How to Live Life

In my opinion, one does not appreciate life until one is able to understand oneself. In my various bouts of depression, I've come to understand myself extremely well, and I definitely think it's one of the keys to being able to love life.

I will try not to delve on myself in this blog post. Instead, I want to give tips on how to best live a healthy and fulfilling life, in my opinion. Healthy not as meaning a balanced intake of your basic food groups every day, but a life that is healthy for the mind - psychological health. Everybody will see life differently, so please take this post with a grain of salt - it's written from my point of view. So here goes.

1) Find your passion and KNOW it.
There's nothing that I hate more than to meet someone who has no passions. It's fine to say "I don't know what I want to do with my degree" or "I don't know what to do in the future", but I think it's an absolute offense to the world for someone not to have any sort of passions. Everyone has at least one, often many - mine is knowledge, food, and music, others might like linking together circuits to create devices, or designing a city, or something else. Even if your study is not related to it, it's fine. The point of having a passion is to have a purpose to fall back upon. It's extremely easy to become disenchanted with life when there's nothing holding you to the world.

2) Accept life as a given
Everything in life happens for a reason. Most of the time, that reason is yourself - the mere fact that you exist means that stuff will happen to you. It's inevitable. It's not always what we choose. But that's what makes life so interesting, no? I used to lament on my homosexuality, and I used to wish that I could simply be normal. But now, I've accepted it and embraced it as a part of myself, and I've grown to love life even more by doing it. Everyone is unique, and nothing is better or worse than anything else - what matters is what we make with what is given to us, and that's completely in our hands to control.

3) Do not live with regrets
I've gradually learned this lesson painfully for the past 8 years - as a closeted individual in elementary school and secondary school, I've been afraid of ever coming out, mostly because of my family. But as I found myself in college, my fear of repressing myself forever began to battle my fear of coming out, until eventually it won - and I came out of the closet. I believe this point to be the most important point you could ever have in life. You only live life a certain way once, so why would you live in regret? If you are afraid of doing something, ask yourself this question: will I be more afraid of facing myself for the rest of my life not doing this thing? Every decision you make should be a conscientious decision. If you choose to do something, stick with your decision and don't second-guess yourself - you merely chose a path through life, one of many. You may not like the outcome, and that's fine, but never regret the fact that you made that decision. If you choose not to do something, do so conscientiously, and don't regret your decision. If you think you will regret it, then you need to swallow your fears and do it - because you never want to second-guess your decisions in life.

4) Know your limits, and set no limits beyond what is absolutely necessary
A lot of times, opportunity arises unexpectedly, and are only evanescent for an instant. You'll need to make a snap decision, and you'll either grasp it or lose it. In these times, it is important to know yourself and your limits really well, so that you don't dawdle and lose the opportunity. Apart from this, it is also important to try new things in life, so that you experience the most out of life. There's a difference between sensible fears and irrational fears, and I think we should all try to overcome our irrational fears.

5) Smile, Joke, and Laugh!

One of my friends asked me the other day how I am able to engage people in conversation so well, whether it's a bartender or barista or even random stranger on the street. I basically gave him one hint: smile more when you talk. He came back a week later and said it seems to work wonders. But that's a lesson - society is not supposed to be impersonal and cold. When we open our hearts, good things will happen. I've gotten free food and drinks from places just because I initiated a conversation with the barista / server while waiting for them to make the drink / food. Your passions and important to you, so take these seriously in conversation - but for everything else, loosen up and treat it all as a gift you've been given. Because you have - without interactions with each other, we are not human.

6) Do not obsess about how society sees you

You're you, and you're nobody else. Don't conform to what others want you to be - create yourself into the person you want to be, as long as it doesn't prevent others from doing the same things for themselves. For others' reactions, let them think what they will. For example, I often walk around barefoot because it's comfortable - others can deal with it as they see fit. I don't really care that much about how others see me - if I'm dancing on the dance floor, or singing karaoke, I'm thinking only about my own enjoyment and nobody else's. I may dance poorly or sing off-key, but I don't care because I'm enjoying it. Don't let others prevent you from enjoying who you are.

7) Stop and smell the roses

In our daily life as engineers, it is so easy to become so engrossed in our work that we stop seeing the small wonderful things of life. Follow your natural impulses. If the weather is good, go outside and enjoy it. I had an impulse one day to climb the giant bronze monument outside of Grainger as I passed it, so I did - and it was fun. There's a lot we miss when we close off our minds to anything outside of our routine.

8) Try new things!

Is there something gross-looking in the store window that you would never voluntarily try in your life? Go try it - test out your intuition. I've tried the weirdest foods this way - cow tongues, duck tongues, cow lungs, dog meat, frog meat, crocodile meat, sea horses, crayfish, and much more. If anything, you confirm your fears and never try it again. But at least you'll be able to say "hey I got up the courage to try this even though I didn't think I could." I've done the most difficult things in life this way. Skydiving, debating, studying abroad, and rock climbing being some of the most prominent ones. Life never gets dull this way!

9) Know that you are stronger, more capable, and more resilient than you think

Most of us have never truly pushed our boundaries of capabilities in life, but I think we'd all be surprised at what we can withstand if needed. I set a challenging goal for myself every semester to constantly test the waters of my capabilities. When people ask me "how do you survive taking 22 hours??" I tell them - you sign up for it and you'll survive it. Many of us have constructed imaginary barriers in our minds that prevent us from actually using all of our skills at our disposal, but if we just believe in ourselves, we find that we are actually much more capable than we imagined. But don't take my word for it - try it out for yourself.

10) Constantly engage those around you to be better

I'm saddened whenever I see potential capabilities in people go unused or wasted. My goal is always to strive to make those around me become better people. In the process, I've made myself a better person and made some of my closest friends this way.

So there you go, those are all the things I can think of right now. I'm sure that there are more things that can be said, and that some people will be extremely uncomfortable with following some of the things on this list. But hey, this is how I interact with the world, and I'm happy with it.

-FCDH

10 Tips on Working Successfully

Since many have been asking me how I do everything so "well", here's a blog post dedicated to it. I don't particularly believe that I do things any better than anyone else or that I'm smarter than anybody else, but work ethics is very important in this. So here goes my list.

1. Understand the Course Material
I cannot stress this point enough. When subsequent material is dependent upon previous material, memorization will get you absolutely nowhere. To do this, I do two things: I (almost) never do homework with friends, and I never go to office hours. I grind through homeworks by myself, developing my own methods of thinking about concepts, in order to develop my own method of understanding. I don't like being forced to think about concepts from someone else's (often incompatible) understanding. I clarify remaining confusing concepts with the professor at the end of class. Even if I do badly on the homework, it's an incentive to revise my understanding for the tests, where grades matter more.

2. Plan ahead
At the beginning of each week (Saturday for me), write down every single assignment that is due that week, so there are no surprises. You'll see bottlenecks earlier, and (hopefully) get work done earlier.

3. Do NOT pull all-nighters
I've only pulled 2 complete all-nighters in my life, and one of them was in high-school. All-nighters are extremely counterproductive to learning and getting work done, because you become extremely tired the next day and can't focus, and it becomes a vicious cycle. With that said, I pull half-all-nighters (till 3ish am) daily to finish my work.

4. Aim for >6 sleep every day
This does not have to be a continuous block of sleep. I usually get 4-5 hours of sleep per night, and I make up the rest with naps during the day. I always nap 1-3 times a day, 1-2 hrs each time. Usually, whenever I feel extremely tired while doing work, I take a nap...because my work effectiveness essentially drops to zero during this time anyways. I never nap less than 30 minutes, and I try not to nap more than 2 hours.

5. Prioritize homework order wisely
On weekends, when I know I'll procrastinate on whatever homework I am doing because I still have 3-4 days before the earliest one is due, I'll deliberately start working on the LAST homework first. I know I'll finish the first homework on the day before it's due regardless of whether I work on it beforehand or not, so by doing the last one first, I actually maximize my productivity during the week when things pop out of nowhere and threaten to overwhelm me.

6. Aim for large productive chunks of time
I isolate myself from all contact every single day for many hours at a time. With my headphones cycling through the youtube playlists I made myself, I shut the world out and focus on my work. Do NOT sit next to someone you know...I did so today and my work productivity was extremely poor. Techno, Radiohead, and Coldplay make great study music. If I have less than 1 hour of time to work continuously on stuff, I don't bother pulling out homework sets or lab reports - the hour is better spent on organizational stuff like emails or organizational duties. To achieve max productivity, you need to get into the "groove".

7. Do work in public spaces
At a public space like the computer labs, I become less inclined to check facebook, watch youtube videos, etc., because I don't really want other people to see my non-productiveness (I tend to get annoyed at non-productive people in computer labs because they take up computer space that more productive people could be using). So I concentrate extremely well in the computer labs...and that's where you'll find me, 4th floor of EH every single night, grinding away. I find this to be extremely powerful when combined with #6.

8. Make yourself comfortable wherever you're working
I take off my shoes, recline my seat as far back as possible, put on my comfy headphones, sip on my iced coffee, and generally retreat into my own cocoon when I work. Find what you need to work efficiently, and make sure it is there. Find a productive place to work, and stick with it.

9. Recognize that academic success (aka. good grades) require a lot of time
There's no secret shortcut to it. I don't think there's a single class that I'm taking which gives homeworks that take me less than 3 hours to finish. I usually camp at the computer lab for at least 6 hours every weeknight, and sometimes the number increases to 9 or 10. Which is why #8 is important.

10. Blow off steam at least once a week
Do something fun. Life will seem more bearable that way. Go party, get wasted, go work out, whatever makes you happy. The only thing I recommend against is computer games...don't do anything game that is related to a computer, because it quickly turns into an obsession (aka. time drain).

Next post: how to live a healthy life. =)

-FCDH

I Hate...

I hate the fact,

that you cracked my shield and saw me vulnerable,

that I dropped my defenses and became complacent,

that I have doubts about myself and my values,

that I know nothing will probably ever happen between us.

that I am forced to rebuild my defenses and self-discipline.

that I don't understand you,

and that I don't understand myself anymore.

But most of all,

I hate the fact that I am losing the battle.

-FCDH

A Glimpse of the Future of US Democracy?

In the US, no matter our political leanings, the major parties have always held that democracy is what keeps the US running as it should. There are always grumblings of "leftist Democratic liberals" and "brainless Republican rednecks", but our democracy seems to have prevailed so far, somehow (though this is also an arguable point). However, as the Republican party continues to shift to the radical right and some Democrats begin to compensate by shifting to the left, can what's left of bipartisanship remain for much longer?

Let's take a look at Thailand, a country in a similar political situation as ours. Two major parties, the People's Power Party and the Democrat Party. A polarized population, between support for PPP in the rural areas and support for DP in the urban areas around Bangkok. A populist leader, Thaksin Shinawatra, who made life better for rural populations but was widely believed to have engaged in corruption activities.

First came the riots in 2008 by the People's Alliance for Democracy. The PAD (or the "yellow shirts"), based upon urbanites who were against the PPP and determined to bring it down, occupied Bangkok and shut down the city for an entire month. My dad was there, and he witnessed the whole thing - the city was dysfunctional, services were cut, and nothing was working. Tourism collapsed, tourists were trapped as Bangkok's international airport was occupied, and it was estimated that Thailand lost $4 billion in tourism revenue during the single month. Eventually, the PAD won their victory - the government was dissolved, an election was held, and the PPP lost. Democracy prevailed...or did it?

Enter 2009 protests. Supporters of the PPP, or "Red shirts", congregated in Bangkok from all over the country. Determined to bring down what they perceived as an illegitimate government that was raised from the ashes of a PAD coup d'etat, they again occupied Bangkok. Again, services cut, shops closed, untold dollars of lost revenue from tourism not to mention unmeasurable and perhaps irreversible damage to Thailand's reputation for stability. All oddly familiar to the events from only a year ago. But the biggest question is - where had the principles of democracy gone, and what is this system that had replaced it in Thailand?

Many Americans could look at this and say - "oh, that's the principles of democracy at work. Protests? Yeah, they're sticking it to the man - rights of free speech, blah blah." We associate protests or unrests with something that is inherently wrong with the system. Civil rights protests (desegregation), Tiananmen Square (anti-Communism), Tibet (anti-repression). I could go on, but I probably don't need to.

What happens though, when two democratic political parties have so polarized the political spectrum, that neither one could accept the other? We should take the unrest in Thailand with a grain of salt and an open eye...Tea Partiers, anyone? Death threats to politicians who voted for the health care bill?

The US is in many ways different from Thailand. We are decentralized, so that the blockade of a single city can not bring down our economy. We have better security forces to deal with unrest issues. Our two parties are not yet so polarized as to incite violence in common folk. But we should note the current trends of radicalization of the Republican party, and with it, the Democratic Party. It does not take a huge leap of extrapolation to link our current state to that of Thailand's current state, and it certainly does not take a huge leap to imagine a civil war that could result from the unrest in Thailand.

I hate to use the phrase "for the common good", because it has an extremely Communist implication - but when will American politicians and political parties begin thinking and acting for the common good of the people??

-FCDH

Bombs Away

So I finally dropped the bombshell on my parents and sister on Thursday. The results, surprisingly, were better than I expected - I didn't get disowned from the family, after all.

With that said, my dad's completely in denial. He's so far in denial, that I don't think he'll ever accept it. My mom seems to be in hopeful denial, meaning she might be accepting of it but she still thinks it may work out with a girl. My sister is the most supportive one - she's trying to calm my parents down and prevent any abuse incidents.

That's what I am most afraid of... my dad blaming my mom for "raising me into a gay person", and hitting her. It's one of the reasons I was afraid to tell them, but now that I have I really hope neither of them will do anything rash or stupid.

The night after I told them, JW came over to my apt to pre-game before we went out to the bars. An email came in from my mom and I read it...it was talking about how she stayed strong throughout my life despite all the abuse from my dad, and how she's so sorry that she's failed me in her upraising. I ended up crying on JW's shoulder for a while after that. I couldn't help myself - I felt so bad for my mom. She's gone through so much pain in life on my account, and I've probably failed both my parents as a son, in their eyes. I can't imagine their devastation right now.

I keep replaying the scene in my head. What would have happened had I not told them?

I feel like I deserve to go to hell for this...why is life so complicated?

-FCDH

Time to Come Clean with Parents...

I'm pretty sure I want to come clean with my parents about my sexuality soon. It's been 9 years of lies, and I think it's about time it has to end. I can't continue leading my parents on thinking that I will eventually find a girl and settle down...because I'm almost completely certain that it will not happen.

Before this year, the biggest obstacle that I saw myself facing was that they would cut off my financing for my tuition. However, with all of the scholarships and awards that I've gotten in these two years, my bank account should be able to handle the rest of my semesters here at the university even if they do cut off everything. Now, the only thing holding me back is fear. But I love life too much to be living in fear.

After I tell them that I'm gay, I anticipate one of three immediate things:
1) surprise followed by acceptance
2) surprise followed by disgust
3) surprise followed by denial

I'll tell them in an email...that way they have a chance to calm down before they respond to the message. I realize that there's a chance that this may lead to the severance of my family as it is... but do I really have a choice?

It will eventually need to happen. I'm going to do it sooner rather than later.

No regrets in life. No looking back. No more hiding.

I am the person I am.

-FCDH

Step Backwards

I've been uber busy for the past 3 weeks, so there has been no blog posts. I don't even really know what I was busy with...I just didn't really have time to do anything.

I'm currently in day 5 of my trip to Colorado, for the EWB conference and for the fun-filled trip with Lauren. We spent 3 days in Denver for the conference, I spent yesterday hanging out with Lauren at Boulder, and I spent today with the EWB crew at Breck. It's been fun, albeit the after-skiing part is somewhat dull (everyone else except for me has been napping for the past 4 hours, since 6pm...I think they may just sleep through the entire night until the morning).

The trip's been fun so far, but somehow something doesn't feel right with me. In a short span of several days life seems to be losing its purpose again. I think it may have been the dismissive attitude that people treated me at the conference, especially when they found out that I don't currently work on any projects or have been on a trip abroad - ergo the belief that I haven't accomplished anything. Which I hope is not true.

I can't help but feel that they have a point though. I talk and rave about EWB - but I feel like I haven't really done anything for anyone. The only thing I put ahead of EWB was academics, but listening to all of the different people talk about what their chapters have done really makes me feel somewhat ashamed - the fact that I could have devoted more time and effort into making EWB better instead of focusing on my own selfish interests.

Why do I do the things I do? There was a time when I felt like I knew what motivated me and what drove me, and now it's disintegrating. The things that motivated me were knowledge, sustainability, and EWB - and now, I'm barely keeping up with the academic homework let alone going the extra mile to fully understand the material, I've been missing the SSC meetings because of lecture and I may not get to serve on it next year, and EWB seems to be drifting away from me.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like such a scam, getting praised by people for "all the things I do" and yet feeling like I've moved nowhere in life. I've always wanted to make a difference in the world, and to make it a better place. I try to surround myself with people who are helpfully critical of things that I do, in order to try and make myself a better person. But sometimes I feel like there's only so much I can take - to have people question the necessity of sustainability, the un-importance of organizational administrative work, or the uselessness of the knowledge you learn in college classes - before I begin to revise the things that I've dedicated myself to. And I feel like this is one of those points.

Perhaps tomorrow will be better. But for right now, I don't really know my beliefs, and I don't really care.

-FCDH