With that said, my dad's completely in denial. He's so far in denial, that I don't think he'll ever accept it. My mom seems to be in hopeful denial, meaning she might be accepting of it but she still thinks it may work out with a girl. My sister is the most supportive one - she's trying to calm my parents down and prevent any abuse incidents.
That's what I am most afraid of... my dad blaming my mom for "raising me into a gay person", and hitting her. It's one of the reasons I was afraid to tell them, but now that I have I really hope neither of them will do anything rash or stupid.
The night after I told them, JW came over to my apt to pre-game before we went out to the bars. An email came in from my mom and I read it...it was talking about how she stayed strong throughout my life despite all the abuse from my dad, and how she's so sorry that she's failed me in her upraising. I ended up crying on JW's shoulder for a while after that. I couldn't help myself - I felt so bad for my mom. She's gone through so much pain in life on my account, and I've probably failed both my parents as a son, in their eyes. I can't imagine their devastation right now.
I keep replaying the scene in my head. What would have happened had I not told them?
I feel like I deserve to go to hell for this...why is life so complicated?
-FCDH
Posts
There is no need to blame yourself for what you've done. I would have been rather proud( I know deep inside even you must be), but I understand your concerns you have about your mother. But, the truth is, it is very difficult to deal with a bigot. Because, it is difficult to make them see your point of view. Pardon me, but I think your dad belongs to that group. And the sad part, he is not alone. He is in the majority. People use weird terms such as 'queer'. I say queer with respect to what? There are so many things in life to be worried about - how an individual wants to live his life should be his and only his right. I find people's insensitivity and the blatant stereotyping disturbing. I wrote this once after watching the movie 'Milk'. http://passionforcinema.com/the-times-of-harvey-milk-the-times-we-live-in/ . And I also wrote my major paper in RHET 105 about the rights of Homosexuals. And throughout the paper, only one thing kept springing in my mind 'These people are not even asking for love. They will even settle for a cold indifference. But, why this misplaced hatred'?
ReplyDeleteBtw, I like your honesty and the manner in which you have stood up for what you feel. That's the way it should be. There is just one life, and we should have no regrets. Live it the way *you* would like it to. The people who are worth sticking around will.
(If, you are confused about who I am, I met you in ESPL during one of the Formula Hybrid meetings! ;). Nice blog!
in response to your profile:
ReplyDelete"an university" should be "a university" because the word "university" starts with a consonant sound, yoo-, for the consonant y.
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/540/01/
5 languages are not easy to master in great detail. I had to look this error up because I was not even sure if it was wrong or not. Happy blogging with correct indefinite article usage!