him as the co-chair of next year's GSC. Apparently there was not a single other person who wanted to run for chair. It is hard to describe the feeling that came over me when I found that out. It was literally like I had to say "yes". I didn't want the position, but I also didn't want to GSC to turn to crap next year, so I really had an overwhelming urge to say "yes". I know that wasn't his intent, but for about 5 minutes I was scrunching my face and trying not to say anything affirmative that I'd regret later. I eventually managed to stutter out a "I'll let you know" and hung up. But it shook me hard. I had to sit for some minutes while the two sides battled it out in my brain, before my roommate knocked some sense into me. I eventually managed to write an apologetic email saying that I wasn't willing to commit to it.

I know what happens when I bite off more than I can chew. I end up performing poorly on all the responsibilities I have, by trying to balance time between everything. But even knowing that, I want to take on the responsibilities anyways. I guess I am afraid that other people may do a crappy job with what they are given (which, ironically, is what happens to me). Given a choice, it seems I'd rather take on all these responsibilities and let all the potential crumble to dust, than to leave the opportunity for someone else who may do a better job. I wonder if it's a trait that I've been brought up with - to think of yourself over the greater good, or to go with the known instead of taking a risk with the unknown.

Today's a good start to changing this destructive behavior of mine. I said "no" to the position, and I am feeling better about that decision with every minute that passes. Even if the new chairs turn out to be horrible, it won't be my fault for not running. It's out of my hands now. Maybe in the future I will be able to say "no" more often and take more risks.

-FCDH

Insomnia

It's the night before the convex optimization final exam, and somehow I cannot sleep. It is probably the sheer amount of caffeine that I consumed tonight.

For some odd reason, I cannot stop thinking about my parents tonight. I am so troubled by what will happen to our relationship in the years to come. My dad, being the type of person he is, may likely never accept me as a son again post the coming out process. What will happen when he retires from work? We live thousands of miles apart from each other; a good son would take care of the parents when he has the means to do so. Yet I cannot reconcile between my duties as a son and my duties to myself. Am I supposed to move them to America? Move back to Taiwan? Does it even matter, if I can never fulfill their dreams of marrying a wife and starting a family? My parents have sacrificed their whole lives for other people - for my grandparents, and for my sister and I. Their time to sacrifice should be over, yet I cannot fathom how I can make their lives better without turning my back on myself and who I am.

The thought of my family makes me so miserable. I hate feeling helpless. Like I feel for this exam right now.

-FCDH

Reminder

What is wrong with me? I love life. This is not me.

I'm so conflicted.

Can't I just start over again? I'm losing it.

Surprisingly, the physical effort of rearranging my mouth into a smile actually helps.

So do the GSC election candidate numbers. We've done it.

Get back into that locked box, you monster.

A Safari through Kenya

Hi Readers,

We are currently on the way back to Nairobi from our 6-day long safari.  I had never really done my research about the safari beforehand, so I had no idea that the animals would be so far away from the car. Therefore, I was ill equipped with a camera with bad zoom capabilities. However, my partner in crime GS had a nice camera, so I outsourced most of the phototaking to him. In return, he gets my underwater pictures from our snorkeling trip, so I guess its a fair enough trade?

We had planned a 6 day long safari, to ensure that we see as many animals and parks as possible. Most people do a 3 or 4 day safari, and their destination is usually the parks of Lake Nakuru, and Masai Mara, both of which are relatively near Nairobi. However, as we were starting the safari in Mombasa city, on the coast, we decided on adding in 2 more parks near Mombasa, which are Tsavo East and Amboseli. We split up the trip into one day in each park, and 3 days in Masai Mara.

We were initially unsure what exactly the lodging would be. It turned out that every single park has lodges or eco-camps inside, where we would be based while exploring that park. The amenities were generally very nice, though there were so many mosquitoes everywhere that I was glad for my anti-malarial medicine. Every meal was a buffet, and I can never resist stuffing my face when faced with a buffet. It is a habit that I must change one day...

The safari van that we have is a simple minivan, like the ones that are used for the matatus everywhere here. You are able to undo a latch and push the entire roof up about 2 feet, allowing you to stand up and look outside. Our driver was a guy called Lucky, who is very strict about following rules in the parks. We never went off-road, even though a lot of other cars did, because it was illegal and the punishment is severe.

Each park has its own distinct personality and animal group. Tsavo East is a wet grassland, and has tons and tons of zebras, elephants, and giraffes, though we also saw a lion napping. Amboseli is a desert grassland with many water holes, so we saw many birds and elephants taking baths. Lake Nakuru, my favorite, is known for its large flock of flamingos. We also saw both white and black rhinos, as well non-napping lions this time! Masai Mara, the name of the world-famous Serengeti on the Kenya side, had a plethora of landscape and wildlife that encompassed everything we had seen in Tsavo East and Amboseli.

On a safari, people like to talk about the "big five" animals: elephant, buffalo, rhino, lion, and leopard/cheetah. Out of all wild animals, these 5 animals kill the most humans in East Africa, but the list has also become something of a checklist for safari-goers. We successfully saw all five, except not the cheetah. I was most impressed by the lions, because they were just so damn cute! The small ones were super playful and jumping around everywhere. The large ones would look around as if bored, and then flop their heads down (as if they had suddenly lost their neck muscles) to take a nap.

This was certainly a super cool experience! If I go again, I will be sure to bring a better camera!

Cheers,
FCDH

Mombasa and the Hobbit

Hi Readers,

I have spent the past 4 days here in Mombasa. It was certainly the laziest and most relaxing 4 days that I've spent here in Africa. There's not much to do in Mombasa other than just to chill on the beach, so that's what I did. And then when the vendors got annoying, I chilled at the pool instead.

We did go snorkeling one of the days, and it was really fun! It was my first time, so it was slightly challenging to adapt to the air tube and the fact that you can't breathe from your nose. We saw lots of starfish, sea urchins, fish, and coral.

We also took a tuk-tuk, which is the name of the motorbike taxi ubiquitous to Mombasa, to the movie theater to watch The Hobbit in 3D. The movie was pretty good, but I did remark to GS that the entire Hobbit storyline is a parody of the quintessential modern startup dream; the only difference is that it's set in Middle Earth.

You are approached by a group of strangers, who pitch a fantastic-sounding  proposal fraught with risks and dangers. They promise you a cut of the payout at the end of the journey, if you will only drop whatever you are doing and join them. In the group, there's a genius whiz, and a guy who always believe you aren't pulling your weight. Some people are in for the riches, and others are in for the idea itself. You quickly rid yourself of unnecessary luxuries (such as free time), and along the way you prove yourself to the team.

After watching a movie, usually I think, "gee I wish I was that movie character." Funnily enough, in the case of the Hobbit, it's actually possible!

Off to safari!

Cheers,
FCDH

Mombasa and the Hobbit

Hi Readers,

I have spent the past 4 days here in Mombasa. It was certainly the laziest and most relaxing 4 days that I've spent here in Africa. There's not much to do in Mombasa other than just to chill on the beach, so that's what I did. And then when the vendors got annoying, I chilled at the pool instead.

We did go snorkeling one of the days, and it was really fun! It was my first time, so it was slightly challenging to adapt to the air tube and the fact that you can't breathe from your nose. We saw lots of starfish, sea urchins, fish, and coral.

We also took a tuk-tuk, which is the name of the motorbike taxi ubiquitous to Mombasa, to the movie theater to watch The Hobbit in 3D. The movie was pretty good, but I did remark to GS that the entire Hobbit storyline is a parody of the quintessential modern startup dream; the only difference is that it's set in Middle Earth.

You are approached by a group of strangers, who pitch a fantastic-sounding  proposal fraught with risks and dangers. They promise you a cut of the payout at the end of the journey, if you will only drop whatever you are doing and join them. In the group, there's a genius whiz, and a guy who always believe you aren't pulling your weight. Some people are in for the riches, and others are in for the idea itself. You quickly rid yourself of unnecessary luxuries (such as free time), and along the way you prove yourself to the team.

After watching a movie, usually I think, "gee I wish I was that movie character." Funnily enough, in the case of the Hobbit, it's actually possible!

Off to safari!

Cheers,
FCDH

Walking the Knife Edge

Hi Readers,

Today I read a BBC news story. Just 2 weeks after we came back safely from Kilimanjaro, an Irish climber was killed by lightning on the exact same path that we took. This is an experienced climber who has done Mt. Everest before, yet his experience couldn't protect him from an unpredictable danger. It is an ever present reminder of the fragility of life, especially balanced on the knife edge between excitement and prudence.

I consider myself supremely lucky to have survived all that I have tried in life without any serious physical injuries. I have learned to silence that nagging voice in the back of my head when I'm planning something, because I know that if I really think it over, I will most likely not follow through with the plan. However, oftentimes, I fully realize the dangerous situation that I put myself into when I'm actually there and doing it. Kilimanjaro was an example, but perhaps the worst example in recent memory is actually Pico de Orizaba, in Mexico. We had no guide there, no support, and little experience. Something really bad could've happened to us there.

I have felt uncomfortable with traveling with GS sometimes, because we tend to be over confident in our abilities, and underestimate the dangers that may be present. In order to 'live the life', I've often had to silence my common sense and instinctive reaction to a suggestion. I am normally a very pragmatic person, prone to overthinking things (my parents says it is a family trait). This new way of approaching opportunities had led me to explore spontaneity, and opened more of the world to me than I ever thought I would see. But I must always remember to keep a reserve force of caution in order to truly evaluate the choices that are in front of me.

When I tell people this, they often resort to the "well people can die from anything at anytime" argument. While true, the situational risk is not an insignificant part of it. Though one could probably be struck my lightning at anytime anywhere, walking through thick rain clouds on Kilimanjaro probably increases the risk by quite a bit. My parents have always been worriers, so slowly I've had to start hiding the full story from them. But I can definitely feel myself growing reckless in the past year. Booking spontaneous trips to foreign countries, attempting to summit mountains without proper knowledge of the routes or obstacles which might lie ahead for us, are both not smart decisions.

I need to be more careful of what I take on. I can't let my parent's contributions and sacrifices for me go to waste. I can't lose my future just for some adrenaline rush. 

Off to the safari tomorrow! Can't believe I'm returning to the states in a week. Freaking unbelievable.

Cheers,
FCDH

Emotional Souvenirs

Hi Readers,

I will start off by saying that I love to travel. Whenever I am trapped in an environment for a long time, I just want to leave and find a new place to be, people to meet, and things to discover. But I often find this a dangerous game to play for one's long term mental well being. Let me explain.

People always think other people live better lives than they themselves do. I do all the time as well. Usually when I feel this, it is a feeling which quickly passes, because everyone around me had the same value system as I do. When that is the case, it is easy to reason out why I am living life the way I do.

But when you are traveling, this assumption of equal value system gets thrown out the door. You meet people who have been traveling for years non-stop; people who have given up on jobs, families, or even the idea of a home; people who I would normally call 'directionless in life'. But these people are happy, and they are really living the life. Especially as a person who espouses the desire to experience new experiences, I can't really fault their point of view. In fact, it is during times like this that I begin to wonder if maybe one day I will end up like them.

I met a person the other day in Nairobi called WH. He had quit his job a year ago and traveled around the world non stop for a year and a half now. He let me read some of his journals, and I was shocked and fascinated to find that we both believe in pretty much the same beliefs when it comes to experiences. He believed that, when it comes down to it, we must take action of our own life instead of just talking about it, which I wholeheartedly agree with. To hear about his experiences around the world was amazing. He even spent time in Taiwan!

After he and his friend left to go climb the 3 big mountains of East Africa, I sat there at the hostel in a semi stupor, just thinking about my own life and where it is heading. Nobody has definitive answers to these types of questions, but traveling tends to clear up my mind as well as confuse me even more at the same time. It is quite a paradox. As he said to me, when you are traveling,  you tend to hit bigger highs, but you also crash into deeper lows too. Along with the physical souvenirs that you buy, you also collect emotional souvenirs as you go.

If life is a roller coaster, then traveling is like an amusement park full of roller coasters (maybe Cedar Point or Six Flags?). During this journey, I have often felt like I am living someone else's life. It really makes you question all that you have taken for granted or dismissed about life. But that is perhaps the most significant and lasting impact that can result from travels. Which is why I will continue to travel for the rest of my life.

Cheers,
FCDH