Merry Christmas 2010

Hi Readers,

Merry Christmas!! This winter, I have been having the best winter break out of all the winter breaks I've spent on campus. Apart from the day when I spent 7+ hours to clean up the apartment, I have been spending every single day with friends. Whether it was dinner parties or ice skating, I've been having so much fun! I did not expect to be so busy this winter, especially since last winter break was sooooooo boring.

Christmas Eve:

Ate an amazing Christmas eve dinner at JS's house. I was on route to try to get some Christmas shopping done (was a fail because I forgot all the stores closed early) when JS was alerted to my presence in CU by my facebook update. Oooo on a tangent - I fixed my broken water heater by myself (that was the facebook update). So proud! Anyways, JS and her dad picked me up, and we went to her house. Had an amazing dinner! Turkey + ham + other goodies. Then JS and I watched "How to Train your Dragon" - twice, with the commentaries turned on the second time. Then we successfully got a BAG OF CRAP from WOOT.COM!! SOOOO excited! I've never seen what was inside these bags, but we'll see. Capped off the night with an amazing load of leftovers. I love JS's family so much!

Christmas Day:

On Christmas day, KK invited me over to her house for gift exchange and dinner (again, since I was here last year too!). In the gift exchange, I gave KK's aunt an organizer, bird-watching binoculars, Taiwanese tea, and a pack of postcards from Tibet. In return, I got a bag of coffee (again!) and 2 mugs (again!). I was pleasantly surprised when I got essentially the same gift, despite choosing a random gift out of a pile. I had fun playing with all the dogs that were in the house. Love dogs! Dinner was amazing, and after dinner we ate some more desserts, before putting in a movie ("I Love You Man") and watching SNL afterward. It was such a great day.

I spent today shopping for gifts for my family. Got my mom a purse, my sister a hat, and my dad a mug that says "I Love You Dad" (or something similar to that). I'll have to find out how to ship it to Taiwan when I can.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to start running again. I've been slipping in my training, and I really really need to start! Marathon's in just 5 months, and I can still only run 8 out of the 26 miles. MUST TRAIN!! I found a running buddy on Craigslist - we'll see how that works out. Maybe a blog post on that later.

Anyways, so excited about the rest of winter break! Have a great break everyone!

-FCDH

On Sarah Palin's Success

Hi Readers,

I want to dedicate this blog post to Sarah Palin. I hate her guts and think that there should be a new level in hell created to house her, her oversized ego, and the hate that spews from her mouth. But despite all that, I have to give it to her - Palin is one shrewd and successful politician. From an absolutely objective viewpoint, without considering the message that she spreads or the initiatives she supports, Palin's rise from a relative political nobody to the national stage has been quite astonishing. Few politicians have been able to achieve what Palin has achieved, but here is a short non-comprehensive list of some of those who have: Hitler, Stalin, and Putin. Three figures that are hated in politics, but three of the most brilliant political geniuses that ever existed. In this blog post, I want to draw historical parallels between Palin and these political stalwarts.

Comparison with Putin

Vladimir Putin was plucked out of obscurity when he was appointed as Prime Minister by Boris Yeltsin, in a surprise move that caught Yeltsin's opponents by surprise and led to Putin's victory in the Presidential elections that were held after Yeltsin resigned as President. As the President, Putin mobilized the people with perceived injustices against Russia's oligarchies and the Communist bureaucrats that remained after the collapse of the Soviet Union. With the Chechnyan terrorists, Putin united the country against these rebels and crushed them. He re-ignited Russian national pride, and united the country behind his leadership.

Palin was plucked out of obscurity from her house in Wasilla by John McCain, and quickly ascended to stardom. Similarly, Like Putin, Palin quickly jumped on the opportunities that were offered to her, and quickly gained a base of support. She transformed from a nobody to a household name within months, held her ground against Joe Biden during the one debate they had (though this is debatable), and quickly developed a political strategy aimed at "small-town USA" and "non-elitists". This quickly polarized the Democrat and Republican bases, and initiated a drift towards political extremism which is still ongoing today.

The parallel would have continued had the McCain-Palin ticket won during the elections. Instead, Obama-Biden won, and Palin and McCain were relegated back to their posts of governor and senator. However, this wasn't the end of Palin.

Comparison with Hitler

Hitler rose to power through pure luck and democratic processes. After his appointment as Chancellor, he slowly began taking the elements of democracy away, one at a time. Nobody noticed, or perhaps nobody wanted to speak up, and Hitler managed to transform a democracy into a dictatorship within 5 years. One crucial element in Hitler's success was his use of propaganda. Goebbels, who was the Nazi's propaganda minister, was able to use propaganda to create fear, use the fear to manipulate citizens's thoughts and objections, with which Hitler could justify the removal of even more democracy. In a few short years, Germany had transformed into an anti-Semitic and populist country.

Palin, like Hitler, came to prominence through luck. But instead of fading away into the abyss, she somehow managed to mobilize BOTH the conservative and liberal medias to her cause. Without the usual political training of keeping quiet, Palin's big mouth drew much of the liberal media's firepower. Conservative media, outgunned by the resources available to liberal media, took it on themselves to advance Palin as much as possible. They don't actually care about Palin, but she is just a tool to distract the liberal media's fire away from the real issues. It worked wonders - liberal media nowadays blindly follow and shoot at Palin's comments, regardless of whether it was uttered from the Alaskan wilderness or a Republican fundraising dinner.

Therefore, Palin is really a tool, being used by both the parties involved. Conservative media has nothing to talk about - so they talk about Palin. Liberal media is so eager to refute these claims and comments that they throw the real issues out the window - continuations of the BP oil spill, Republican senator's efforts to block health benefits for 9/11 responders, or comments that are made by Republicans who were actually voted into office and can actually make decisions for the country. It is a scarily effective strategy. Palin's populist messages, and the liberal media's attempts to discredit her, have cemented populism in the minds of the conservative masses. The constant conservative bombardment of "right-wing radical extremist socialist etc etc" has also created fear in these conservative masses. Populism + fear + Republican politicians = ?

The American political landscape is looking more and more similar to that of Nazi Germany during the pre-war era. The main difference is that the liberal pushback to the conservative message has polarized the population, in order to keep a balance. Therefore, instead of a dictatorship moving more and more toward a radical position, we have alternating governments which flip-flop between extreme right wing and extreme left wing policies. An oscillation that seems to be increasingly in amplitude, if not for the successes in the lame-duck session in this past week.

Comparison with Stalin

Stalin's political genius mainly comes from his ability to eliminate his rivals. At Lenin's death, everybody expected Trotsky (the intellectual) to be the successor. Through shrewd accusations and political maneuvering, Stalin (the populist) managed to create a cult of personality around Lenin (Leninism) and himself (Stalinism). Using this populism, Stalin was able to use the power of masses to "cleanse" the political playing field, through his Great Purges. Until he was the last person left standing.

In November 2008, not many people thought that Palin actually stands a chance at being the 2012 Republican candidate. Sure, there were talks about it...but nobody took them seriously. Serious contenders were Romney, Huckabee, Gingrich, etc. But again, she used mass media to her advantage, to create a cult of personality around herself. I really don't want to call it a cult of personality, but that is really what it is - she even has her own reality show, in addition to being a regular on conservative news networks.

Today, she is considered a serious contender for the Republican 2012 presidential candidate. She drew Huckabee's support base away from him, and is more popular amongst Republicans than Romney (who's a Mormon) or Gingrich (who has remarried several times). In my opinion, there is a strong chance that she will win the Republican nomination.

Conclusion

But that's where my (faint) praise for Palin ends. If she clinches the Republican nomination, I don't believe she can win, unless the Democrats were to field someone ridiculously under-qualified. The biggest difference between Palin and Hitler/Stalin/Putin is that Palin's successes have all come from essential half of the country - the half that she has warped around herself in a populist strategy. The other half has been repulsed away from her, and with an approval rate at 30%, it doesn't say much for Palin's chances when subjected to an actual popular vote.

If Palin were to take a leaf from the books of the political geniuses of the old, she would either want to mobilize the masses against her Democratic opponents, which is close to impossible barring a Watergate-style occurrence, or she would need to unite the masses against an external threat (Hitler with Jews, Stalin with the anti-Leninists, Putin with the Chechnyans). Palin may have succeeded thus far as a tool of the Republican Party, but whether she can use this advantage to her own benefit in 2012 will ultimately determine her success and place in the history books as one of the shrewdest and luckiest politicians ever.

-FCDH

Fed Up with Parents

Hi Readers,

I feel like I need to post some conflicts I've been having with my family on here, so I can get it off my chest.

My relationship with my parents have slipped back into the fog. This summer, after the numerous conversations I had with my parents regarding my homosexuality, I was satisfied that they finally understood me, and more importantly - that they finally respected me. Not because I was gay, but because I finally became an adult, in that I was courageous enough to tell them that I cannot conform to their conservative ideals and live a lie. I thought I had finally gotten through to them, and maybe I did for a little bit, but I guess they would rather live a lie than to face the truth.

On a recent phone call, my parents asked me if I was too busy to make enough time for a girlfriend. At first, I thought it was a joke...but when the punchline didn't come, my heart sank like a stone and my head fell into my hands. I really thought that this summer was the turning point, but instead, the vision I had of my family since April had come tumbling down. I wanted to just punch something and scream. Scream that I was never going to get a girlfriend, that I was so tired of having the same arguments, that I wish I were normal so I would live up to their expectations, or that maybe if I committed suicide then they would accept the fact that I was gay. But I swallowed it all and said in a monotone voice, that I was too busy with schoolwork, and that academics was more important than girls. It sprang so easily to my lips, a lie I had perfected throughout my life. I could feel myself dying as I said it, a phrase I thought I had never needed to use again in my life.

I wonder if they could hear the death in my voice.

My parents gave birth to me and raised me for 18 years, and they provided every material necessity I have ever needed. I love them for everything they've given me, for not throwing me out onto the streets to become an orphan, and for putting in their time, their money, and their life to raise me. I know I have an eternal debt to repay to them, and I am gladly paying it.

But how could they do this to me?? I have been nothing but the best son during the all those years they raised me. I worked my butt off to make sure I fulfilled all of their expectations. I excelled in everything I did, not for myself, but so they would know their efforts were not wasted. I asked for so little in return, always trying to save money so my parents could start living their own lives when I became independent. I didn't ask for games, or clothes, or movies, or whatever else other kids asked for. I gave them everything I had in me, in the form of time and effort. But when it came to actually asking them for love and acceptance, something that the real me never got, they turned their backs.

They don't understand me at all. They don't respect me for who I am. They would rather willfully keep themselves blind than to accept me for who I am. It's getting harder and harder to see them as family. The gap between us is widening yet again, and I don't think I have the energy or willpower to close the gap any longer.

Whoever said that things get better was lying. Nothing gets better. Things just get left behind.

On the issue of my sexuality, I am leaving my parents behind me. They can choose to join me or watch me disappear into the distance. I just don't care anymore.

-FCDH

Life Update

Hi Readers,

Sorry I haven't given a life update in so long. This month has been horrendously busy, so I'm only starting to blog again now.

1. I found out that I lost my 4.0 GPA this semester, thanks to quantum physics. Kinda sucks, especially since I was so close...still no idea how I did so badly on the final. But I guess I'm lucky that it happened in my senior year rather than my freshman year. In a way, it is somewhat liberating to not have to worry about maintaining a 4.0. In another way, I'm extremely disappointed in myself for not living up to the expectations that I set for myself. It's not the end of the world, but it's the failure of one goal. Maybe unrealistic, but a goal nonetheless.

2. my laptop broke today. On the same day as the physics disaster. What a great day, right? I guess Windows 7 just had to make a mandatory update which just had to cripple my registry. Now I'll have to download the ISO and mount it onto an USB drive and see if I can boot up my computer and repair it. Fingers crossed.

3. my grad school apps are done - but there's a nagging unease inside of me that something bad is going to happen. It's the same unease that accompanied me in quantum physics, so I'm so afraid that I won't get into any other grad schools. Time will tell.

4. I feel like a loser for opting to stay in Champaign. It's my last winter, and my desire to do something is overwhelmed with my desire to save money. Is that reasonable of me? Am I being too thrifty?

Somehow, life hasn't gone the way I wanted this semester. I guess when I came out to my parents, I felt like nothing could get in my way any longer. I felt invincible and free. And now the honeymoon's over - all my uncertainties are crashing back around me. Ignorance is bliss...and now that it's gone, I kind of want it back.

FCDH

Politics is Useless

Hi Readers,

When I first made the foray into the field of politics and history in high school, I'd periodically run into people who would caution me against digging too heavily into politics. I was destined for disappointment, so they said. These people were almost always the politic gurus - the people who know every details about everything you could possibly ask about politics.

Over my observation of both US and international politics in my 4 years here, I've slowly began to come to the same conclusion. Politics is really a dead-end street for everyone except politicians. The more you dig into it, the more you are convinced about the unfairness of the world, and the absolute stupidity and selfishness that characterizes what was once public office held in high esteem.

Politics was supposed to be a post defined by rationalism for service to the constituents that the politicians represent. The more you look into politics, the more you see - it is filled solely with selfish pragmatic decisions for the politician themselves. Nobody is able to make hard decisions that need to be taken anymore. Instead, politicians bicker and fight with each other, slinging mud and sticks at each other, in a choreographed dance for the sole purpose of leaving the hard decisions out of decision-making. As the media brainwashes and dumbs down Americans, the politicians are increasingly able to hide behind the stupidity of their constituents, in the guise of "this is what my constituents believe".

Politicians are supposed to serve their constituents. This doesn't mean being a slave to constituents - this means doing what is best for them. Constituents don't have the time to meddle in the complex affairs of politics, which is why the task is left up to the elected politicians. The job of the politician is precisely to make decisions on behalf of the constituents who don't understand these details. Personally, I don't want small-town America making my decisions, because they don't understand the potential for long-term implications and problems that may arise. Yet this is increasingly an argument being turned to for politicians.

I can't care about politics anymore. It literally ruins your life, to always be up in arms saying "why is XXXXX so stupid? Can't they see this is a short term solution that will fail in the long term?!?!". This isn't to say that I won't continue following politics - it just means that the next time Palin's spewing shit about Obama or Congress passes another tax cut for the wealthy, I'll just shrug and say "meh". There's nothing I can do about it - yet.

-FCDH

The Non-Issue of Homosexuality

Hi Readers,

I have harbored some reservations against the gay community community on this campus, and I thought I'd share my thoughts on the issue. Since I now (kinda) belong to this community, I've started taking note of the different ways that gay people fit into the local community. My reservations really only apply to those who fit and propagate the "gay stereotype" - effeminate, fashionable, flamboyant, and hungry for sex with every guy that moves. For themselves personally, I think it's fine that they act the way they do. After all, it is their life, and they are free to act as they wish. But I feel like by propagating the gay stereotype, all they are doing is to make homosexuality even more distinct separate group in society. But do we really want to be a distinctly separate group? Do we really want our sexual orientation to be the only quality that defines who we are?

In my opinion, in order to make homosexuality a non-issue, we should be aiming to integrate ourselves seamlessly into the society (sans the dating opposite sex part), in order to show others that we are not that different after all. Because in my mind, we aren't that different. We aren't unique, nor are we special...we're as special as anyone and everyone who was born with a sexual orientation, whether straight or gay. Our lives are much more than what you see on "Queer as Folk" or "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" - it spans across the entire spectrum of society, into virtually every corner that is enjoyed by "regular" people. Our world doesn't just revolve around sex, hooking up, and fashion - we care about academics, our careers, the environment, and everything else. We can accomplish the same things, enjoy the same hobbies, have the same causes that we care about, as those who were born to like the opposite sex. My belief is that acceptance of gays will come when people can see past our inherent sexuality trait, and see instead our extrinsic accomplishments in life.

That's another reason why I'm proud of my accomplishments. The first step towards acceptance is respect - and there's no easier way to earn that than to have solid accomplishments that people can look up to. To those people who believe that gay people will never amount to anything in life, or that gay people are somehow inferior to straight people, I'd like to be a counterexample to their mistaken beliefs. I'd like to think that I'm doing my part in improving the perception of gay people, in a different manner than people who wear pink and participate in Gay Pride parades. All they are doing is raising awareness about the existence of gay people ; what we are doing is much more important: mitigating the prejudices against gay people. To those of us who are taking this route, I salute you all - we have a long way to go, many battles to fight, but we will be a vital component in the victory in the end.

-FCDH

Notes from Mother Nature

Hi Readers,

I recently just returned from a 3-day trip to the Ozark Mountains. Me and BR backpacked through the Bell Mountain Wilderness area, and the Ozark Trail. We traveled 42 miles in 3 days, which is a pretty nice pace for us. We camped for two nights...both nights were windy, but it rained very hard on the second night. Overall, the trip was characterized by fatigue and the difference in time perception. We had expected to run into some other people while hiking the trail...but we were wrong. The only people we met were 2 people who looked like they were living off the land illegally (hunting, etc.). Aside from that, we saw no other human beings for the entire duration of our hike. And if my cellphone had not turned on by itself in my pocket, I would not have had any other communications other than with BR. As it is, I got a lovely text from JM about joining for a movie night with chocolate popcorns, and immediately felt hungry.

In the beginning of the hike, BR and I talked a lot on the trail. As time grew on, our pace grew faster, our physical separation began growing apart ; we began getting more and more out of breath, and we began talking less and less, until we probably spoke an average of 10 words to each other every half an hour. Under such conditions, I began humming music to myself to entertain myself on the trail. With this method, I discovered a surprising thing on the second day of my trekking: for me, classical music dulls pain.

At the end of our second day, we had to hurry back from Council Bluffs to Big River in order to reach a suitable campsite (that was not in a flash flooding zone). I was leading, so it was up to me to set a fast pace in order to make at least 2 miles in an hour. It seems like a distance that you can scoff at, but once you're out there trudging through the leaves and rocks, you'll realize how difficult it is. Especially with a 40-50 lb bag on your back. Anyways, my shoulders and feet were aching really badly at the time.

And then I put on Beethoven's Spring Sonata in my head.

It wasn't instantaneous, but within 5 minutes I had gotten really into the music, and the pain had all but disappeared. I could feel a blister on my feet, a persistent force on my shoulder, but none of it hurt anymore. Because of this, I was able to set a pace that took us 2 miles in 50 minutes, giving us enough time to refill our water at Big River and set up camp before it got too dark. This was really weird for me, so I decided to test it out more the next day.

So the next day along the trail, I hummed music in my head the whole way. Had some Nelly Furtado, Coldplay, Radiohead, Rihanna, even Katy Perry. For the first hour, that was all I really hummed. And my feet and shoulders were killing me by the time we took our first break, an hour into the hike. For the second hour, BR (who was leading) set a daunting pace through a part of the trail where it must have ascended 150-200 feet without stop. I put on Rachmaninoff's 3rd Piano Concerto and blazed through that section, and by the time we reached Ottery Creek, everything had stopped hurting and I felt even better than before we had started walking.

I used Rachmaninoff's 2nd and Prokofiev's 1st Concertos to crank out a 3 mile/hr pace on the uphill section from Ottery Creek to Bell Mountain. Still didn't feel any pain. But my ultimate proof of the power of classical music came in the last mile of hiking. It was entirely in darkness, and since I have a fear of the dark and BR is apparently afraid of raptors coming out of the dark a la Jurassic Park 2, both of us were on edge. And since BR and I were talking to ward off our fears of the forest at night, my shoulders and feet were beginning to kill me again. At the point when I couldn't stand it anymore, I put on Rachmaninoff's 2nd concerto again.

The pain disappeared.

The case is closed. Classical music is apparently my panacea. I think it may have something to do with the fact that the brain cannot focus on so many things at a time. I'm not complaining...I'd rather enjoy a grand concert in my head than the pain from my body. Though I tend to get so engrossed in the music that I start waving my arms around as if I'm conducting the music ("like a maniac", according to BR)...but I'll accept the weird WTF thoughts going through BR's head rather than the pain as well.

-FCDH

New Pair of Shoes?

Hi Readers,

First, just a clarification - I am not depressed, nor was the point of my last post to show depression.

Instead, the point of it was to give a first-person perspective of all the years in my life that I spent hiding myself. I'm sure we all have felt these moments before, but to feel it day in and day out - it really takes a toll on you. I still can't really quantify the psychological impact that this has probably had on my childhood and teenage years, nor would I want to. The road of what-ifs is a slippery one to tread on, and in any case it is now too late for it.

I want to use this post to encourage any readers who may be in similar situations to reflect on their own situations. Think about what is important, and whether or not you are willing to risk your psychological well-being on hiding. I am not making a broad general statement for every closeted person to come out. Instead, think carefully about what you will gain, and what you will lose, by doing so.

For me, what I gained was the ability to face society head-on. To admit it to yourself is the first step, and to admit it to others is the second. Not that there isn't any discomfort there - there certainly is. It is still a somewhat taboo issue, but it's an issue that will not be going away anytime soon. To be able to face society, and yourself as well, is to show that you realize that the reality is the reality. It's a harsh reality, but then nobody said life is fair.

With that being said, I still have my moments of doubt. About myself, and how the rest of my life will play out. Straight people will often offer encouragements, but from my perspective, it's like the US patting Aung San Suu Kyi on the head and saying, "oh yeah, Burma's going to get democracy one day."

But when is that day? Will it ever come? That's the million dollar question. For the subset of society that must still live, saddled with this weight on our heads and chests, the only thing we can do is hope. It is like seeing a few rays of the sun shining on the horizon...we can only hope that it is the dawn of something special, and not the dusk.

-FCDH

Alone In the Dark

Hi Readers,

Smiling is an amazing action. When we smile, somehow we feel happy. The muscles must be linked to the emotion for happiness. Want artificial happiness? Just smile a smile. It's healthy for the heart, mind, and soul. It's healthy for the individual, the masses, and the society.

Even if it ends at the mouth. The cold resentment encroaches upon its territory, but the flame holds. They recoil back and await, at the edge of the circle of light. Feeding off one another's energy. The soul glares in disapproval, the mind yearns to reveal its secrets, and the eyes hold daggers at the ready. Smile! It will make everything better. If only for a moment. Disappear now. The pieces fall into place.

It's so hard to smile a smile that hides it all.

Curl those lips into a humorless smile. While the eyes remain dull, having lost their vitality. While the pain stabs you in the heart. While the effort of holding back the burning sensation at your eyes makes you want to rip all your hair out. While you just want to smash the table to pieces. Rip every shred of paper. Burn everything in sight. Scream into the vacuum. Cry. Lament. Wallow.

While nary a ripple through the sands of time emanates outward from you. Has anyone noticed anything? Swallow it all. Mask everything. Smooth your voice. Clamp the filter back on.

Everything's ok. A mere pawn. Another day, in the sadistic game of life. The movement descends back into the underground. An unspoken threat of revolt hangs in the air.

-FCDH

Swirling Clouds

Hi Readers,

Through another friend, I met a boy today. We ate, we talked, and we walked. He's really cute, and his eyes are mesmerizing. I wish we could've continued walking and talking...damn the EWB meeting that I had. I don't know the next time I'll see him, or if there'll be a next time. I haven't felt like this in awhile.

I can't focus on my work. What's wrong with me?? Half of me is giddy and hopeful, while the other half is cautioning me against failure. Both halves know that I have a test on Monday and need to study, but they're both putting it on the back burner while they're battling it out.

Stop the scorched earth policy! I need my mind!

Am I setting myself up for failure?

Focus! Must derive the S parameters of a 2-port network. Pick up pencil. Yes, the pencil. Right there in front of you. Next to the cellphone. Ooo I have a text.

"oh silly David...Trix are for kids".

From a fellow EWBer. I love EWB. I love everyone in this organization.

SB, if you are reading this. I love you so much. You're the best friend anyone could ever ask for. You're probably the biggest reason I don't want to leave this place. I can't imagine not having you around. I can't imagine leaving this place. Has it only been 4 years? This place is a living entity...my water, my food, my shelter. I lost myself here, and I rediscovered myself here. I discovered the world, an infinite cache of knowledge.

There are sirens outside. Typical Halloween night sounds.

A ceasefire has been declared.

-FCDH

Glide Away

Hi Readers,

To those of you that don't already know it, I've taken up longboarding. My friend lent me his old longboard, so I've been practicing with it for the past month or so. The entire experience, from the first time I stepped on a longboard till now, has been quite amusing. Let me walk you through it.

I remember the first time I tried it. I had obtained the board on Friday night after rock climbing at the ARC. I woke up late on the following Saturday morning...like around 3pm late, and I immediately thought about trying it out. I took the board to the back entrance of Siebel center, where there was a slight incline. I stepped on the board, and gently nudged it forward...and about 3 seconds later I jumped off and the board flew away and crashed into...something. What exhilaration! Over the span of the next hour, I gradually moved from going downhill, to learning how to use my feet to propel myself, to going uphill. Granted I was still very unstable at this time, but hey I could stay on a longboard! Another goal accomplished =).

Within a week I was longboarding from home to the EWB office. There was a gentle slope downwards on the way, so I didn't have to propel much. Granted curbs and pedestrians freaked me out, but I managed it alright. The only time I've fallen has been at 2am with my backpack. Scraped my hands a little but it's fine. As time progressed, I've gotten more comfortable. Soon I'm boarding from the office to home...then from the office to other offices, to meetings, restaurants, or even walking with friends. Looking back now, it's hard to believe that a month ago I was still freaking out when the board tilted.

Boarding offers you a new angle on life. From a perch about 4 inches off the ground, you glide smoothly and majestically (or with cacophony and bumps over sidewalk cracks) as scenes and people fly past you. Moving from point A to B is no longer a mindless task ; now it's an exercise of dodging pedestrians, accelerating heartrates whenever there are bumps (which there always are), and planning out your trajectory from 15 feet away.

And you must always have an emergency plan in mind. What happens if that car doesn't stop at the crosswalk, of if that Korean girl gets the deer-in-headlight body freeze, or if the delta impulse from the extra-high sidewalk crack on the board-man momentum sum is enough to reverse the sign of the momentum on the board but not on the man.

Longboarding offers more than a danger of skinned elbows and bruised egos. It offers uncertainty and unpredictability, which is in short supply in our lives... and the tantalizing taste of failure, when you are only accountable to yourself and no other. We all need a taste of failure in our lives, so we can realize our vulnerability in the vast world. Nothing is guaranteed, and planned routes can fall apart at a single wide-eyed glance from a person frozen on your trajectory.

So swerve around, step beyond, and glide away.

-FCDH

Purging an Evil Addiction

Hi Readers,

I finally realized why I was so down in the dumps for the past few weeks... and I finally broke off my tenacious addiction to Civilization 4 today by uninstalling it from my computer. It's been dragging me back into the abyss of lost time ever since I installed it 3 weeks ago. I've been spending excessive time (12+ hours on Saturday) with it, and it just can't continue anymore. I would play Civ4 so much that I couldn't focus on schoolwork enough, and then I'd be depressed that I wasn't doing as well as last semester, even though I'm taking less hours and have less commitment right now. It made me feel pathetic and lost, which made me spend even more time on them. A flashback to high school.

I don't understand why video games are so addictive for me. I know they were made to be that way, but I thought I had developed self control and restraint over my 3 years of multitasking. But my extremely fast slide shocked me to my very core. Back in high school, I spent a lot of time on video games. Entire weekends were devoted to computer games, basically from Friday night all the way till Sunday night. I did MMORPGs with my homestay brother so much that I would create new characters to level up when I got bored with the old one...resulting in an inventory of 8 characters. I played so many games: RO, MapleStory, Gate to Heaven, Civ4, Age of Empires / Mythology, Rise of Nations, Runescape (lol), and so many others that I've lost track of them all.

Looking back, video games were singularly the most destructive influence during my teenage years. The amount of potential that I wasted was so enormous that I'm only making up for it now in college. I always say that we shouldn't regret anything in life, but that's not true - I regret all the time I wasted on video games. All the sports / music / activities / learning I could have been doing in those 5 years all went down the drain. I realized this early in my college experience, which is why I swore off them and haven't seriously touched any in the past 3 years. In return, I've been blessed by an extremely eventful and productive undergraduate career that continues to amaze me every single day. I cherish the lifestyle I live now, and I will not give it up without a fight.

So,

I promise never to install another video game on my computer, and

I promise never to revert back to the old me, who wasted 5 years of his life in the virtual world.

I've never broken my promises, and I don't intend to start now. I'm just glad I realized this addiction before it destroyed my life again. As for the free time I've picked up, I'm going to spend it on a project to develop a website for Campus Surplus on behalf of the SSC. As for weekends, I'm going to start training for the marathon that I just signed up for in the spring. I'm going to reach for my goals instead of languishing in the murky bog of my past.

To hell with wasted time...life's better than that.

-FCDH

A Slow Motion Crash

Much has happened recently in my life, but I haven't been able to get motivation to do much. Despite dropping CS 225, I bombed both the GRE and my first ECE 464 midterm. The piles of dishes at home are obscene. Laundry is waiting to be done. Still need to write my paper. Still have to process those reimbursements.

I can't get the will to do any of it. I'm lost, and the only thing I know is that I'm falling. Here goes a long discourse that is disgusting in the amount of self-wallowing-in-pity there is. Let it serve as a warning to some, and advice to others.

I spent my freshman, sophomore, and junior years vaulting myself high into the air, towards the stars. It started off as a desire to experience as much as possible, in order for myself to live a fulfilling life. I was a nobody with no direction to my life - it was the perfect time to start. There was only one direction to go, and that was up. Curiosity and ambition quickly made me take on more and more, and I always told myself that I was sincere in everything I tried and did. Along the way, I looked at people who held their noses high and looked down on others, and I scoffed at the lack of substance in their supposed "accomplishments". I warned myself against becoming one of these people.

Somewhere along the line, things morphed insidiously inside of me. I guess I wanted to stand out from the pack. I wanted my name to be known, for it to be spoken with respect, and for myself to be able to look back and say proudly, "look at all that I accomplished." I wanted myself to be different from the nobody that I've been my whole life.

Well, I got it. I was distinguished with ceremonies and banquets. I was showered with awards and praise. And somewhere in the middle, I lost my soul. I became a puppet to what society deemed "admirable". I set high hoops for myself, and took it as a given that I would jump through them. The seemingly logical argument gradually formed in my mind - if I could build myself up from a nobody to get to where I am today, then anyone else should be able to do it. I became arrogantly proud and self-confident, and looked down on everybody from the perch that I had constructed for myself. I held disdain at those who had the potential to do great things, but who wasted it. I gradually became the person I wanted to avoid becoming, except I didn't even realize it.

Well, I gave up a lot of responsibilities this semester. Why I did it, I don't know. I guess I was just tired of the effort and stress that it takes to maintain it. And I found myself re-transforming into a nobody again. But even worse, a nobody that people still look up to and respect. I feel like a hypocrite when people praise me for what I've done, when people see my past accomplishments but don't realize how pathetic I am now. There's still a high bar of expectation there, except I can't jump over it anymore, not even for myself. Worse than that, my arrogance has remained, except now it lacks substance.

I don't have anything more to give. I'm so tired of constantly striving to achieve more. So tired. But withdrawal is setting in. I don't want to give up being the same person who I was the past 3 years. I feel like there's still potential there.

But do I even like that person? If not, who am I supposed to become otherwise?

How did things go so wrong? I feel like crap. My life is such a lie.

-FCDH

Saying No to Alcohol

Hi Readers,

You may or may not know that I received surprising results from my health checkup in Taiwan this summer. I knew that something was probably wrong when my doctor kept saying "huh?" when he was looking at the sonograph of my belly region.

Basically, I have a tumor in my liver. To be more specific, there are 3 tumors.

These developed over the span of a year, as they were not there when I had my health checkup a year ago. Quite scary! Although he informed me that it's rare for tumors in the liver to turn malign, he did give me one piece of advice:

Stop Drinking.

I think I'll take his advice. But as I've found out already, it's easier said than done. I feel like it's going to hinder my ability to be social, or to go out with friends. Last night already, I broke the rule and had 2 beers (which I consider to be a very low number). Granted, I don't think that'll do any harm, but it was almost an impulse to drink. I'm not sure why, but a mere 2 years after getting drunk for the first time, the alcohol culture has already become so ingrained in myself that it's going to be very hard to stop.

But I must, for my health. So from this point on, I begin the quest to discover the key to saying no to alcohol!

-FCDH

To My Family

My blog is rife with criticisms of my family, so I'd like to take the time to acknowledge my gratefulness to my family, lest people start believing that my family has influenced me negatively. A few instances here and there cannot diminish the fact that my family loves me, and only wants what is best for me.

The Taiwan that I grew up in was a very strict society, where children my age were basically lumped together by their academic performance. It was a complete meritocracy, which has its advantages and disadvantages. Everybody was pressured to do well in school, and I was naturally not exempt from this. Everything was about success - either do it right, or don't do it at all. This motto was drilled into me since childhood, and I was only able to begin shedding it off during my first year of university.

I love my family for the discipline that they have brought me. In a time where individualistic desires and "stick-it-to-the-Man" thoughts have pervaded the thoughts of the new generation, discipline especially comes in handy. I love them for teaching me the ways of treating others as you want to be treated, because it has helped me immensely in building my network of friends and acquaintances.

Most of all, I love them for doing what they believe is right for me, even though it is always risky on their part. They punished me physically because it is the easiest way to instill discipline in a child, while taking the risk that I could grow up to hate them forever. They pushed me into my university and my major even though I wanted to do something else, because of the bright future that an ECE degree from Illinois has, even though it would put them $100,000 more into debt compared to a Canadian university. They fought with me over the issue of my sexuality, because it is a hard world out there for gay people, and they wanted me to avoid the hardships that will face me in the future.

Mom, Dad, and Jess, I appreciate everything you've done for me. My biggest wish for all of you now, is for you to stop worrying about me. You've made me into the person I am today, so that I can use the skills that you gave me to face the world on my own. It's time for you to live and enjoy your own lives, rather than helping me live mine.

It's the time to abandon rigidity and planning, for a little bit more spontaneity and discovery. Life is more enjoyable that way.

Love,

FCDH

Climbed Mt. Fuji!

Hi Readers!

I climbed Mt. Fuji last weekend with some friends and it was an absolutely horrendous experience...raining and windy and cold. Literally there were moments I thought that we were going to die on the mountain without feeling warmth again. We climbed through the whole night (7pm-4am) in the miserable condition. Rested at one of the midway huts (8.5) for an hour to warm up. I bought gloves and instant noodles on the mountain to try and warm myself up...didn't work too well but probably helped me survive. I think I walked the entire way up with my head down, trying to keep the blowing rain out my face. Near the top my backpack began to freeze as it was below freezing. We got to the top, there was no sunrise - just a bunch of clouds and fog obstructing everything in view. But then as we proceeded down, voila! The clouds disappeared and the gorgeous landscape came into view.

Everything we suffered on the way up was forgotten. Cameras were taken out. Millions of transistors were recharged or discharged with new digitized picture data.

It was a great and memorable day. I'll never forget the experience. I'll be back here another time.

PS: Some pictures below!

-FCDH

Our starting group, 14 people.

One view from the top.

Another view from the top.

Life Without a Cellphone

Hey Readers,

So it's been probably a month and a half since I last used a cellphone. It's been pretty weird, not being constantly connected to the world. Well, not being AS connected to the world as I'd like (I still facebook and gmail everyday...). But having survived for this long without a cellphone, I think it'd be cool to talk about this experience and about technology in general.

There are some major things that are different, and some that are the same. For example, my pockets are now light enough that I don't have to wear belts when wearing my baggy shorts. But I still feel phantom vibrations (when you think you feel the phone vibrating but it's actually not). The worst one: I actually need to plan out social outings with friends in advance now. Kind of annoying when your friends have cells and you don't. Not having a cellphone is probably the biggest reason why I think I've regressed socially this summer in Japan (doesn't help that most Japanese people here are also very anti-social..).

But in a way it's kinda nice. When I have a phone and I'm alone by myself, I'm usually tempted to call my friends and hang out, do something....anything to not be alone by myself. But without a phone, since there's really nothing I can do, I guess I've had to stop thinking about being with others, and just enjoy being with myself. The less connected I am with the world around me, the more connected I become with myself. It's definitely an unexpected side effect. Though granted, most people around me don't have phones (and I probably saved a lot of money by not getting it), so to me it doesn't seem like a big loss.

It's interesting, because when I first arrived in Japan by myself...I thought to myself, that I wasn't going to do what I had traditionally always done during my summers: to crave English interactions, friends, to drink and party a lot, and other stuff. I wanted Japan to be different, to try to be fully immersed in the culture. But slowly it's been slowly reverting back to what I wanted to avoid. I've made friends here (both English and non-English), and I do find myself craving human interactions most of the time. But not having a phone is definitely helping me become more self-sufficient with being alone.

Ironically, it is helping me become less shy at the same time. Because I can't just call up my friends and ask to hang out with them, when somebody I know asks me if I want to join them for a party or dinner, I now jump at the chance, even if I will not know most of the people there. Since I can't call up my friends to see what they are doing later, my choice has really already been made for me...and so ironically, I'm pretty sure I've made more acquaintances and friends in Japan than I would have if I had a cellphone.

What a weird coincidence! Not having a cellphone is helping me learn how to be alone AND more social at the same time. (I didn't think through everything when I started this post and now I'm pretty amazed at this turn of events). This is cool! But perhaps I will stick with a cellphone when I return to the US =). All for now!

PS: Will be climbing Mt. Fuji tomorrow (Saturday)....so nervous!!!

-FCDH

An Incomplete Requiem

Today morning, I found out about a tragedy. One of my friends, who was also one of my biggest role models that I looked up to, died this past weekend. The cause of death is still unknown as of yet...but that doesn't change how I feel about the loss. I feel as if the world has been robbed of all the talents and skills that she possessed, and all her friends robbed of her companionship.

She was a metaphorical giant amongst other overachievers. One of the legendary originals of Engineers Without Borders...one of the most renown, most feared, and most respected. Her name was always spoken with a certain reverence. In her presence, you knew you were in the presence of someone who could get things done, who had the foresight of a leader, and who has seen success numerous times.

At the same time, she was caring about those around her. For those who wanted advice, she gave it. For those who wanted a helping hand, she offered it. For those who wanted to make a difference, she made sure that they did not quit, and offered encouragement for their success.

You were one of my biggest role models. You were an untouchable in my mind...I strived so hard to live up to the potential of the foundations that you and others laid for Engineers Without Borders. Even now I am not sure I have succeeded, but you were always at the back of my mind, urging me forward, not to quit. In my mind, you could do no wrong.

But your invincibility was shattered in my mind today. Why?? Why did this have to happen?? There was so much more that you could have done, so much more you could have taught, so much more you could have experienced...there was such a bright future ahead for you.

So much died with you. Even now, I still cannot comprehend the magnitude of the loss that we are all suffering from your passing. I can still see your face in my mind...you chuckling at my disillusionment of EWB... you idly asking about my day when we pass on the street... your humorous conversations during the EWB bar crawl...

Did you hear my whispers to you today as I rode past the idyllic rice paddies? Wherever you are...I have faith that you will be able to make as much difference there as you have in this life. I cannot stop the tears from coming to my eyes right now, but I will try to be happy for you, wherever you are. Your spirit will live on in us forever.

Like a luminescent bubble soaring upwards in the breeze, let the brilliance of your soul and spirit shimmer on forever...always visible in our minds and our hearts.

Until we meet again, my friend.

Rest In Peace.

-FCDH

Israel's Slow Leftward Transition?

Hi Readers!

Update first. I went to Tokyo yesterday (Saturday) with two of my French friends, who were meeting their other 2 French friends in Tokyo to go have fun. I ended up being the odd one out, being the only person with English as a primary language, since everybody else was speaking French to each other. But since I could speak some French it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I will admit - it was still a somewhat annoying trip into Tokyo, almost not worth the $14 train ticket. But one thing rescued it from being a complete disaster (in my opinion) - one of the French guys we met at Shibuya station was probably the most attractive guy I've ever seen in my life. Granted he said like 3 sentences to me the entire night and probably doesn't even know my name, but that in itself put the night up from 'complete borefest' to 'barely tolerable'.

Anyways, today's topic: Israel (again as usual). I don't really know why I focus on Israel so much - I mean, there's loads of international issues like Krygyzstan's presidential election, or Poland's presidential election, etc. etc. I guess I find the moral gray area for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict more interesting to blog about. So here goes.

There's one thing about Google News that bothers me slightly. It's that the "international news" sections has a lot of news about Israel, but often from the 3 Israeli News Outlets: Haaretz, Jerusalem Post, and another one (Ynet or something similar). I usually get quite annoyed and pissed off at these...because they have SUCH one-sided pro-Israel viewpoints that it was disgusting. During the Gaza conflict, these were the headlines that read "Gaza War justified and legal despite alleged humanitarian violations"...during the Biden-settlement issue, these were also the ones saying "Settlements justified...Americans can go to hell...blah blah blah." I used to think it was complete and utter garbage, like Fox News in the US.

But lately, since the Mavi Marmara incident (Turkish ship tried to run blockade and ended up with 9 people dead by Israeli commandos), I've noticed that these media sources are surprisingly docile, and even somewhat anti-Israeli government. There are news and opinion articles lambasting the government's response to the ship, the "neutral committee" that has no authority and no international approval, and the current failed blockade on Gaza. Even as Erdogan, Turkey's Prime Minister, blasts Israel for the killing of 9 Turks on board the ship, and as Turkish relations with Israel continues to deteriorate, I actually found many articles on both JP and Haaretz saying "it's not their fault...it's ours". I was quite flabbergasted by the 180 turn from their usual reporting.

I wonder if this is an indication of Israel's gradual shift leftwards. Ever since Netanyahu took over, Israel's only been embroiled in crisis after crisis. Watching their world status plummet over and over again, as Hamas remains as firmly in control of Gaza as ever, as Ahmadinejad continues his flaming rhetoric against Israel, as their biggest Muslim ally Turkey slid away from them...I'd imagine the media is becoming more and more hard-pressed to support the government. As media is probably the most effective method of controlling people, this may be just the first indication of the backlash against Netanyahu's government.

It'd be similar if we saw MSNBC turn against the Democrats, or Fox News turn against Republicans. Though I doubt either would ever happen...but it'd be quite the sight to see.

-FCDH

Love the World...by Yourself

Hi Readers!

First, an update.

It's been another busy week! I finally finished my 109-slide powerpoint for work (whew!) documenting pretty much everything I ever learned about semiconductors, as well as some new things I learned about the use of diamond in UV detectors. Seriously, I could probably use this to give a couple of lectures and seminars on semiconductors. My supervisor assigned me the ppt 3 weeks ago, and I went back in a week with 30 slides (which I thought was long enough)...and he was like "why is it so short? 50 slides should be the absolute minimum and you should be aiming for 100!" So voila...109 slides. (There will be people sleeping in my powerpoint presentation next week, no doubt about it. =P) Next week I should be starting to actually do the hands on research, which I am excited about! Just hope that theoretical results will be reflected in our experimental results.

So this blog post is concerning a topic which I find intriguing. It's about loving the world...without the influence of others. I am somewhat curious about how other people perceive the world. Here's some background info.

It seems that, everywhere I seem to go in the world, people view partying and drinking and socializing as THE way to relax and spend your Friday nights. As humans are naturally social creatures (apart from some people), it seems only natural to do this. But lately I've began to deviate and reject this approach to having fun. Sure, you might meet interesting people in a bar, or get drunk and have fun...but at the end, it seems so superficial. It is beginning to feel like a chore, to constantly hang around your friends, to seek pleasure from your interactions with them. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but I don't like to think that I am dependent upon others for my enjoyment.

Therefore, I've started to peel away from some of the more "social" activities here in Japan. Instead of going with the big group of researchers to drink coffee after lunch, I now go for long bike rides by myself in the free hour we have. I've discovered beautiful farmland and scenery, and I take joy in discovering new places, and getting lost amongst the winding roads in Japan. I feel so free, when I am by myself and can simply wander as I wish, not needing an itinerary or doing what I've traditionally done, which was to cram as much in as possible and to do what everyone else was doing.

I asked a friend a couple of days ago, what he thought the real purpose of tourism was. In my mind, many people simply visit famous places and take pictures, so that they can show others "hey I was here!". I used to be one of these people. But here again, is an "others"-oriented approach. I believe that tourism should be no different than living life. If I don't really care about seeing the Eiffel Tower when I am in Paris..why would I visit it? But others would say ("you traveled all the way to Paris and didn't see the Eiffel Tower?")

Last summer, I was in Madrid, and I used to look upon my fellow students' behaviors with somewhat astonishment. They traveled all the way to Spain...to go relax in the city park on a Saturday afternoon? I snubbed my nose at them and I traveled to Segovia instead...but when I look back, it wasn't really the better decision by any means. I didn't really care about seeing the Cathedral there, only about taking pictures of everything I could see there, so I could prove that I didn't waste my time in Spain.

Prove to who? Others. But should I have to care what others think about my trip to Spain or how I use my time? No.

I'm conflicted about how to state my point that I am trying to make in this post, or even how to create a coherent point from a vague feeling I have. It's not that friends are not necessary - they are, definitely. But I feel that it is extremely important to become self-sufficient in society. The people I see, who go to bars every weekend, come across as somewhat needy and lacking in self-sufficiency. To crave human interactions is not a bad thing...but to spend all your free time on it seems to be somewhat destructive to personal development. Spending time by yourself, or being a loner, is not any worse than being at a party or a social gathering. But it contradicts what we are constantly bombarded with in society, that loners are not cool and live miserable lives. Ultimately, I want to be able to be comfortable and content by myself - with happiness derived from me and me alone, and not from others.

(I think I am slowly becoming a loner. Sorry for this incoherent post.)

-FCDH

Transportastic Tokyo

Hi Readers!

Hope you have enjoyed your weekends! I spent the past weekend in Tokyo, and I loved it. Not because of what the usual attractions are (shopping, culture, whatever else), but the most interesting aspect of Tokyo for me is its transportation system.

For those who don't know me well, I have several fascinations. I list them here in descending order of fascination:

-Food

-Languages

-Rapid Transit Systems / Transportation Infrastructure

-Water

This blog will concern the 3rd one: rapid transit. Out of all of these fascinations, the transportation infrastructure one is the hardest one to satisfy for me (especially because the US and Canada have quite crappy systems).

Everytime I return to Taiwan, I look forward to riding the Taipei MRT System (Metro Rapid Transit). It's so modern, fast, and efficient - and this boggles my mind. I'm looking forward to the completion of the many lines that are under construction right now.

But nothing, NOTHING, can compare to Tokyo's rail system. It's simply amazing, the way there are so many lines going every where. And there are SO MANY PEOPLE taking it, it's absolutely unreal. Below is an image from only one platform of the Shinjuku Station, at 11:30pm on a Saturday night. The train was more crowded than during rush hour in Taipei.

Everything about Tokyo's rail system is appealing to me. The warning sound before the door closes, the silently efficient motors, the Japanese feminine announcements, and the fact that there are so many ways to travel from point A to B.

Granted, it's horrendous to navigate, and I think virtually impossible without a map or prior experience. When there's something like 10+ possible trains you could take at a single station, the possibility for screwing up tends to increase.

Both Shinjuku and Shibuya were pretty bad for this, both being gigantic stations that probably holds tens of thousands of people at any one time.

I don't know why it interests me so, but navigating the Tokyo railway system was the most interesting thing that I did in Tokyo. I am especially proud at having navigated myself from Shibuya to Ueno, and then walked all the way to Akihabara station, without getting lost. =)

The Rest of Tokyo (that is not trains)

Places I visited in Tokyo:

-Shibuya crossing (picture above - way too overrated)

-Shinjuku (station itself is the main attraction)

-Asakusa (I've visited here before with my mom!)

-Ueno (Park is nice and I had Tom Yom Ramen!)

-Akihabara (I spent 3 hours reading manga here)

-Ookayama (Shunji's house is small but cozy)

Hanging out with the IAESTE Japan group was amazingly fun. I practiced and learned so much Japanese, and I made a lot of new friends. Hanging out at Shunji's house afterwards was also fun (I just wish it hadn't been so hot so I could have slept more than 3 hours...but it's not a big deal). Overall, it was an extremely fun experience. I'm looking forward to (potentially) taking the Shinkansen, but we'll see if that's possible.

So now that Tokyo's checked off the list, next subway system to visit will be Moscow's system. I have high hopes for Soviet realism and 80km/h subway cars =).

Ja Mata! / じゃまた！/ See you later!

-FCDH

First Impressions of Japan

Hello Readers,

A week has passed in Japan, and I'm offering my first impressions here.

Living Quarters: There is simply one word for it: amazing. My lodging here (which is mostly paid for by the National Institute for Materials Science, my employer), is absolutely amazing.

The picture on the left is a picture of the apartment / dormitory complex that I am currently staying at in Japan. There's a library, central courtyard (where I had a bbq with a bunch of random students from Tsukuba University), and workout room. I live in a double room by myself (they must have ran out of singles), and I love it every single day I am here.

I also have a bike! Awesome way to exercise. Last Saturday and Sunday alone, I biked 80km.

Food: Most people will know that I love most food in general. But Japanese food has always been one of my favorites. Sashimi (raw fish slices) and ramen are two of my favorite food in the world. I've eaten ramen almost every day at lunchtime at the cafeteria, and it's so amazing. Sure, the 500 yen price sounds astronomical, but it's almost cheaper than a Subway footlong.

Work: I've only started, but I already have a good feeling about working at NIMS. The people there are very friendly, and I am quite astonished that I actually know what they are talking about! Thanks a lot for your education, ECE department, for all the semiconductor classes!! (As a side note - I recommend anyone wanting to shock others on semiconductor knowledge to take the ECE 440/444/488/495 combo. This has re-emphasized the hallowed status that they give to our university in the realms of semiconductors - thanks to the inventors of the transistors / LED / Quantum well laser / Transistor laser here).

Weather: Most people told me it would be rainy. Well instead it's rained 1 day and been sunny every other day here...and I love it.

I am loving Japan as of right now. However, even through my enthusiasm and openness, there are some subtle flash points that I am keeping a close watch on. For one thing, I am keeping a tight lid on the fact that I am gay - it's not accepted in Japanese culture, plus I don't know how my French friends may react (if any of you are reading this - please let me know how you feel). Also, the more Japanese work ethics and behaviors I see, the more apprehensive I am slowly becoming. It's also extremely hard to make Japanese friends, because of the lack of interaction and the fact that they all seem to be so shy. I am also beginning to feel somewhat lonely here, but perhaps I will be able to fix that as I continue adapting.

I will travel to Tokyo this Saturday, to visit Yurina Nomura-san, who is my contact with IAESTE Japan. I am looking forward to it...and to purchasing what will most likely become thousands of yen's worth of postcards. Oh well...it's my obligation as a global wanderer to do so.

Till the next post!

-FCDH

Le Bibliotheque

Such majestic balls of light

Floating in mid-air

Hanging over a drop

Over a hardened heart

Over a lonely arbiter

A matrix of spikes

Overwhelming the senses

Advancing towards me

Metal bars stand in the way

Sullenly doing their duty

Stare blankly at them I did

Our Lady Peace in my ear I heard

Decades of history around me I saw

Sterility in the air I smelled

Blankness in my heart I felt

Why are we trapped by what we know?

A Priori is imprisoning me

My heart does not settle

My dreams are haunted property

My soul is twisted tightly

I told the bird to take flight

And take flight it did

But its wings grow tired by the day

And mockingbirds stream past

All flying in the other way

As I saw the Lotus settle

Everything returned to normal

Just another hallucination

Of a perfectly lucid mind

Polluted by the fumes of fear

Without a backwards glance

I spread my wings

And take to the air again

Looking for tomorrow's salvation

In the ashes of today

-FCDH

06/07/2010

Israel's Failure at Suppressing Democracy

In life, there are many situations where we must sacrifice a part of what we have in order to preserve the remnants, instead of losing everything that we have. This also holds in democracy. Many countries in the world, including the US, regularly suppress democracy as a means of preserving it. The only difference is, when we "suppress" democracy, we are silencing entire parts of the human population, and forcing alternative choices upon them to choose. It is de facto a page taken from the authoritarian regimes...so why do we do it?

Most countries do not allow political parties to exist, whose goals are to split up the country or compromise its national security in any way. This is true for the USA (no Confederate parties), Germany (no NAZI parties), China (no other parties at all). An exception must be made to Canada - congratulations for allowing for the existence of the Bloc Quebecois party, whose primary goal is to allow the Canadian province of Quebec to secede and become its own country.

However, when the clause for national security is taken farther than the country's own borders, there is an immediate ethical issue regarding it. There are several examples of foreign-fueled overthrow of democratically elected governments: Salvador Allende in Chile, Sandinistas in Nicaragua, and others.

But none of these interventions had the direct human impact of Israel's blockade of Gaza. We must remember that the Hamas government came to power through a legitimate election in the Palestinian Territories. And because of their democratic decision, the people of Gaza were to be punished with a crushing blockade that includes non-weapon items such as canned fruits or notebooks. Israel is hoping that, through punishing the Gazan populace with miserable (see: human rights abuse) living conditions, that they will reject the Hamas government and elect a better government (see: Israel-leaning government).

However, Israel is missing one important point: it is directly punishing the people that it is relying on to make this regime change. And unlike Israel, Hamas is trying its best to provide essentials to the people, to make their living conditions bearable. It is providing goods that are stopped by the blockades (albeit through smuggling), it has rebuilt much of Gaza City after the war with Israel, it has provided healthcare to those who need it. Is it really any surprise that, despite many years of miserable living conditions, the people of Gaza still choose to support Hamas instead of Israel?

And now, with the whole Peace Flotilla issue, Israel cannot stand to lose any more respect and standing in the world. Its human rights abuses are no longer being dismissed by the US, and it has lost Turkey as its most important ally in the Middle East. Hamas has still remained as an immovable force in Gaza, and people are increasingly shifting blame of the Israel-Palestinian crisis to Israel. Is it unfair that world opinions are shifting this way? Yes - but the burden is put on Israel, being the instigator of the blockade and human right abuses, to justify these actions. And since these actions are not shown to be working, they can no longer be justified.

The American founders encoded this "instigator's burden of proof" concept into the Constitution, and it is the way we have always done things. Americans are not "turning against Israel"... they are simply opening their eyes to Israel's actions, and realizing that it runs contrary to our founding principles. Netanyahu probably sees this, but whether or not he can convince the Knesset and the Israeli populace of the need to lift the blockade, only time will tell.

-FCDH

Ridiculous Conversations I've Had About Homosexuality

After coming out to my parents, I knew that returning to Taiwan to face my parents would be hard. Surprisingly, it wasn’t so bad. I think my mom is fully ok now with me being gay, and my dad seems to be slowly coming around. But the numerous conversations that we had about homosexuality prompted me to write this blog post, though not all of the things in this post came from them.

1. Who will have to dress up as the woman in the relationship?

When this question was first asked to me, it was “who will be the woman in the relationship.” First I thought they were asking about who would be doing what in bed, which would have been an awkward conversation. Luckily after some clarification, it became a simpler question to answer. Excuse me, I’m gay for a reason. That reason is because I find men attractive, not woman. If I wanted someone to dress up as a woman in the relationship, I’d probably just stick with actual women.

2. Why aren’t you more flamboyant?

Because it’s a stereotype. Because I’m comfortable with who I am and how I act, and how I act happens to be non-flamboyant. Because the moons of Saturn have not aligned yet. Because I’m the same person I was?

3. Why did you choose to be gay?

I had an hour long conversation with my mom, in which she kept asking this question. She simply could not understand why I was willing to make this choice and risk being socially ostracized and being an outcast. What I kept said to her: “Well shouldn’t that be enough to convince you that it’s not a choice?” Seriously, I’m happy with who I am now, but if it were a choice I’d choose the safer and more predictable option in a heartbeat. After much repetition of the same argument, she finally accepted the logic.

4. How do you know you’re gay without sleeping with girls?

Both my parents asked me this. I answered by asking my dad and my mom if they had ever slept with members of the same sex. When they said no, I told them that the way they knew they were straight is the same way I knew I was gay. I even traveled a harder path than they did: I convinced myself to go into a relationship with a wonderful girl in the hopes that it might change me, before I was finally “sure” in their eyes. Where’s their same-sex relationships to make sure of their sexuality?

5. Why don’t you change yourself in order not to be gay?

When my dad asked me this, I responded by asking him if he thought he could become un-gay in the hypothetical situation that he were gay. He said that he thought he could, through determination and will. I then asked him if he thought he could change himself into a gay person from the person he is now, through the same “determination and will”, and he was silent. There are no one-way roads in this matter…either it’s possible both ways or it’s not possible at all.

6. You’re gay because there are no girls in engineering.

If this is true, then I truly feel sorry for all the guys in engineering…as they will all be gay.

7. You’re gay because you have no friends.

Both my parents said this to me several times. Out of all of the conversations, this one was the one I actually felt some anger and not simply annoyance…yes, please add oil to the fire by insinuating that the son that you don’t know at all has no social ability and cannot make friends, in addition to being a disgrace to the family. Sheesh.

There are more, but I think I’ll stop here for now. All-in-all, I’m extremely glad I told my parents, and things have gone better than even I could have hoped. I’ve become a better person through it all, and I hope I can continue to eliminate homophobia in the world.

Hope whoever is reading is having a good summer!

-FCDH

How to Live Life

In my opinion, one does not appreciate life until one is able to understand oneself. In my various bouts of depression, I've come to understand myself extremely well, and I definitely think it's one of the keys to being able to love life.

I will try not to delve on myself in this blog post. Instead, I want to give tips on how to best live a healthy and fulfilling life, in my opinion. Healthy not as meaning a balanced intake of your basic food groups every day, but a life that is healthy for the mind - psychological health. Everybody will see life differently, so please take this post with a grain of salt - it's written from my point of view. So here goes.

1) Find your passion and KNOW it.
There's nothing that I hate more than to meet someone who has no passions. It's fine to say "I don't know what I want to do with my degree" or "I don't know what to do in the future", but I think it's an absolute offense to the world for someone not to have any sort of passions. Everyone has at least one, often many - mine is knowledge, food, and music, others might like linking together circuits to create devices, or designing a city, or something else. Even if your study is not related to it, it's fine. The point of having a passion is to have a purpose to fall back upon. It's extremely easy to become disenchanted with life when there's nothing holding you to the world.

2) Accept life as a given
Everything in life happens for a reason. Most of the time, that reason is yourself - the mere fact that you exist means that stuff will happen to you. It's inevitable. It's not always what we choose. But that's what makes life so interesting, no? I used to lament on my homosexuality, and I used to wish that I could simply be normal. But now, I've accepted it and embraced it as a part of myself, and I've grown to love life even more by doing it. Everyone is unique, and nothing is better or worse than anything else - what matters is what we make with what is given to us, and that's completely in our hands to control.

3) Do not live with regrets
I've gradually learned this lesson painfully for the past 8 years - as a closeted individual in elementary school and secondary school, I've been afraid of ever coming out, mostly because of my family. But as I found myself in college, my fear of repressing myself forever began to battle my fear of coming out, until eventually it won - and I came out of the closet. I believe this point to be the most important point you could ever have in life. You only live life a certain way once, so why would you live in regret? If you are afraid of doing something, ask yourself this question: will I be more afraid of facing myself for the rest of my life not doing this thing? Every decision you make should be a conscientious decision. If you choose to do something, stick with your decision and don't second-guess yourself - you merely chose a path through life, one of many. You may not like the outcome, and that's fine, but never regret the fact that you made that decision. If you choose not to do something, do so conscientiously, and don't regret your decision. If you think you will regret it, then you need to swallow your fears and do it - because you never want to second-guess your decisions in life.

4) Know your limits, and set no limits beyond what is absolutely necessary
A lot of times, opportunity arises unexpectedly, and are only evanescent for an instant. You'll need to make a snap decision, and you'll either grasp it or lose it. In these times, it is important to know yourself and your limits really well, so that you don't dawdle and lose the opportunity. Apart from this, it is also important to try new things in life, so that you experience the most out of life. There's a difference between sensible fears and irrational fears, and I think we should all try to overcome our irrational fears.

5) Smile, Joke, and Laugh!

One of my friends asked me the other day how I am able to engage people in conversation so well, whether it's a bartender or barista or even random stranger on the street. I basically gave him one hint: smile more when you talk. He came back a week later and said it seems to work wonders. But that's a lesson - society is not supposed to be impersonal and cold. When we open our hearts, good things will happen. I've gotten free food and drinks from places just because I initiated a conversation with the barista / server while waiting for them to make the drink / food. Your passions and important to you, so take these seriously in conversation - but for everything else, loosen up and treat it all as a gift you've been given. Because you have - without interactions with each other, we are not human.

6) Do not obsess about how society sees you

You're you, and you're nobody else. Don't conform to what others want you to be - create yourself into the person you want to be, as long as it doesn't prevent others from doing the same things for themselves. For others' reactions, let them think what they will. For example, I often walk around barefoot because it's comfortable - others can deal with it as they see fit. I don't really care that much about how others see me - if I'm dancing on the dance floor, or singing karaoke, I'm thinking only about my own enjoyment and nobody else's. I may dance poorly or sing off-key, but I don't care because I'm enjoying it. Don't let others prevent you from enjoying who you are.

7) Stop and smell the roses

In our daily life as engineers, it is so easy to become so engrossed in our work that we stop seeing the small wonderful things of life. Follow your natural impulses. If the weather is good, go outside and enjoy it. I had an impulse one day to climb the giant bronze monument outside of Grainger as I passed it, so I did - and it was fun. There's a lot we miss when we close off our minds to anything outside of our routine.

8) Try new things!

Is there something gross-looking in the store window that you would never voluntarily try in your life? Go try it - test out your intuition. I've tried the weirdest foods this way - cow tongues, duck tongues, cow lungs, dog meat, frog meat, crocodile meat, sea horses, crayfish, and much more. If anything, you confirm your fears and never try it again. But at least you'll be able to say "hey I got up the courage to try this even though I didn't think I could." I've done the most difficult things in life this way. Skydiving, debating, studying abroad, and rock climbing being some of the most prominent ones. Life never gets dull this way!

9) Know that you are stronger, more capable, and more resilient than you think

Most of us have never truly pushed our boundaries of capabilities in life, but I think we'd all be surprised at what we can withstand if needed. I set a challenging goal for myself every semester to constantly test the waters of my capabilities. When people ask me "how do you survive taking 22 hours??" I tell them - you sign up for it and you'll survive it. Many of us have constructed imaginary barriers in our minds that prevent us from actually using all of our skills at our disposal, but if we just believe in ourselves, we find that we are actually much more capable than we imagined. But don't take my word for it - try it out for yourself.

10) Constantly engage those around you to be better

I'm saddened whenever I see potential capabilities in people go unused or wasted. My goal is always to strive to make those around me become better people. In the process, I've made myself a better person and made some of my closest friends this way.

So there you go, those are all the things I can think of right now. I'm sure that there are more things that can be said, and that some people will be extremely uncomfortable with following some of the things on this list. But hey, this is how I interact with the world, and I'm happy with it.

-FCDH