Twisted

Hi Readers,

I feel like there is a giant weight above my head, ready to drop and crush me.

I am torn between two desires, and I don't know what to do.

I want to freeze time, and savor what I have without having to worry about the future.

I want to bury my head in my arms and scream in frustration.

My insides are twisted with uncertainty.

Tears.

Stress.

I want to run away from all that plagues me.

One thing at a time.

Quals.

Pull yourself together.

Relationships.

This is not a time to be weak.

Life.

-FCDH

Speed Bumps

Hi Readers,

I feel like I need to write this post to remind myself how to be happy by myself. Being in a relationship, I'm becoming too complacent about my own personal happiness, more specifically the source of my happiness. I must remember how to derive happiness from other places and other activities than just from him. Life passes at an unyielding pace. I've become so used to going at a breakneck speed through life, that being in a relationship is throwing my sense of happiness all off-kilter. I must come to realize that other people travel at different speeds through life.

In the past 2 months, I have come to find that the road through this relationship is littered with speed bumps. Like the stereotypical bad Asian driver, I lack hindsight, and believe that the last speed bump I passed through will be the last. Naturally I get frustrated with all of the speed bumps, because it necessitates a repeated process of acceleration and sudden braking as the speed bump comes into view. At the current moment, I find myself in a state of mind where happiness is only garnered when one has reached the destination point. I find myself constantly frustrated with the speed bumps, not because they are there, but because I keep putting the expectation into my mind that I'll be able to speed, and keep having that expectation broken over and over again.

I have forgotten what I used to do when I didn't have a car. I used to walk or bike, and enjoy taking time out to smell the roses or to appreciate the scenery. I would explore paths through the forest on a whim, and enjoy the journey itself as well as upon reaching the destination. The world is still full of unexplored wonders. But now, all I do is wait around for the next time I'll get to see him? On average, I shouldn't be feeling less happy than I did before I was in the relationship. It is a paradox.

I love being with him. It's simple, easy, and I can find happiness with a phone call and a short drive. But I must stop myself from turning into this domesticated animal, dependent on others for my own happiness. Since he has put up his speed bumps, I must somehow learn to put up my own speed bumps, to prevent myself from being disappointed. More than that, I need to remove the destination from view, in order to stop my expectations from hitting a brick wall over and over again.

Let me turn off the GPS system and go for a joyride. Destination unknown.

-FCDH

A Year's Summary

Hi Readers,

So much has happened in a single year, both in my own life and the world around me. From the Arab Spring to the earthquake in Japan, billions of lives were dramatically changed all around the world. Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed, and the war in Iraq was ended. Herman Cain and Michelle Bachmann became household names, and Rick Perry's political career took a nosedive.

On Jan. 1st, 2011, I didn't know what my future post-graduation held. I thought I had equal probability to go into graduate school or industry. For grad school, I expected to be in UC Santa Barbara or Berkeley. Stanford didn't even factor into my calculations. I had applied to Stanford simply because I had ordered an extra leftover transcript and I thought it shouldn't go to waste. Look where I am now. Funny, eh?

Did you know that I was interviewing for full-time positions? I had interviewed until the final rounds for a position for Mitsubishi in Japan, and for National Instruments in Texas. A part of me thought I would go to industry for sure. Why not Japan? Why not a clean break from my past? Was I too scared to go through with it? Is that the reason why I chose to come to grad school?

I couldn't have seen myself entering another relationship so soon. I didn't even know anything about California. Sure, I had heard that there were more gay people here, but then again who knows? Am I even attractive to others? Could I even get anyone if I wanted to? I knew only one thing - I would learn how to face the world bravely, alone or not. But I was scared shitless.

My resolutions for this year.
-Learn Surfing
-Visit South America
-Learn Arabic
-Summit Half Dome
-Visit Redwood, Mt. Lassen, Sequoia, Kings Canyon, and Joshua Tree Natl Parks
-Visit Chinatown in SF! (haha this one should be easy to achieve)

New Years is always a time for anxiety and excitement. I am curious to see what the next 365 days will bring, and what the future me will think of the current me.

-FCDH