Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Emotions. Show all posts

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Emotional Souvenirs

Hi Readers,

I will start off by saying that I love to travel. Whenever I am trapped in an environment for a long time, I just want to leave and find a new place to be, people to meet, and things to discover. But I often find this a dangerous game to play for one's long term mental well being. Let me explain.

People always think other people live better lives than they themselves do. I do all the time as well. Usually when I feel this, it is a feeling which quickly passes, because everyone around me had the same value system as I do. When that is the case, it is easy to reason out why I am living life the way I do.

But when you are traveling, this assumption of equal value system gets thrown out the door. You meet people who have been traveling for years non-stop; people who have given up on jobs, families, or even the idea of a home; people who I would normally call 'directionless in life'. But these people are happy, and they are really living the life. Especially as a person who espouses the desire to experience new experiences, I can't really fault their point of view. In fact, it is during times like this that I begin to wonder if maybe one day I will end up like them.

I met a person the other day in Nairobi called WH. He had quit his job a year ago and traveled around the world non stop for a year and a half now. He let me read some of his journals, and I was shocked and fascinated to find that we both believe in pretty much the same beliefs when it comes to experiences. He believed that, when it comes down to it, we must take action of our own life instead of just talking about it, which I wholeheartedly agree with. To hear about his experiences around the world was amazing. He even spent time in Taiwan!

After he and his friend left to go climb the 3 big mountains of East Africa, I sat there at the hostel in a semi stupor, just thinking about my own life and where it is heading. Nobody has definitive answers to these types of questions, but traveling tends to clear up my mind as well as confuse me even more at the same time. It is quite a paradox. As he said to me, when you are traveling,  you tend to hit bigger highs, but you also crash into deeper lows too. Along with the physical souvenirs that you buy, you also collect emotional souvenirs as you go.

If life is a roller coaster, then traveling is like an amusement park full of roller coasters (maybe Cedar Point or Six Flags?). During this journey, I have often felt like I am living someone else's life. It really makes you question all that you have taken for granted or dismissed about life. But that is perhaps the most significant and lasting impact that can result from travels. Which is why I will continue to travel for the rest of my life.

Cheers,
FCDH

Friday, March 23, 2012

Le Sigh

Hi Readers,

I just kinda had a fight with my boyfriend and now I feel awful about it. Absolutely awful. I wonder how he puts up with me and my stupid antics. I didn't even give him a chance... I was just throwing out my arguments, and not listening to him at all. 

Ever had that feeling when you know "oh crap, I took it one step too far?" Well, it happened to me today. I didn't realize how much of a jerk I was until afterward. I wish I could take it back...I just want to hold him in my arms right now, and tell him how sorry I am to make such a big deal out of nothing. 

The worst part is, he's been joking recently that he didn't realize that I was so mean when he first met me. Now I'm starting to wonder - are they jokes?

I'm remembering some of the horrible things that I've done in the past to different people. 

Maybe inherently I am a bad person. Why did I keep on pressing my argument, even after he has apologized over and over again, and has taken all of the blame on himself? 

I am starting to see some traces of my dad in me. My blood runs cold at the thought. Maybe genetics cannot be averted after all. 

I will have to watch myself more carefully in the future, to make sure I don't just lash out at the people I care about the most. How could I let this happen? 

-FCDH

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Twisted

Hi Readers,

I feel like there is a giant weight above my head, ready to drop and crush me.

I am torn between two desires, and I don't know what to do.

I want to freeze time, and savor what I have without having to worry about the future.

I want to bury my head in my arms and scream in frustration.

My insides are twisted with uncertainty.

Tears.

Stress.

I want to run away from all that plagues me.

One thing at a time.

Quals.

Pull yourself together.

Relationships.

This is not a time to be weak.

Life.

-FCDH

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Speed Bumps

Hi Readers,

I feel like I need to write this post to remind myself how to be happy by myself. Being in a relationship, I'm becoming too complacent about my own personal happiness, more specifically the source of my happiness. I must remember how to derive happiness from other places and other activities than just from him. Life passes at an unyielding pace. I've become so used to going at a breakneck speed through life, that being in a relationship is throwing my sense of happiness all off-kilter. I must come to realize that other people travel at different speeds through life.

In the past 2 months, I have come to find that the road through this relationship is littered with speed bumps. Like the stereotypical bad Asian driver, I lack hindsight, and believe that the last speed bump I passed through will be the last. Naturally I get frustrated with all of the speed bumps, because it necessitates a repeated process of acceleration and sudden braking as the speed bump comes into view. At the current moment, I find myself in a state of mind where happiness is only garnered when one has reached the destination point. I find myself constantly frustrated with the speed bumps, not because they are there, but because I keep putting the expectation into my mind that I'll be able to speed, and keep having that expectation broken over and over again.

I have forgotten what I used to do when I didn't have a car. I used to walk or bike, and enjoy taking time out to smell the roses or to appreciate the scenery. I would explore paths through the forest on a whim, and enjoy the journey itself as well as upon reaching the destination. The world is still full of unexplored wonders. But now, all I do is wait around for the next time I'll get to see him? On average, I shouldn't be feeling less happy than I did before I was in the relationship. It is a paradox.

I love being with him. It's simple, easy, and I can find happiness with a phone call and a short drive. But I must stop myself from turning into this domesticated animal, dependent on others for my own happiness. Since he has put up his speed bumps, I must somehow learn to put up my own speed bumps, to prevent myself from being disappointed. More than that, I need to remove the destination from view, in order to stop my expectations from hitting a brick wall over and over again.

Let me turn off the GPS system and go for a joyride. Destination unknown.

-FCDH

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

An Autumn Blossom

Hi Readers,

Here's a short poem to reflect on my recent relationship. It's only been a month but I find myself falling for him - hard. This feeling is something I can't control. I've never felt it before. I won't lie - but I'm scared shitless. And excited. Exalted. And a billion other things at the same time. Let this poem represent it.

---
An Autumn Blossom

Has it only been three months
Since I felt as Lewis and Clark must have
As I began conquering the West
Absorbing new sensations
Building them into my soul

How could I have seen
Your warm embrace
Those piercing eyes 
From which I cannot escape
Infected by that smile

Now that I have been drawn
Inextricably as if by the Siren's call
Neither work or anything else
Feel complete without you
The cure for my daydreams

I don't know what to do
My walls have come down
Am I just naive to believe
That you may be the one?
Is this the path everyone must walk?

Even if it is a fleeting blossom
May this snapshot preserve its state
So when I look at it in the depths of winter
I will remember treasured times
When I felt truly complete.

-FCDH
11/23/2011

Monday, October 17, 2011

My Father the Alien

In the same way that my dad has never understood me and never gotten to know me, I found out yesterday that I have no idea who he is.

If he actually goes through with the plan without my mother's approval and acceptance, I will personally pay for the divorce proceedings and move her to America.

Dear sister, please keep a close eye on mom for any signs of suicidal thoughts. I'm counting on you. Please be her beacon of light through this time of darkness, as I cannot physically be there for her.

Dear mother, please think about everything you have on this world before you make any rash decisions. I will never forgive dad if you do.

Why oh why must things be so complicated? Why is it that those I love the most are the ones hurt by my decisions? By something that I can't even control?

Dear father, what happened to the man my mother fell in love with? I wish you would set your priorities straight and look at the extremely fragile ties you have left in this world. Please stop being blinded by the irrational rage and come to your senses.

I'm so fucking ashamed of my dad for even considering it. I cannot believe we are related in any way.

If you are reading this post please do not ask me about it or even bring it up. I am serious.

I need to believe this story can have a happy ending. Life is so fucked up otherwise. 

I need to believe that I didn't fuck up the entire family.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Leaving Illinois

Hi Readers,

First, a short update. Before my internship started, when I was deciding on when I should end my internship at NI, the internship coordinator gave me several choices of dates. Because of the whole visa issue that international students have to face, I guess there was some misunderstandings between me and the internship coordinator on the end date. I understood it to be that I was ending my internship on Aug 26th, while she thought I was leaving on September 9th. So I got a pleasant surprise the day before my internship was supposed to end. My supervisor said, "um, according to HR, you're not supposed to leave for another 2 weeks." HR offered me the choice of leaving now or on Sept 9th, and I decided to stay a little later in Austin to work a little more. As Stanford starts in mid-September, I didn't see a harm in doing that.

I had originally planned for this weekend to be my moving weekend, from Illinois to California. However, as I didn't have enough time to change around my flights, I settled for buying 2 extra tickets in order to fly back to Austin after I move my stuff into San Francisco. My itinerary was extremely packed, and essentially I only had 20 hours in Champaign to do everything that I needed to do. This included consolidating all my luggage, some of which were scattered around with several people. I also had to meet up with so many people that I couldn't manage to meet them all, which was a shame.

I was so worried about all the luggages that I had. I managed to pack all of my worldly possessions into three suitcases, and three carry-on luggages. But I was so stressed about getting all the luggages on the plane. Even though I had brought 5 suitcases with me when I first moved to Illinois, we had three people at the time, and the suitcases were nowhere near the weight they are now. This time, the three suitcases weighed 60, 70, and 80 lbs, respectively. But thank god I chose to fly Virgin America. I don't think I could have found a cheaper alternative to get my 5 luggages across the US. The extra baggage fees that I was charged came out to a grand total of $175, and this was for 5 checked luggages, with 3 of them being over the weight limit. Of course, this was only possible thanks to the help of Virgin America and their friendly staff. Their great service and flight amenities are incredible; I have never taken a domestic flight as good as the VA flight I am currently on.

It is still so weird to consider that I am leaving Champaign, most likely forever. All the good friends that I made in the last 4 years will all be so far away now. Sure, I'll be able to talk to them over Gchat or Skype, but it just won't be the same as the human physical interaction. The same will happen to the friends that I made in Austin this summer. Yet it still hasn't really hit me yet, not really. I feel like it will just be a short time until I can see them again. Somehow, the large distance that separates us doesn't seem that large anymore.

Perhaps I am finally maturing enough to accept the fact that life comes with change, and that we cannot fight it. We should embrace the change, and look forward to those moments where we'll be able to reunite with those that we have lost touch with. Though sometimes it will be sad to think about the past, it should always be exciting to start laying down roots in a new place, and to explore even more what life can offer us.

-FCDH

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Saying Goodbye

In a blink of the eye
As if it was a shadow of imagination
Flashing across the corner of our eyes
Goodbye to our world

One hundred and twenty million seconds
Thirty five thousand hours
One thousand four hundred days
Goodbye to four years

Laughter echoing from the ether
Tears all untouched and pristine
Hugs have become phantom memories
Goodbye to my friends

The familiar beyond miles of fog
Lost with only a flashlight
Without a blazed trail
Goodbye to my compass

I once thought I knew it all
But now I finally realized
Knowing is not a substitute for living
And so I said

Goodbye

I will love you

Forever.

-FCDH
06/12/2011

Friday, June 3, 2011

The Glass is Always Half Full

Hi Readers,

This is just a quick post to remind everyone (and myself) about the importance of looking at life optimistically. It is so easy to slip into a rut or depression, and to sulk for months, or maybe years. In the meantime, life is just soaring by , oblivious to your problems.

From my own experiences in high school and early in college, I found that I always looked at life pessimistically. Situations that were not (really) that bad were always blown out of proportion. Even my homosexuality, which I regard as my biggest "issue", is not really an issue when we compare it to the global absolute. It took me so long to learn how to deal with it, and the key is to see that LIFE IS NOT FAIR. Once I embraced this fact, it wasn't a far stretch to see how good I have it in life.

So what if I am gay and may never be accepted by my family? At least I don't have hemophilia, or Alzheimer's, or schizophrenia. I have all my limbs, I'm not an amputee, or paraplegic, or suffer from Down's syndrome. I'm in college; I don't have to work day and night to pay off loans or to support my family, I don't have a drug addiction that I must pay off, and I don't need to worry about extortion or blackmail by anybody. I'm not an orphan; I have a family that cares about me and provides for me, even though they may never accept my homosexuality.

My five senses are still working, I can feel, smell, taste, touch, and see. My friends are here for me, I am not alone. I am never alone. Look at the squirrel, rabbits, and the fluffy clouds. Hear the water lapping at the edges of (somewhat disgusting) Boneyard Creek. Taste the ice-cold delicious water coming from the water fountain. Feel the wind brush by you as it continues on its nonstop journey around the world. Doesn't it make you feel so minuscule? We are such a small part of a bigger whole. How dare we feel self-important, as if we really mattered in this world? The most we can do is try, to make a difference in something we care about, or in somebody's life. And that is a quest that has no beginning and no end, but through it, our souls will live and love forever.

Embrace life. Do you see how wonderful everything is? How can we be justified in decrying our own situations when there are so many people who live life courageously, despite having incurable diseases and afflictions? Sure, there are days when we will be down and cursing at God for these problems. But sooner or later, we need to raise our heads, smell the roses, and see all the good things in life. And thank God for letting us be here to experience it. To live life as it was meant to be lived: with passion and determination.

-FCDH

Friday, April 8, 2011

Silent Support for a Friend

Dear Friend,

I will not disclose your name, even your initials, in order to respect your privacy. Let our midnight chat, during which you spilled your deepest secrets to the two of us, be the only inkling of who you are. I am sure you will read this, and I am sure you will know that I am talking about you.

Your story, and everything you said that night, touched my heart to the very core. Words literally cannot describe how I felt, and how I still feel. I never thought I would meet someone as strong as you are. Even just listening to your story, I had to stop myself from crying right there, because I was afraid it would make all three of us cry. I wanted to take you in my arms and to hug you tightly. To let you know that you would always have people that love you in the world. To tell you that I love you dearly as a friend, and that you can always count on me to be there for you.

The issues you are facing are not insurmountable. You are a strong person, and I am sure that you will be able to work it all out. To work out how you feel, which path to take, what your values are, and where you will go in life. Most importantly, to work out who you are.

It will not be an easy journey. But life is an important journey for all of us, whether we must walk on hot coals or shards of glass for part of the way. I don't want you to ever seriously consider death as an option again. You are much too important for the world to lose, for all your friends to lose. It gives me shivers to think that you came so close in the past, and that we could have lost you before we ever knew you.

Whenever you are feeling down, remember that I am thinking of you, wherever we both are. Let's both put our pasts behind us and try to live bravely for the future. Friends forever. Deal?

-FCDH

Friday, November 5, 2010

Alone In the Dark

Hi Readers,

Smiling is an amazing action. When we smile, somehow we feel happy. The muscles must be linked to the emotion for happiness. Want artificial happiness? Just smile a smile. It's healthy for the heart, mind, and soul. It's healthy for the individual, the masses, and the society.

Even if it ends at the mouth. The cold resentment encroaches upon its territory, but the flame holds. They recoil back and await, at the edge of the circle of light. Feeding off one another's energy. The soul glares in disapproval, the mind yearns to reveal its secrets, and the eyes hold daggers at the ready. Smile! It will make everything better. If only for a moment. Disappear now. The pieces fall into place.

It's so hard to smile a smile that hides it all.

Curl those lips into a humorless smile. While the eyes remain dull, having lost their vitality. While the pain stabs you in the heart. While the effort of holding back the burning sensation at your eyes makes you want to rip all your hair out. While you just want to smash the table to pieces. Rip every shred of paper. Burn everything in sight. Scream into the vacuum. Cry. Lament. Wallow.

While nary a ripple through the sands of time emanates outward from you. Has anyone noticed anything? Swallow it all. Mask everything. Smooth your voice. Clamp the filter back on.

Everything's ok. A mere pawn. Another day, in the sadistic game of life. The movement descends back into the underground. An unspoken threat of revolt hangs in the air.

-FCDH

Monday, June 21, 2010

An Incomplete Requiem

Today morning, I found out about a tragedy. One of my friends, who was also one of my biggest role models that I looked up to, died this past weekend. The cause of death is still unknown as of yet...but that doesn't change how I feel about the loss. I feel as if the world has been robbed of all the talents and skills that she possessed, and all her friends robbed of her companionship.

She was a metaphorical giant amongst other overachievers. One of the legendary originals of Engineers Without Borders...one of the most renown, most feared, and most respected. Her name was always spoken with a certain reverence. In her presence, you knew you were in the presence of someone who could get things done, who had the foresight of a leader, and who has seen success numerous times.

At the same time, she was caring about those around her. For those who wanted advice, she gave it. For those who wanted a helping hand, she offered it. For those who wanted to make a difference, she made sure that they did not quit, and offered encouragement for their success.

You were one of my biggest role models. You were an untouchable in my mind...I strived so hard to live up to the potential of the foundations that you and others laid for Engineers Without Borders. Even now I am not sure I have succeeded, but you were always at the back of my mind, urging me forward, not to quit. In my mind, you could do no wrong.

But your invincibility was shattered in my mind today. Why?? Why did this have to happen?? There was so much more that you could have done, so much more you could have taught, so much more you could have experienced...there was such a bright future ahead for you.

So much died with you. Even now, I still cannot comprehend the magnitude of the loss that we are all suffering from your passing. I can still see your face in my mind...you chuckling at my disillusionment of EWB... you idly asking about my day when we pass on the street... your humorous conversations during the EWB bar crawl...

Did you hear my whispers to you today as I rode past the idyllic rice paddies? Wherever you are...I have faith that you will be able to make as much difference there as you have in this life. I cannot stop the tears from coming to my eyes right now, but I will try to be happy for you, wherever you are. Your spirit will live on in us forever.

Like a luminescent bubble soaring upwards in the breeze, let the brilliance of your soul and spirit shimmer on forever...always visible in our minds and our hearts.

Until we meet again, my friend.

Rest In Peace.

-FCDH

Monday, June 7, 2010

Le Bibliotheque

Such majestic balls of light
Floating in mid-air
Hanging over a drop
Over a hardened heart
Over a lonely arbiter

A matrix of spikes
Overwhelming the senses
Advancing towards me
Metal bars stand in the way
Sullenly doing their duty

Stare blankly at them I did
Our Lady Peace in my ear I heard
Decades of history around me I saw
Sterility in the air I smelled
Blankness in my heart I felt

Why are we trapped by what we know?
A Priori is imprisoning me
My heart does not settle
My dreams are haunted property
My soul is twisted tightly

I told the bird to take flight
And take flight it did
But its wings grow tired by the day
And mockingbirds stream past
All flying in the other way

As I saw the Lotus settle
Everything returned to normal
Just another hallucination
Of a perfectly lucid mind
Polluted by the fumes of fear

Without a backwards glance
I spread my wings
And take to the air again
Looking for tomorrow's salvation
In the ashes of today

-FCDH
06/07/2010

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I Hate...

I hate the fact,

that you cracked my shield and saw me vulnerable,
that I dropped my defenses and became complacent,
that I have doubts about myself and my values,
that I know nothing will probably ever happen between us.
that I am forced to rebuild my defenses and self-discipline.
that I don't understand you,
and that I don't understand myself anymore.

But most of all,

I hate the fact that I am losing the battle.

-FCDH

Friday, February 12, 2010

Memories of Chinese New Years

The Chinese New Years is the quintessential Chinese experience. Especially as both my mom and dad's side of the family started off in the countryside as farmer's, I've probably had more fun out of this holiday than most people that I know.

Out of everything I can remember when I was small, I remember some things vividly. One of these is the Chinese New Years celebration at grandma's place in Changhua. Nostalgia.

--
I am shaken awake groggily by my sister, who grumpily tells me to get up and promptly leaves my room. She's not a morning person at all, but as she is extremely ticklish my dad always resorts to tickling her to wake her up. Which means she gets into a grumpy mood. Also means that I should watch her expressions carefully through the morning - don't want to annoy her even more.

My mom's already making breakfast for the family. It's soggy rice porridge, with fluffed pork and pickles and peanuts on the side. She usually goes all out in the mornings where something important will happen. Else she usually makes scrambled eggs.

Eat. Parents admonish me to pack my toothbrush. We walk outside our apartment into the still-dark night. Doesn't mean it's not humid - Taipei is eternally humid and hot, even at night. Dad's ridiculously old Geo is parked in the underground garage. We stuff our baggages in the trunk, and dad maneuvers it effortlessly out of the cramped spot and garage.

It is only 4am, but already there are loads of cars on the roads. I zone out and the Taipei City scenery flashes past me. The giant 10-lane boulevards, smaller streets, cramped alleys. Vendor carts are unmanned today - nobody will be manning them during Chinese New Years. We get onto the highway leaving Taipei, and I try to fall asleep in the car. Fortunately I succeed, and avoid having to deal with motion sickness in the car. Nothing ruins a long car ride than throwing up every 20 minutes.

I wake up and look at the clock. It's around 9am - we've been driving for close to 5 hours. "Where are we?" I ask, and was told that we have only reached about halfway to our destination. Traffic is beginning to back up all the way from Taichung City, and the car slows down to a run, then a jog, then a walk, then a crawl. I am relieved - no motion sickness any more - and fall asleep again.

It's noon, and we are weaving around the maze of countryside roads on our way to grandparent's house (grandparents from my dad's side) in the township of Huatan in Changhua County. I have never been able to understand how my dad remembers the way so accurately. I consider myself to be an expert in geography and directions, but even I cannot remember the twisting mazes of roads and alleys. Along the way, my dad brings up, for the umpteenth time, how my grandparents from my mom's side gave me a horrible name (Defensive and Punctual), and that they should have gone with the name given by my grandparents from my dad's side (Scholarly and Diligent).

Suddenly, we're there. A blue cast-iron gate, with crudely-shaped lion heads on either side. I get out and run to press the doorbell, and a loud clanging sound ensues at the push of the button. The gate opens with the screeching sound of metal on metal, courtesy of the rusting joints, and behold - it's one of my uncles. Which one is this again? I can never distinguish between my dad's 5 brothers.

We pull into the somewhat spacious courtyard, and the adults unload the luggages while the children run off to find cousins. My dad maneuvers the car to a corner of the courtyard, beside the stagnant pond - whose only conceivable purpose must have been to serve as mosquito breeding grounds.

The courtyard is surrounded on three sides by my grandparent's one-story dwelling. It is hard to describe the house - the architecture is just so different from Western style. Numerous doors lead into the courtyard, so one could simply walk from the courtyard into any location in the house. Of course, there are double-layered doors - one for locking, though this is rarely done in the countryside, and one with a mosquito net to ventilate the house while minimizing the threat of mosquitoes.

The rest of the day passes in a whir. The adult men are gathered around in the living room, having heated discussions of politics. Kuomintang Party vs. Democratic Progressive Party. My dad's brothers all have the same propensity for irrational arguments, so before long they are yelling at each other and not listening to each other's points at all. Then the women brings another round of tea, the discussion cools down, only to restart the cycle again. Adult women gather to make a austere but sumptuous-tasting feast. Lots of chopping sounds interspersed with gossip - whose kid got into Taichung First High.....yes my husband bought me the expensive dress from the luxury store...etc. Some of the teenage girls help with making sweet dumplings from scratch, making the dough and patiently wrapping each small ball of filling with some dough. The kids run around and play simple games - jump rope, biking around the farms nearby, climbing the tree in the courtyard, playing cards; somebody brought a connect-four. Sometimes we try to help with the dumpling making. The sisters let us help with a few, before shooing us away and re-folding the ones we folded badly. An euphoric mood.

The night begins to fall. Those who go out for exploration around the countryside begin to return with giant mosquito welts. An intense mosquito repellent application session ensues, and soon the entire courtyard smells headily like camphor tree oil. But the mosquitoes stay away. The teenagers begin to plan their firework/firecracker and drinks run to the store. As usual, kids can't go along - "why?... Because kids under 10 years old can't go...you can't just make up the rules!!...MOM!!...kids stop bickering and get us some water for the kitchen from the pump in the yard!"

Soon the dishes are arranged in the dining room. By this time almost all the relatives from my dad's side have arrived - 8 uncle-aunts, 21 cousins. We fill up our plates and head out to the courtyard, and sit on the ledge while we eat. Already, we can hear firecrackers and firework sounds coming from around. And soon after, the kids lay lethargically around the courtyard. Those who have the energy to get in groups begins to play games, while others just lay and looked at the bright stars overhead or chatted...armed, of course, with fly swatters.

In a while, the dumplings are ready, so we grab bowls and load up on the sesame and peanut-filled dumplings. They are absolutely delicious, but we are told - wait until everyone has had some before taking seconds. Teenagers begin to break open the fireworks and firecrackers, so we begin to have fun. Sparklers, roman candles, fountains, spinning shrieking tops, water whistles, and the quintessential rockets. For a while, nothing exists apart from the flashing lights and hissing sounds that emanate and reverberate from all around the courtyard. Even the adults come out and group together, watching the kids and teenagers have fun.

As midnight approaches, the adults begin cooking Age-noodles. These are unbroken strands of noodles, and superstition holds that the more you can eat without breaking the noodle, the longer your parents will live. The kids naturally try to best each other, so the courtyard fills with slurping noises. Around this time, the adults begin to hand out Red Packets, with money inside them, out to the kids and teenagers. The excitement of opening one, and seeing the money inside, is probably the best feeling in the world. Sometimes they only have 100 NTD ($4) inside, sometimes they have 500 NTD ($20), but it doesn't matter too much. Each gives to their own ability. Plans are rapidly drawn up with what the money will be used for - comic books, games, putting it into the bank, buying a basketball.

Midnight arrives. The largest and most brilliant firework is fired - the long string of firecrackers, and the mesmerizing popping and crackling announces the new year. The countryside fills with yells of "Xin Nian Kuai Le", or happy new year, and the remaining rockets are fired into the air. The highlight of the night is over. Superstition says, the longer you can stay awake on New Year's Eve before falling asleep, the longer your parents will live. Most of the kids make it until 1am, but beset by exhaustion of the day's activities, begin to turn in and pass out on the beds. By this time the adults have set up the individual mosquito nets on each bed, so kids don't have to worry too much about bites during the night. The adults have boiled large pots of water, so kids can now take quick baths with the rough soap and buckets, assuming they have not fallen asleep yet.

The last thought before I fall asleep - how could I have not managed to stay awake for longer so my parents will live a longer and healthier life?

And then, nothingness.

--

I returned to my grandparent's place last summer, for the first time in 12 years. It's been 9 years since they've both passed away. The landscape is alien - factories and workshops dominate the landscape where once farms stood. Yet as I stood outside the faded blue gate, I could not make myself open it. I didn't want to taint the innocence that, for me, still existed behind those gates. To contemplate everything that is forever out of my reach now apart from my memories.


Post-Script: I can't believe how nostalgic and emotional I am right now. I can close my eyes and visualize the entire scene playing out in front of my eyes. I haven't, and probably won't, experienced anything even remotely close to this ever again. How I so want to go back in time and experience it again.

-FCDH

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Reflections of pre-Sir FCDH

In the past week, I suppose I've reached what could be the zenith of my college career so far: being awarded with the Knight of St. Patrick award this year, which is coined as the "highest honor given by the College of Engineering". It definitely feels great to be recognized for all the work I've put into extracurricular activity, and I'm quite proud of the fact that there is at least one Knight who's gay and in Electrical Engineering this year! Whoo-hoo! =)

With that being said, I do feel like I need to step back and look at everything from the beginning of college until now, and write about what's gotten me to the place where I am now.

It feels impossible that only three years have passed since I first came to this campus, scared out of my wits. I'm so glad I did skydiving and debate my freshman year, these were the two experiences that I'll cherish the rest of my life. The thrill of jumping off a plane, and diving into an unknown world of affirmative and negative arguments and evidence. The former made me courageous and started me down the path of acceptance, while the latter made me more assertive and started me down the path of engagement. To the Fountain of Knowledge that is this amazing university, I attribute my curiosity and thirst for knowledge.

And there's Engineers Without Borders. I can't express my gratitude to myself for having taken the time to read that first email advocating for "EWB Board Positions!", and even more for actually applying and following through with the interview process. I can't believe how much EWB has changed me for the better. I've met so many great people in this organization, and developed myself so much through my leadership positions and responsibilities that I could feel myself turning into a new person. To my friends, I attribute my passion for life.

I'm proud of myself for all those hours that I spent in the libraries and computer labs, grinding out homework solutions and reviewing for tests by myself. People said it was "weird, illogical, stupid, haughty, etc etc" to not want to work in a group on homework...and I always shrugged and acceded. Self-discipline is something that I've always had...and I must attribute my academic success to my parents. Mom and Dad, if you ever read this, I love you dearly...and I hope you love me back too.

But there's still so much to do! When I look at others, there's so much that I have not yet accomplished, and so much I want to work on. So many role models to follow. I've gotta step up my game!

-FCDH

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Suspended Crystals

Today's one of those days when it seems that the disadvantages of life outweigh the advantages. When i just feel so pathetic that i want to run away from myself as fast as possible.

I want to dream again. They are slipping away from me, sooner and sooner. My dream diary sits incomplete on top of my bedside luggages. I see Chinese soldiers invading my apartment in Taiwan, as I hide behind the Buddha altar. I see rockslides burying Hope. It feels like a theatrical play. Can dreams be cynical as well?

The binary clothes lie on the ground. White and black. Black and white. Why do I now prefer such colors? I wonder. My love for colors in between have slipped away. Blue, I feel nothing for you. If I can clothe myself in dark enough clothes, perhaps I will disappear in the night, never to be seen again. Or perhaps clothe myself completely in whiteness, to disappear beneath a snowdrift. Or to be Asian. To sink into the unyielding wave of meaninglessness.

What do you hear when a tree falls in the forest and no one is around? Nothing - when no one is around the tree does not exist. When something is not being observed, is it there? Nothing is observing me right now - do I exist?

I cannot let go of the past. I wish I had amnesia. Perhaps I will be able to forget about my sexuality. Perhaps I'll forget about my friends. Perhaps I'll forget about my family. I'll be reborn in the Arctic and learn to speak the haunting Inuit language. Snow will be my air. Time will stop indefinitely.

Let me go, spirit. Why do you keep demanding things from me? Haven't I given enough?

Everything will be better in the morning.

-FCDH

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Life is so Gay

People always say that God does things in mysterious ways. But for me, and probably million of others like me in the US, I just have one question for Him: Why me? Why now? and Why this?

If you are reading this, here's a test of our friendship.

I'm gay. There, I've officially said it. Whew.

But why?? Why am I gay?

This question has haunted me for the longest time. For the past 9 years, in fact. It was so frustrating, to find answers for all the questions I've ever had, except this one. I hate its simplicity: 4 words, that can bring no answers, no respite, no comfort, no nothing. Only pain and grief.

I've been good at keeping my homosexuality hidden my whole life. I consider myself an expert in manipulating my outward emotions, the way I talk, the way I interact with people. It's definitely an artform, to silently walk among those who had no idea who you really are. To sound like you are genuine in your laugh at their joke about gay people, or to pretend like you agree with their views on how gay people are so weird and feminine. At the same time, feeling like a knife was slicing into your heart every time someone says something like that, knowing that one day comments like this will be aimed towards you.

But then, coming to college and finally finding hope! Independence from your suffocating family, from your old and dear friends, from everything that was familiar to you. A new start. A clean slate. But I was a coward, still unable to face reality, living in a delusional fantasy. Thank god for my friends, without you all I couldn't have made this journey. Even though you were all so shocked when I innocently slipped it into our conversations, the support and love I've gotten has been like nothing I've ever experienced. And this time, I know it's real love... it's for the person I am, not the person I'm pretending to be.

And now, I'm standing at the summit. I've completely accepted who I am, and my sexuality. I recognize that the future will be hard, especially with my conservative family. I don't know when it will happen, but I'm ready for it. I am...(can it be?)....secure in my sexuality. For everyone that helped me realize it, I thank you. I thank god every single day for surrounding me with such amazing people.

God. Now we've come around full circle. God, I know you've given me the challenge to test my strength. It took me a while to see it, but now I will rise to the challenge.

To ppl reading this: As I said, I'm secure in my sexuality. I know it 100%, so you could TRY to convince me otherwise, or to tell me how it's a sin in God's eyes...but I doubt you'd succeed. If you're feeling disgusted by this blog post, I suggest you unfriend me from facebook or quietly exit your way out of my life. I will be saddened, but that's just how the dice falls. Whatever happens, happens. Just remember, my hands are always outstretched to everyone, regardless of their beliefs.

PS: Good luck on exams, everyone.

-FCDH

Monday, December 7, 2009

Life and Death

I've wondered incessantly for awhile now, about the true worth of life, and about what life itself is worth to us. How do we judge how much life is worth? Almost more importantly, why do we strive to accomplish in life, when we know that we'll eventually meet each other on the other side anyways?

When you really think about death, and what it means, it's really not a scary thought. Death is simply the absence of life...when our senses fail us, when our cognitive abilities fail us, when our physical body leaves our control. People seem extremely shocked when I tell them that I've actually considered death as an option at one time or other. I don't really understand where this shock comes from...surely, there has to have been times when the disadvantages of life seem to outweigh the advantages so much, doesn't it?

The value of death, is that it frees you from having to deal with life. When ones value system has degraded to a point that death is the most highly valued option, then that's usually what happens. There was a time that family used to hold the highest position in my value system, whereas now it barely holds a position above that of death.

As I see it, life is about experiences and knowledge. The more there is to experience in life, the more things that lie between life and death. I'm constantly excited about what life offers, trying new things, learning new knowledge, and constantly pushing myself. Death is constantly creeping up on us, and the best thing to do before embracing death is to embrace all that life has to offer.

I've always seen death as eternal - a place where both perception and time do not exist. I don't believe in reincarnation, or heaven/hell, or any specified religious beliefs, for this reason. For me, we exist for one reason only: to experience all that we can. I realize that none of this may matter in death, but if death is eternal, then each moment spent in life is an eternity in death. So even though we all eventually end up at the same point in death, the route taken to reach the point is not the same. One person may spend an eternity longer in enjoyment of life than another person.

This sounds somewhat like selfish hedonism, and in a way it is. I do what I do, only because I love to do it, not for any external reasons. Life is too precious to do anything different. Through my bouts of depression, this is something that I've come to realize, and it is probably the most important thing about myself and about life that I will ever realize.

When you realize this too, you will understand exactly how one can change oneself, in order to benefit the most from life. I can remember a time when I used to be self-conscious, shy, and scared of trying new things. But now I've purged all those, for one and one reason only: to get the most out of life. And I'm still constantly seeking to weed out any remnants in me that may prohibit me from getting the most out of life, and to bring others into realization of this fact as well. Life is beautiful, and life is short. Life is too precious to be wasted. We must all change ourselves, the way we treat the world, the way we interact with people, in order to get the most out of our lives. There's so much potential that remains undiscovered.

I've lost too many opportunities in my youth already, but I won't waste anymore time regretting that. From now on, I will seize every opportunity that I can get to get what I want to get out of life. Love the world, love the people, but most importantly, love yourself and your life.

-FCDH

Monday, November 30, 2009

As Time Stood Still for Us

I wish I could see your face,
Just that one more time.
I brush at the misty screen,
But it fades away from sight.

Could you dismiss the light,
On our youthful adventures,
As stars and moons flew by,
As time stood still for us.

The white blinds me all around,
The blue languishes in my mind.
The red gravitates with potential,
The green radiates with life.

Where have all the years gone?
Like a raindrop in the forest.
The shelter has crumbled to dust,
As time stood still for us.

My train has arrived at its stop,
The platform glittering with paths.
I should have taken a backward glance,
But the untamed wilderness sprang forth.

The source of life's laughter and joy,
Spun around, completely delirious.
Prismatic layers of vitality,
As time stood still for us.

The links have broken apart,
But not of nature's essence,
I close my eyes and try to imagine,
The dubious innocence.

My spirit remains earthbound,
As yours take wing to the heavens.
Gliding about in obvious freedom,
As time stood still for us.

FCDH - 12/01/09
Dedicated to life and creation.
But most importantly, to everyone who makes life bearable.
Here's to the wonder that is life.
Cheers.