New Pair of Shoes?

Hi Readers,

First, just a clarification - I am not depressed, nor was the point of my last post to show depression.

Instead, the point of it was to give a first-person perspective of all the years in my life that I spent hiding myself. I'm sure we all have felt these moments before, but to feel it day in and day out - it really takes a toll on you. I still can't really quantify the psychological impact that this has probably had on my childhood and teenage years, nor would I want to. The road of what-ifs is a slippery one to tread on, and in any case it is now too late for it.

I want to use this post to encourage any readers who may be in similar situations to reflect on their own situations. Think about what is important, and whether or not you are willing to risk your psychological well-being on hiding. I am not making a broad general statement for every closeted person to come out. Instead, think carefully about what you will gain, and what you will lose, by doing so.

For me, what I gained was the ability to face society head-on. To admit it to yourself is the first step, and to admit it to others is the second. Not that there isn't any discomfort there - there certainly is. It is still a somewhat taboo issue, but it's an issue that will not be going away anytime soon. To be able to face society, and yourself as well, is to show that you realize that the reality is the reality. It's a harsh reality, but then nobody said life is fair.

With that being said, I still have my moments of doubt. About myself, and how the rest of my life will play out. Straight people will often offer encouragements, but from my perspective, it's like the US patting Aung San Suu Kyi on the head and saying, "oh yeah, Burma's going to get democracy one day."

But when is that day? Will it ever come? That's the million dollar question. For the subset of society that must still live, saddled with this weight on our heads and chests, the only thing we can do is hope. It is like seeing a few rays of the sun shining on the horizon...we can only hope that it is the dawn of something special, and not the dusk.

-FCDH