The Songs that Changed my Life

Hi Readers,

For some reason, I woke up today and thought that a cool post would be to write about the songs that have profoundly impacted my life and made me into who I am today. None of these songs are my favorite songs now, but they've all had a concrete impact on me. It's weird to think that some band somewhere far away was able to write a song that was able to influence your life, but I'm glad they did. Without further ado, here are the top songs that have influenced my life in chronological order of influence.

1. Numb, by Linkin Park.
This was one of the very first non-classical songs I had heard (the very first was Usher's "Yeah", in 9th grade)., and it resonated with me a lot. It very accurately laid out my feelings of growing up under the pressure of Asian tiger parents, and feeling like you're not in control of your own destiny. Before this song, I had always known that my parents were very controlling people, but I had always thought that it was for the best. Funnily enough, the song was such a big influence on me because it made me really depressed about life. Its non-conformative message made me into a more independent person later on, and also caused me to resent my parents for their controlling ways. Ultimately this song made me realize I didn't want to live life, being dictated what to do by other people.

2. Everybody's Fool, by Evanescence.
This was the first song by Evanescence that I heard, and I think it's one of their best songs. For this song, it was actually the combination of the song and the music video that did it for me. Watching Amy Lee live a fake life and be miserable in the music video was scary for me. It painted a picture for me, of what it would be like to go through life pretending to be something you're not, and keeping a facade to fool other people. In the Chinese society, that's essentially what you do. Whenever people get together, you always have to put on a facade to fool the other person into thinking you are superior than they are. You must look down from them on your fake pedestal and make them feel bad about themselves. That's a big part of the "pleasure" of these interactions. I always hated it - eternally being compared to other people who are supposedly "better" than me, never being good enough for anything, or knowing that your parents only want you to do something so they can brag about it to other people, not because they really cared about it. This song made me realize I wanted to live life as a genuine person and present my true self to the world, instead of living some facade and being internally miserable.

3. What If, by Coldplay
Oh... where do I even begin with this song? Probably the singular most important song I'd ever heard. I first noticed this song during the depths of my depression in my sophomore year of college, and it's a tremendously big part of how I became as happy as I am now. The important parts of the song talks about the "what if's" of life, and how we cannot know how things will turn out until we try them. "Every step that you take, could be your biggest mistake. It could bend or it could break, but that's the risk that you take...Oooh that's right, just take a breath and jump over the side. Oooh that's right, how could you know it if you don't even try?" The song really helped me to see that there is no "set path" in life, and led to my acceptance of my sexuality. When I finally mustered up the courage to come out to my parents, the lyrics "take a breath and jump over the side" were with me. It's still inspiring me, to base my beliefs and values upon experiences, and to try as many things as I can in life.

So there you have it. Three simple songs that helped shape me into who I am today.

-FCDH

An Autumn Blossom

Hi Readers,

Here's a short poem to reflect on my recent relationship. It's only been a month but I find myself falling for him - hard. This feeling is something I can't control. I've never felt it before. I won't lie - but I'm scared shitless. And excited. Exalted. And a billion other things at the same time. Let this poem represent it.

---

An Autumn Blossom

Has it only been three months

Since I felt as Lewis and Clark must have

As I began conquering the West

Absorbing new sensations

Building them into my soul

How could I have seen

Your warm embrace

Those piercing eyes 

From which I cannot escape

Infected by that smile

Now that I have been drawn

Inextricably as if by the Siren's call

Neither work or anything else

Feel complete without you

The cure for my daydreams

I don't know what to do

My walls have come down

Am I just naive to believe

That you may be the one?

Is this the path everyone must walk?

Even if it is a fleeting blossom

May this snapshot preserve its state

So when I look at it in the depths of winter

I will remember treasured times

When I felt truly complete.

-FCDH
11/23/2011

An Incomplete Requiem

Today morning, I found out about a tragedy. One of my friends, who was also one of my biggest role models that I looked up to, died this past weekend. The cause of death is still unknown as of yet...but that doesn't change how I feel about the loss. I feel as if the world has been robbed of all the talents and skills that she possessed, and all her friends robbed of her companionship.

She was a metaphorical giant amongst other overachievers. One of the legendary originals of Engineers Without Borders...one of the most renown, most feared, and most respected. Her name was always spoken with a certain reverence. In her presence, you knew you were in the presence of someone who could get things done, who had the foresight of a leader, and who has seen success numerous times.

At the same time, she was caring about those around her. For those who wanted advice, she gave it. For those who wanted a helping hand, she offered it. For those who wanted to make a difference, she made sure that they did not quit, and offered encouragement for their success.

You were one of my biggest role models. You were an untouchable in my mind...I strived so hard to live up to the potential of the foundations that you and others laid for Engineers Without Borders. Even now I am not sure I have succeeded, but you were always at the back of my mind, urging me forward, not to quit. In my mind, you could do no wrong.

But your invincibility was shattered in my mind today. Why?? Why did this have to happen?? There was so much more that you could have done, so much more you could have taught, so much more you could have experienced...there was such a bright future ahead for you.

So much died with you. Even now, I still cannot comprehend the magnitude of the loss that we are all suffering from your passing. I can still see your face in my mind...you chuckling at my disillusionment of EWB... you idly asking about my day when we pass on the street... your humorous conversations during the EWB bar crawl...

Did you hear my whispers to you today as I rode past the idyllic rice paddies? Wherever you are...I have faith that you will be able to make as much difference there as you have in this life. I cannot stop the tears from coming to my eyes right now, but I will try to be happy for you, wherever you are. Your spirit will live on in us forever.

Like a luminescent bubble soaring upwards in the breeze, let the brilliance of your soul and spirit shimmer on forever...always visible in our minds and our hearts.

Until we meet again, my friend.

Rest In Peace.

-FCDH

How to Live Life

In my opinion, one does not appreciate life until one is able to understand oneself. In my various bouts of depression, I've come to understand myself extremely well, and I definitely think it's one of the keys to being able to love life.

I will try not to delve on myself in this blog post. Instead, I want to give tips on how to best live a healthy and fulfilling life, in my opinion. Healthy not as meaning a balanced intake of your basic food groups every day, but a life that is healthy for the mind - psychological health. Everybody will see life differently, so please take this post with a grain of salt - it's written from my point of view. So here goes.

1) Find your passion and KNOW it.
There's nothing that I hate more than to meet someone who has no passions. It's fine to say "I don't know what I want to do with my degree" or "I don't know what to do in the future", but I think it's an absolute offense to the world for someone not to have any sort of passions. Everyone has at least one, often many - mine is knowledge, food, and music, others might like linking together circuits to create devices, or designing a city, or something else. Even if your study is not related to it, it's fine. The point of having a passion is to have a purpose to fall back upon. It's extremely easy to become disenchanted with life when there's nothing holding you to the world.

2) Accept life as a given
Everything in life happens for a reason. Most of the time, that reason is yourself - the mere fact that you exist means that stuff will happen to you. It's inevitable. It's not always what we choose. But that's what makes life so interesting, no? I used to lament on my homosexuality, and I used to wish that I could simply be normal. But now, I've accepted it and embraced it as a part of myself, and I've grown to love life even more by doing it. Everyone is unique, and nothing is better or worse than anything else - what matters is what we make with what is given to us, and that's completely in our hands to control.

3) Do not live with regrets
I've gradually learned this lesson painfully for the past 8 years - as a closeted individual in elementary school and secondary school, I've been afraid of ever coming out, mostly because of my family. But as I found myself in college, my fear of repressing myself forever began to battle my fear of coming out, until eventually it won - and I came out of the closet. I believe this point to be the most important point you could ever have in life. You only live life a certain way once, so why would you live in regret? If you are afraid of doing something, ask yourself this question: will I be more afraid of facing myself for the rest of my life not doing this thing? Every decision you make should be a conscientious decision. If you choose to do something, stick with your decision and don't second-guess yourself - you merely chose a path through life, one of many. You may not like the outcome, and that's fine, but never regret the fact that you made that decision. If you choose not to do something, do so conscientiously, and don't regret your decision. If you think you will regret it, then you need to swallow your fears and do it - because you never want to second-guess your decisions in life.

4) Know your limits, and set no limits beyond what is absolutely necessary
A lot of times, opportunity arises unexpectedly, and are only evanescent for an instant. You'll need to make a snap decision, and you'll either grasp it or lose it. In these times, it is important to know yourself and your limits really well, so that you don't dawdle and lose the opportunity. Apart from this, it is also important to try new things in life, so that you experience the most out of life. There's a difference between sensible fears and irrational fears, and I think we should all try to overcome our irrational fears.

5) Smile, Joke, and Laugh!

One of my friends asked me the other day how I am able to engage people in conversation so well, whether it's a bartender or barista or even random stranger on the street. I basically gave him one hint: smile more when you talk. He came back a week later and said it seems to work wonders. But that's a lesson - society is not supposed to be impersonal and cold. When we open our hearts, good things will happen. I've gotten free food and drinks from places just because I initiated a conversation with the barista / server while waiting for them to make the drink / food. Your passions and important to you, so take these seriously in conversation - but for everything else, loosen up and treat it all as a gift you've been given. Because you have - without interactions with each other, we are not human.

6) Do not obsess about how society sees you

You're you, and you're nobody else. Don't conform to what others want you to be - create yourself into the person you want to be, as long as it doesn't prevent others from doing the same things for themselves. For others' reactions, let them think what they will. For example, I often walk around barefoot because it's comfortable - others can deal with it as they see fit. I don't really care that much about how others see me - if I'm dancing on the dance floor, or singing karaoke, I'm thinking only about my own enjoyment and nobody else's. I may dance poorly or sing off-key, but I don't care because I'm enjoying it. Don't let others prevent you from enjoying who you are.

7) Stop and smell the roses

In our daily life as engineers, it is so easy to become so engrossed in our work that we stop seeing the small wonderful things of life. Follow your natural impulses. If the weather is good, go outside and enjoy it. I had an impulse one day to climb the giant bronze monument outside of Grainger as I passed it, so I did - and it was fun. There's a lot we miss when we close off our minds to anything outside of our routine.

8) Try new things!

Is there something gross-looking in the store window that you would never voluntarily try in your life? Go try it - test out your intuition. I've tried the weirdest foods this way - cow tongues, duck tongues, cow lungs, dog meat, frog meat, crocodile meat, sea horses, crayfish, and much more. If anything, you confirm your fears and never try it again. But at least you'll be able to say "hey I got up the courage to try this even though I didn't think I could." I've done the most difficult things in life this way. Skydiving, debating, studying abroad, and rock climbing being some of the most prominent ones. Life never gets dull this way!

9) Know that you are stronger, more capable, and more resilient than you think

Most of us have never truly pushed our boundaries of capabilities in life, but I think we'd all be surprised at what we can withstand if needed. I set a challenging goal for myself every semester to constantly test the waters of my capabilities. When people ask me "how do you survive taking 22 hours??" I tell them - you sign up for it and you'll survive it. Many of us have constructed imaginary barriers in our minds that prevent us from actually using all of our skills at our disposal, but if we just believe in ourselves, we find that we are actually much more capable than we imagined. But don't take my word for it - try it out for yourself.

10) Constantly engage those around you to be better

I'm saddened whenever I see potential capabilities in people go unused or wasted. My goal is always to strive to make those around me become better people. In the process, I've made myself a better person and made some of my closest friends this way.

So there you go, those are all the things I can think of right now. I'm sure that there are more things that can be said, and that some people will be extremely uncomfortable with following some of the things on this list. But hey, this is how I interact with the world, and I'm happy with it.

-FCDH

10 Tips on Working Successfully

Since many have been asking me how I do everything so "well", here's a blog post dedicated to it. I don't particularly believe that I do things any better than anyone else or that I'm smarter than anybody else, but work ethics is very important in this. So here goes my list.

1. Understand the Course Material
I cannot stress this point enough. When subsequent material is dependent upon previous material, memorization will get you absolutely nowhere. To do this, I do two things: I (almost) never do homework with friends, and I never go to office hours. I grind through homeworks by myself, developing my own methods of thinking about concepts, in order to develop my own method of understanding. I don't like being forced to think about concepts from someone else's (often incompatible) understanding. I clarify remaining confusing concepts with the professor at the end of class. Even if I do badly on the homework, it's an incentive to revise my understanding for the tests, where grades matter more.

2. Plan ahead
At the beginning of each week (Saturday for me), write down every single assignment that is due that week, so there are no surprises. You'll see bottlenecks earlier, and (hopefully) get work done earlier.

3. Do NOT pull all-nighters
I've only pulled 2 complete all-nighters in my life, and one of them was in high-school. All-nighters are extremely counterproductive to learning and getting work done, because you become extremely tired the next day and can't focus, and it becomes a vicious cycle. With that said, I pull half-all-nighters (till 3ish am) daily to finish my work.

4. Aim for >6 sleep every day
This does not have to be a continuous block of sleep. I usually get 4-5 hours of sleep per night, and I make up the rest with naps during the day. I always nap 1-3 times a day, 1-2 hrs each time. Usually, whenever I feel extremely tired while doing work, I take a nap...because my work effectiveness essentially drops to zero during this time anyways. I never nap less than 30 minutes, and I try not to nap more than 2 hours.

5. Prioritize homework order wisely
On weekends, when I know I'll procrastinate on whatever homework I am doing because I still have 3-4 days before the earliest one is due, I'll deliberately start working on the LAST homework first. I know I'll finish the first homework on the day before it's due regardless of whether I work on it beforehand or not, so by doing the last one first, I actually maximize my productivity during the week when things pop out of nowhere and threaten to overwhelm me.

6. Aim for large productive chunks of time
I isolate myself from all contact every single day for many hours at a time. With my headphones cycling through the youtube playlists I made myself, I shut the world out and focus on my work. Do NOT sit next to someone you know...I did so today and my work productivity was extremely poor. Techno, Radiohead, and Coldplay make great study music. If I have less than 1 hour of time to work continuously on stuff, I don't bother pulling out homework sets or lab reports - the hour is better spent on organizational stuff like emails or organizational duties. To achieve max productivity, you need to get into the "groove".

7. Do work in public spaces
At a public space like the computer labs, I become less inclined to check facebook, watch youtube videos, etc., because I don't really want other people to see my non-productiveness (I tend to get annoyed at non-productive people in computer labs because they take up computer space that more productive people could be using). So I concentrate extremely well in the computer labs...and that's where you'll find me, 4th floor of EH every single night, grinding away. I find this to be extremely powerful when combined with #6.

8. Make yourself comfortable wherever you're working
I take off my shoes, recline my seat as far back as possible, put on my comfy headphones, sip on my iced coffee, and generally retreat into my own cocoon when I work. Find what you need to work efficiently, and make sure it is there. Find a productive place to work, and stick with it.

9. Recognize that academic success (aka. good grades) require a lot of time
There's no secret shortcut to it. I don't think there's a single class that I'm taking which gives homeworks that take me less than 3 hours to finish. I usually camp at the computer lab for at least 6 hours every weeknight, and sometimes the number increases to 9 or 10. Which is why #8 is important.

10. Blow off steam at least once a week
Do something fun. Life will seem more bearable that way. Go party, get wasted, go work out, whatever makes you happy. The only thing I recommend against is computer games...don't do anything game that is related to a computer, because it quickly turns into an obsession (aka. time drain).

Next post: how to live a healthy life. =)

-FCDH

Bombs Away

So I finally dropped the bombshell on my parents and sister on Thursday. The results, surprisingly, were better than I expected - I didn't get disowned from the family, after all.

With that said, my dad's completely in denial. He's so far in denial, that I don't think he'll ever accept it. My mom seems to be in hopeful denial, meaning she might be accepting of it but she still thinks it may work out with a girl. My sister is the most supportive one - she's trying to calm my parents down and prevent any abuse incidents.

That's what I am most afraid of... my dad blaming my mom for "raising me into a gay person", and hitting her. It's one of the reasons I was afraid to tell them, but now that I have I really hope neither of them will do anything rash or stupid.

The night after I told them, JW came over to my apt to pre-game before we went out to the bars. An email came in from my mom and I read it...it was talking about how she stayed strong throughout my life despite all the abuse from my dad, and how she's so sorry that she's failed me in her upraising. I ended up crying on JW's shoulder for a while after that. I couldn't help myself - I felt so bad for my mom. She's gone through so much pain in life on my account, and I've probably failed both my parents as a son, in their eyes. I can't imagine their devastation right now.

I keep replaying the scene in my head. What would have happened had I not told them?

I feel like I deserve to go to hell for this...why is life so complicated?

-FCDH

Memories of Chinese New Years

The Chinese New Years is the quintessential Chinese experience. Especially as both my mom and dad's side of the family started off in the countryside as farmer's, I've probably had more fun out of this holiday than most people that I know.

Out of everything I can remember when I was small, I remember some things vividly. One of these is the Chinese New Years celebration at grandma's place in Changhua. Nostalgia.

--

I am shaken awake groggily by my sister, who grumpily tells me to get up and promptly leaves my room. She's not a morning person at all, but as she is extremely ticklish my dad always resorts to tickling her to wake her up. Which means she gets into a grumpy mood. Also means that I should watch her expressions carefully through the morning - don't want to annoy her even more.

My mom's already making breakfast for the family. It's soggy rice porridge, with fluffed pork and pickles and peanuts on the side. She usually goes all out in the mornings where something important will happen. Else she usually makes scrambled eggs.

Eat. Parents admonish me to pack my toothbrush. We walk outside our apartment into the still-dark night. Doesn't mean it's not humid - Taipei is eternally humid and hot, even at night. Dad's ridiculously old Geo is parked in the underground garage. We stuff our baggages in the trunk, and dad maneuvers it effortlessly out of the cramped spot and garage.

It is only 4am, but already there are loads of cars on the roads. I zone out and the Taipei City scenery flashes past me. The giant 10-lane boulevards, smaller streets, cramped alleys. Vendor carts are unmanned today - nobody will be manning them during Chinese New Years. We get onto the highway leaving Taipei, and I try to fall asleep in the car. Fortunately I succeed, and avoid having to deal with motion sickness in the car. Nothing ruins a long car ride than throwing up every 20 minutes.

I wake up and look at the clock. It's around 9am - we've been driving for close to 5 hours. "Where are we?" I ask, and was told that we have only reached about halfway to our destination. Traffic is beginning to back up all the way from Taichung City, and the car slows down to a run, then a jog, then a walk, then a crawl. I am relieved - no motion sickness any more - and fall asleep again.

It's noon, and we are weaving around the maze of countryside roads on our way to grandparent's house (grandparents from my dad's side) in the township of Huatan in Changhua County. I have never been able to understand how my dad remembers the way so accurately. I consider myself to be an expert in geography and directions, but even I cannot remember the twisting mazes of roads and alleys. Along the way, my dad brings up, for the umpteenth time, how my grandparents from my mom's side gave me a horrible name (Defensive and Punctual), and that they should have gone with the name given by my grandparents from my dad's side (Scholarly and Diligent).

Suddenly, we're there. A blue cast-iron gate, with crudely-shaped lion heads on either side. I get out and run to press the doorbell, and a loud clanging sound ensues at the push of the button. The gate opens with the screeching sound of metal on metal, courtesy of the rusting joints, and behold - it's one of my uncles. Which one is this again? I can never distinguish between my dad's 5 brothers.

We pull into the somewhat spacious courtyard, and the adults unload the luggages while the children run off to find cousins. My dad maneuvers the car to a corner of the courtyard, beside the stagnant pond - whose only conceivable purpose must have been to serve as mosquito breeding grounds.

The courtyard is surrounded on three sides by my grandparent's one-story dwelling. It is hard to describe the house - the architecture is just so different from Western style. Numerous doors lead into the courtyard, so one could simply walk from the courtyard into any location in the house. Of course, there are double-layered doors - one for locking, though this is rarely done in the countryside, and one with a mosquito net to ventilate the house while minimizing the threat of mosquitoes.

The rest of the day passes in a whir. The adult men are gathered around in the living room, having heated discussions of politics. Kuomintang Party vs. Democratic Progressive Party. My dad's brothers all have the same propensity for irrational arguments, so before long they are yelling at each other and not listening to each other's points at all. Then the women brings another round of tea, the discussion cools down, only to restart the cycle again. Adult women gather to make a austere but sumptuous-tasting feast. Lots of chopping sounds interspersed with gossip - whose kid got into Taichung First High.....yes my husband bought me the expensive dress from the luxury store...etc. Some of the teenage girls help with making sweet dumplings from scratch, making the dough and patiently wrapping each small ball of filling with some dough. The kids run around and play simple games - jump rope, biking around the farms nearby, climbing the tree in the courtyard, playing cards; somebody brought a connect-four. Sometimes we try to help with the dumpling making. The sisters let us help with a few, before shooing us away and re-folding the ones we folded badly. An euphoric mood.

The night begins to fall. Those who go out for exploration around the countryside begin to return with giant mosquito welts. An intense mosquito repellent application session ensues, and soon the entire courtyard smells headily like camphor tree oil. But the mosquitoes stay away. The teenagers begin to plan their firework/firecracker and drinks run to the store. As usual, kids can't go along - "why?... Because kids under 10 years old can't go...you can't just make up the rules!!...MOM!!...kids stop bickering and get us some water for the kitchen from the pump in the yard!"

Soon the dishes are arranged in the dining room. By this time almost all the relatives from my dad's side have arrived - 8 uncle-aunts, 21 cousins. We fill up our plates and head out to the courtyard, and sit on the ledge while we eat. Already, we can hear firecrackers and firework sounds coming from around. And soon after, the kids lay lethargically around the courtyard. Those who have the energy to get in groups begins to play games, while others just lay and looked at the bright stars overhead or chatted...armed, of course, with fly swatters.

In a while, the dumplings are ready, so we grab bowls and load up on the sesame and peanut-filled dumplings. They are absolutely delicious, but we are told - wait until everyone has had some before taking seconds. Teenagers begin to break open the fireworks and firecrackers, so we begin to have fun. Sparklers, roman candles, fountains, spinning shrieking tops, water whistles, and the quintessential rockets. For a while, nothing exists apart from the flashing lights and hissing sounds that emanate and reverberate from all around the courtyard. Even the adults come out and group together, watching the kids and teenagers have fun.

As midnight approaches, the adults begin cooking Age-noodles. These are unbroken strands of noodles, and superstition holds that the more you can eat without breaking the noodle, the longer your parents will live. The kids naturally try to best each other, so the courtyard fills with slurping noises. Around this time, the adults begin to hand out Red Packets, with money inside them, out to the kids and teenagers. The excitement of opening one, and seeing the money inside, is probably the best feeling in the world. Sometimes they only have 100 NTD ($4) inside, sometimes they have 500 NTD ($20), but it doesn't matter too much. Each gives to their own ability. Plans are rapidly drawn up with what the money will be used for - comic books, games, putting it into the bank, buying a basketball.

Midnight arrives. The largest and most brilliant firework is fired - the long string of firecrackers, and the mesmerizing popping and crackling announces the new year. The countryside fills with yells of "Xin Nian Kuai Le", or happy new year, and the remaining rockets are fired into the air. The highlight of the night is over. Superstition says, the longer you can stay awake on New Year's Eve before falling asleep, the longer your parents will live. Most of the kids make it until 1am, but beset by exhaustion of the day's activities, begin to turn in and pass out on the beds. By this time the adults have set up the individual mosquito nets on each bed, so kids don't have to worry too much about bites during the night. The adults have boiled large pots of water, so kids can now take quick baths with the rough soap and buckets, assuming they have not fallen asleep yet.

The last thought before I fall asleep - how could I have not managed to stay awake for longer so my parents will live a longer and healthier life?

And then, nothingness.

--

I returned to my grandparent's place last summer, for the first time in 12 years. It's been 9 years since they've both passed away. The landscape is alien - factories and workshops dominate the landscape where once farms stood. Yet as I stood outside the faded blue gate, I could not make myself open it. I didn't want to taint the innocence that, for me, still existed behind those gates. To contemplate everything that is forever out of my reach now apart from my memories.

Post-Script: I can't believe how nostalgic and emotional I am right now. I can close my eyes and visualize the entire scene playing out in front of my eyes. I haven't, and probably won't, experienced anything even remotely close to this ever again. How I so want to go back in time and experience it again.

-FCDH

Snowboarding is a Four Letter Word

Ever since high school, I've loved snowboarding. I still look back fondly upon the first memories I have of snowboarding. It was when I was in gr.10, when Bernie and Annie invited me to go on the snowboarding trip with their family. I was somewhat hesitant about choosing to snowboard, since I've only skied before in my life, but I decided to do it. And I signed up for a day-long beginner lessons, and so did Bernie's mom, hahaha. And so begun my love for snowboarding.

Granted, by the end of the first day my butt/knees/elbows were all practically black from the bruising. The first time I skied (when I was 9), I fell twice the entire day, albeit they were pretty spectacular falls (one involved me hitting a bump and literally flying into a tree). The first time I snowboarded, I had fallen 4 times before I had even reached the lift, and then getting off the lift...is one of the hardest things ever. I still haven't mastered this skill. I probably fall around 50% of the time I try to get off the lift.

On my trip to Devil's Head this past week, I did snowboarding on the first day, and then on the second day I decided to try skiing for the first time since 4th grade. In comparison with snowboarding, skiing seems so much easier to learn. By the end of the day I could go down black diamonds without falling on skis. It's probably a combination of the easy runs at Devil's Head and the relative easiness of skiing.

On this trip, I practiced and learned the following things:

-how to carve goofy style on a snowboard

-how to ski

-how to drive a manual (thanks for lettin me abuse your car, Peter =D...)

Learning how to snowboard goofy was almost like relearning how to snowboard again. Needless to say I fell a lot. But there comes a point, where your body is so bruised, that when you fall on it, there is a fleeting moment when the pain consumes your entire being. When you are incapable of feeling anything else other than pain, incapable of moving, or even to make a sound. It's almost a state of purity, when the pain cleanses your being for a moment, before the outside world rushes in again. As it happened over and over again, I became almost eager for the pain every time I felt myself lose control of the board.... For my mind to be consumed so singularly by one and only one thought. It must be what real love feels like...something I've never experienced from anyone, and something I may never get to experience.

I love snowboarding, because it takes so much focus and concentration, that I can just shut out the world for a while. It's the quality that makes me love everything that I love to do, such as piano and rock climbing. With all the distractions that the technological age brings, it's nice to just be able to dedicate and focus all my attention on a single thing, and let the rest just melt away into the background. When I'm on the snowboard, gliding down the slope, nothing else matters other than the joys that snowboarding brings. Just the slope, the feel of the snow, the wind rushing past, and the knowledge that I am in control of everything that matters to me, even if just for a fleeting moment.

-FCDH

New Years and its Dilemma

It's now 2010! Happy New Years! For my new years resolution, I want to make 2010 a better year than 2009, which will be slightly hard given my amazing summer 2009 experience. in Spain and Taiwan. But I am looking forward to having an awesome year with my friends, organizations, and new things that I've wanted to try out.

In the past few days I've been partying way too much, first with Brendan and Anthony's friends, and then with Meghan and Katrina's friends. On new years eve, I was at Meghan's party and had a blast. And I also had my first experience with a guy. The experience was slightly weird. If I thought that my first experience with a guy would reaffirm my sexuality...I was wrong. I'm now supremely confused about myself. I should've taken Lauren's advice and not made my judgment about myself so quickly.

Will follow up with another post soon. For now i'm gonna go play Civilization 4 with Don.

-FCDH

My Dysfunctional Family

Many people have asked me how I could be so callous about my family. Indeed, I do feel somewhat disconnected from my family. My relationship with my family is somewhat complicated, especially with my life history and weird family dynamics. Out of my 20 years in life, I've spent 18 with my mom, 15 with my sister, and 9 with my dad. Even right now, my dad works in Thailand, my sister works in China, and my mom lives in Taiwan, while I'm in the US. I think my family's one of the most disjointed families out there (I have not yet met another person with every member of their family in a different country). We are also a very traditional patriarchal Chinese family, with power and control resting primarily in the hands of my dad.

In my earliest memories of life in Taiwan, the bad memories outnumber the good memories by a pretty big margin. In fact, when I look back now, some of the instances might represent child abuse situations. I remember being in gr.1, getting something like a 99% or 98% on a math test, and being beaten by my dad for it. I remember getting beaten by my mom for going to a friend's house after school (that one I could understand, I didn't tell her beforehand that I was going so she was worried). I also remember getting beaten by my sister for taking too long in the shower. In general, I remember getting beaten a lot. I was pressured to play the piano, do absolutely perfect in school, take on speed reading classes and mental math classes, and other crap as well. At the time, I wasn't bitter, I was just numb. Life was depressing, and I didn't have any real friends that I could remember (apart from 1 person that I met in piano class who I've known for 15 years and counting =D).

Even after I moved to Canada, my dad still controlled the puppet strings of the family. I hated talking on the phone with him, because he would always preface the conversation with "so how is math and science?" Never anything else, even today. He reminds me of the Communist Party in China...he was always one to shoot down any traces of free thought or nonconformity in the family. It never really was "my future", it was always "his future". So in my high school years, I did what he had done: study hard, be a nerd, and get straight A's. I went to the university he chose, and into the major he chose for me. In some ways, I love him for it, because it contributed to who I am today. In other ways, I hate him for it, because I can never know what would have happened otherwise, and I will never know now.

When I say that family doesn't mean much to me, that's not completely true. I love my family, and everything that they've done to get me to where I am today. When I say that family does not mean much to me, I mean that my family's opinion and thoughts really don't mean anything to me now. All thanks to study abroad and interning abroad.

In my entire life, my dad and I had one real father-to-son conversation, where he actually LISTENED to what I was saying instead of just saying what he thought. It was in my sophomore year, when I was thinking about going to Tunisia to intern with Shell. It was just a musing on my part, I didn't actually pursue it seriously. He attempted to shoot the idea down as usual, except I countered with rational arguments to every point that he had. At the end, we were both so mad at each other, and he basically said "ok you can go but you won't be my son anymore," at which point I started crying and I hanged up on him. From that point on, even after he called to apologize, I just stopped caring about what he thought.

My sister and mom tried to do the same thing a week later, except with my musings of semester-long study abroad in Germany. My sister threw arguments about me using up the family savings on my college education, and I threw back her incredibly wasteful purchase of a new 3 bedroom apartment just for herself. Eventually she said "hey here's a thought. Why don't you stop taking money from us and start earning your own way and see how you like it?" At which point I said "fine with me. I'll take out student loans myself and make it through college. But I won't be calling this family my family anymore." At which point my sister went silent, my mom started crying, and I hanged up the phone. And that was when I stopped caring about the rest of my family.

I've already seen the results of following my dad's path, in my sister. She's missed out on so much in life, and I feel bad for her, but I'm not going to make the same mistake. I know I'm justified in wanting to live life my own way, and not anybody else's way. If it were not for the Chinese belief of filial devotion to parents, I would have severed this relationship long ago. As it is, my current path is diverging with that of my family, but I'm tired of walking their money-centric path. I don't care about getting filthy rich like my family wants, I just want to live a full life, something which only time can buy. So there, that's my history with my family...do you think I'm justified in feeling what I feel?

-FCDH

Life and Death

I've wondered incessantly for awhile now, about the true worth of life, and about what life itself is worth to us. How do we judge how much life is worth? Almost more importantly, why do we strive to accomplish in life, when we know that we'll eventually meet each other on the other side anyways?

When you really think about death, and what it means, it's really not a scary thought. Death is simply the absence of life...when our senses fail us, when our cognitive abilities fail us, when our physical body leaves our control. People seem extremely shocked when I tell them that I've actually considered death as an option at one time or other. I don't really understand where this shock comes from...surely, there has to have been times when the disadvantages of life seem to outweigh the advantages so much, doesn't it?

The value of death, is that it frees you from having to deal with life. When ones value system has degraded to a point that death is the most highly valued option, then that's usually what happens. There was a time that family used to hold the highest position in my value system, whereas now it barely holds a position above that of death.

As I see it, life is about experiences and knowledge. The more there is to experience in life, the more things that lie between life and death. I'm constantly excited about what life offers, trying new things, learning new knowledge, and constantly pushing myself. Death is constantly creeping up on us, and the best thing to do before embracing death is to embrace all that life has to offer.

I've always seen death as eternal - a place where both perception and time do not exist. I don't believe in reincarnation, or heaven/hell, or any specified religious beliefs, for this reason. For me, we exist for one reason only: to experience all that we can. I realize that none of this may matter in death, but if death is eternal, then each moment spent in life is an eternity in death. So even though we all eventually end up at the same point in death, the route taken to reach the point is not the same. One person may spend an eternity longer in enjoyment of life than another person.

This sounds somewhat like selfish hedonism, and in a way it is. I do what I do, only because I love to do it, not for any external reasons. Life is too precious to do anything different. Through my bouts of depression, this is something that I've come to realize, and it is probably the most important thing about myself and about life that I will ever realize.

When you realize this too, you will understand exactly how one can change oneself, in order to benefit the most from life. I can remember a time when I used to be self-conscious, shy, and scared of trying new things. But now I've purged all those, for one and one reason only: to get the most out of life. And I'm still constantly seeking to weed out any remnants in me that may prohibit me from getting the most out of life, and to bring others into realization of this fact as well. Life is beautiful, and life is short. Life is too precious to be wasted. We must all change ourselves, the way we treat the world, the way we interact with people, in order to get the most out of our lives. There's so much potential that remains undiscovered.

I've lost too many opportunities in my youth already, but I won't waste anymore time regretting that. From now on, I will seize every opportunity that I can get to get what I want to get out of life. Love the world, love the people, but most importantly, love yourself and your life.

-FCDH

A Shattered Future...

Before I start in earnest, I'd just like to say that I just found Lady Gaga's "Paparazzi" today and I am completely hooked right now. Theres just something about the beat that gets me...i see others in the computer lab giving me furtive glances as I bump around in my seat to it. Oh well.

I got an email back from Jun today, and she was...amazing. She accepted everything I said, and said that she understood everything and appreciated the truth from me. She was so supportive...oh how I wish things had worked out. How I curse the fortunes of fate that it did not work out.

I am so glad that I have such a great friend in Jun...I feel like I don't even deserve it. Looking back, it was foolish for me to start the relationship with Jun in the first place, but...in those months, I learned so much about myself. I'll always treasure the good memories with Jun. Those late nights in Engineering Hall, that trip to Chicago...

The other day, when I went to Chicago for the ECE alumni event, we drove past Navy Pier and the harbor buildings. I was surprised by the emotions that came over me. I actually shed a tear...good thing the van was dark. That cruise, Blue Man Group, the hostel...all back in such a dark period of my life. Now I can only reminisce on what-could-have-beens, an entire future gone up in smoke.

My life finally seems like it is moving back on track. The past two years have been such turmoil, and if I did not have engineering to keep me sane, I don't know where I would be now. I've suffered two crashes into severe depression, lost track of the number of times I've thought about suicide, and now I've finally regained my footing.

I have one more hurdle to go: my family. I doubt they will understand...how their treasured son could have failed them in such a fashion. I'm absolutely dreading the day when the truth will be imparted on them. The day of reckoning. The day when I'm either accepted or cast out of my family, for being who I am.

In the past two years, my imagined future has been shattered, re-glued together, and shattered again. This time, I'm going to leave the broken shards where they are. A memento of the past, of simpler times, when the future seemed perfect, even if it were only a hallucination...

Thank you so much for remaking my life, Jun. I owe so much to you...you have absolutely no idea how you have changed my life. I hope I can make it up to you, one day.

-FCDH

Do I Discriminate??

11/12/2009

Today, I had a good day: lecture, lab, field trip for my civil engineering class, and then I went to a leadership workshop after that. Or what I thought was a leadership workshop...it turned out mainly to be one of those long personality tests, where you answer a bunch of questions and it tells you your personality at the end.

I was slightly annoyed by this, but the free Jimmy John's sandwiches and chips calmed me down =). After taking the test, my test assigned me my personality: a Specialist, with a placed importance on friendship standards and competence. All of the descriptors of Specialist were accurate..basically, the test completely nailed my personality from 28 questions. After assigning me this personality, I had to scratch out areas on a page, and it would give me my traits. I eagerly (well, as eagerly as one could be for a test like this) scratched out my box, and it contained one word: "Discriminating".

My mind did a backflip. I was like "WTF" and proceeded to scratch out the boxes around it, which had nothing but praise ("observing, convincing, confident" etc etc). I was sorta stumped...and slightly peeved that the test had managed to guess this aspect of my personality. I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but I feel like I do discriminate subconsciously. I always try and block out all discriminatory material from any of my interactions with other people (and probably succeed at it), but the point remains...I still feel it.

I think it has something to do with the fact that I've been around many others who have broken out of stereotypes, but I feel intolerance towards people who fall into the stereotypes of their gender or race. Asians always talking in incomprehensible languages, engineering girls gossiping about who got drunk or who got horny or who got felt up last night (i might have a blog post about this later), to name a few. I don't know if I am justified in feeling this way or not, nor how much I am able to change the way I feel, but I certainly feel extremely fake when I interact with these people. I can act accepting and all that, but down inside I still have those stereotypes, and the negative connotations they bring.

Even though I can recognize that it's wrong and that I shouldn't feel that way, I still do, and I can't control that. I think this raises an important issue: could liberals, in our ever-expanding efforts to make society more open for minority groups, be making society a more repressive place, forcing people to carry on "fake" interactions with each other? For conservatives who are against abortion or gay marriage, it seems like it's no longer a issue of WILL they come around, but rather COULD they. Of course, the current society is by no means a non-repressive society, but it seems that those who were repressed or non-repressed would have their roles switched around if liberals get their way.

But I think one thing still remains clear: that of acceptance. I understand that my views are flawed, and I consciously work to mitigate that in my interactions with the people I would discriminate against. Now if only conservatives can be more accepting of pro-choice or gay people, regardless of how they actually feel, the world would seem that much more accepting and welcoming.

-FCDH