Suspended Crystals

Today's one of those days when it seems that the disadvantages of life outweigh the advantages. When i just feel so pathetic that i want to run away from myself as fast as possible.

I want to dream again. They are slipping away from me, sooner and sooner. My dream diary sits incomplete on top of my bedside luggages. I see Chinese soldiers invading my apartment in Taiwan, as I hide behind the Buddha altar. I see rockslides burying Hope. It feels like a theatrical play. Can dreams be cynical as well?

The binary clothes lie on the ground. White and black. Black and white. Why do I now prefer such colors? I wonder. My love for colors in between have slipped away. Blue, I feel nothing for you. If I can clothe myself in dark enough clothes, perhaps I will disappear in the night, never to be seen again. Or perhaps clothe myself completely in whiteness, to disappear beneath a snowdrift. Or to be Asian. To sink into the unyielding wave of meaninglessness.

What do you hear when a tree falls in the forest and no one is around? Nothing - when no one is around the tree does not exist. When something is not being observed, is it there? Nothing is observing me right now - do I exist?

I cannot let go of the past. I wish I had amnesia. Perhaps I will be able to forget about my sexuality. Perhaps I'll forget about my friends. Perhaps I'll forget about my family. I'll be reborn in the Arctic and learn to speak the haunting Inuit language. Snow will be my air. Time will stop indefinitely.

Let me go, spirit. Why do you keep demanding things from me? Haven't I given enough?

Everything will be better in the morning.

-FCDH