A Slow Motion Crash

Much has happened recently in my life, but I haven't been able to get motivation to do much. Despite dropping CS 225, I bombed both the GRE and my first ECE 464 midterm. The piles of dishes at home are obscene. Laundry is waiting to be done. Still need to write my paper. Still have to process those reimbursements.

I can't get the will to do any of it. I'm lost, and the only thing I know is that I'm falling. Here goes a long discourse that is disgusting in the amount of self-wallowing-in-pity there is. Let it serve as a warning to some, and advice to others.

I spent my freshman, sophomore, and junior years vaulting myself high into the air, towards the stars. It started off as a desire to experience as much as possible, in order for myself to live a fulfilling life. I was a nobody with no direction to my life - it was the perfect time to start. There was only one direction to go, and that was up. Curiosity and ambition quickly made me take on more and more, and I always told myself that I was sincere in everything I tried and did. Along the way, I looked at people who held their noses high and looked down on others, and I scoffed at the lack of substance in their supposed "accomplishments". I warned myself against becoming one of these people.

Somewhere along the line, things morphed insidiously inside of me. I guess I wanted to stand out from the pack. I wanted my name to be known, for it to be spoken with respect, and for myself to be able to look back and say proudly, "look at all that I accomplished." I wanted myself to be different from the nobody that I've been my whole life.

Well, I got it. I was distinguished with ceremonies and banquets. I was showered with awards and praise. And somewhere in the middle, I lost my soul. I became a puppet to what society deemed "admirable". I set high hoops for myself, and took it as a given that I would jump through them. The seemingly logical argument gradually formed in my mind - if I could build myself up from a nobody to get to where I am today, then anyone else should be able to do it. I became arrogantly proud and self-confident, and looked down on everybody from the perch that I had constructed for myself. I held disdain at those who had the potential to do great things, but who wasted it. I gradually became the person I wanted to avoid becoming, except I didn't even realize it.

Well, I gave up a lot of responsibilities this semester. Why I did it, I don't know. I guess I was just tired of the effort and stress that it takes to maintain it. And I found myself re-transforming into a nobody again. But even worse, a nobody that people still look up to and respect. I feel like a hypocrite when people praise me for what I've done, when people see my past accomplishments but don't realize how pathetic I am now. There's still a high bar of expectation there, except I can't jump over it anymore, not even for myself. Worse than that, my arrogance has remained, except now it lacks substance.

I don't have anything more to give. I'm so tired of constantly striving to achieve more. So tired. But withdrawal is setting in. I don't want to give up being the same person who I was the past 3 years. I feel like there's still potential there.

But do I even like that person? If not, who am I supposed to become otherwise?

How did things go so wrong? I feel like crap. My life is such a lie.

-FCDH