Obsession

Hi Readers,

I have talked about being scared of zombie invasions in the past, and recently I have been taking "precautions", you could say. I find myself looking to prepare for any apocalyptic scenarios which may happen. I have stocked maps in my car in case one day GPS doesn't work anymore, water filter and tablets in case running water ever runs out for some reason, fire starters and flints on the ready in case I ever need to start a fire, and more.

I feel like I have always been fascinated by stories of disasters and dystopic stories where one must fend for themselves. Maybe it is kind of a rebellion against my upbringing, when I was made fun of for being so heavily  dependent on my parents. Nowadays I pride myself on not needing any material substances (including cash) from my parents in order to survive. But then somewhere along the line I seem to have crossed into the paranoid region, where reality is now superseded by what-ifs ans implausible scenarios that I still feel obliged to prepare for.

I find myself now recklessly buying stuff which is not really necessary for everyday use. The other day I saw a website selling a foldable saw, and I almost bought it. Why in the world would I need a foldable saw? But yet I feel this strange urge to continue the buying spree. Perhaps I am becoming more American now in my shopping habits. But then most Americans  probably don't buy survival stuff when they do go on shopping sprees.

Or maybe the apocalypse will happen one day and then we will see who has the last laugh! Assuming that I'm not patient zero and all...

FCDH

Reconnection

Hi Readers,

Today was just a typical day. Nothing really special, maybe apart from going to Facebook to eat dinner. I was stuck on a MATLAB problem, and had been stuck on it for an hour or so, when my Facebook decided to ping me with a new message. The message originated from someone I did not immediately recognize. I took a closer look, and realized it was one of my friends from grade 9 (would equate to freshman year in high school).

It is incredible how much catching up you can do with a person you had completely forgotten about just an hour ago. It feels so weird! She is still so bubbly and enthusiastic like before. It's almost as if time had frozen in place and now we are back in the same time and place. Place being in computer drafting class, where we'd waste a bunch of time during class playing stupid little online flash games during class.

She apparently has 2 kids now and has a degree in nursing. Didn't know that she had spent the bulk of her life in San Francisco either - quite an interesting life. It's amazing what Facebook can do to rekindle old friendships. How miraculous technology is!

Cheers,
FCDH

Mother's Day

I called my mom and wished her a happy Mother's Day. The call ended with her in tears because I still "refuse to get a girlfriend." Not sure what to do, if anything. Perhaps I should just put a time limit on our conversation, or when she starts asking about "special friends" I should just pretend that the signal is weak and that I can't hear her. Another rough year ahead in this arena, I suppose.

-FCDH

Take a Breath, Take a Risk

Hi Readers,

It has been a phenomenally long time since I have updated my blog, and I realize that. Not a week goes by without me thinking about it. But tonight, there's something I want to write down for future me.

Traditionally speaking, it has always been an extremely difficult thing for me to say "no" to anything. Whether it be to take up a role, take up some responsibilities, or something else, I feel the compelling urge to say "yes" regardless of what I am asked (within reason). It has led to some of the best things that could have happened to me. However, I have often found myself willingly walking into time traps which I knew would be time traps from the beginning. I attribute this to a lack of foresight on my part. But tonight, I said "no". And boy, it was a difficult "no" to say indeed.

In the past year, I have served as the co-chair of Stanford's Graduate Student Council. It was an extremely rewarding experience, and in the process, I learned a lot. However, it was also an extremely time consuming process, one which I told myself that I was not going to repeat again this year. I swore to myself that I would give it up, in hopes of getting more done on other things which I was more passionate about. While the chair position is indeed a glamorous position, it sure feels a lot more glamour looking in from the outside than actually being inside it. Therefore, as the election for the new chair grew closer and closer, I looked forward to shedding this leadership role from my burdens, and doing other things which I am actually more passionate about.

Today, one of the people running to be one of the new chairs asked me to run with him as the co-chair of next year's GSC. Apparently there was not a single other person who wanted to run for chair. It is hard to describe the feeling that came over me when I found that out. It was literally like I had to say "yes". I didn't want the position, but I also didn't want to GSC to turn to crap next year, so I really had an overwhelming urge to say "yes". I know that wasn't his intent, but for about 5 minutes I was scrunching my face and trying not to say anything affirmative that I'd regret later. I eventually managed to stutter out a "I'll let you know" and hung up. But it shook me hard. I had to sit for some minutes while the two sides battled it out in my brain, before my roommate knocked some sense into me. I eventually managed to write an apologetic email saying that I wasn't willing to commit to it.

I know what happens when I bite off more than I can chew. I end up performing poorly on all the responsibilities I have, by trying to balance time between everything. But even knowing that, I want to take on the responsibilities anyways. I guess I am afraid that other people may do a crappy job with what they are given (which, ironically, is what happens to me). Given a choice, it seems I'd rather take on all these responsibilities and let all the potential crumble to dust, than to leave the opportunity for someone else who may do a better job. I wonder if it's a trait that I've been brought up with - to think of yourself over the greater good, or to go with the known instead of taking a risk with the unknown.

Today's a good start to changing this destructive behavior of mine. I said "no" to the position, and I am feeling better about that decision with every minute that passes. Even if the new chairs turn out to be horrible, it won't be my fault for not running. It's out of my hands now. Maybe in the future I will be able to say "no" more often and take more risks.

-FCDH

Insomnia

It's the night before the convex optimization final exam, and somehow I cannot sleep. It is probably the sheer amount of caffeine that I consumed tonight.

For some odd reason, I cannot stop thinking about my parents tonight. I am so troubled by what will happen to our relationship in the years to come. My dad, being the type of person he is, may likely never accept me as a son again post the coming out process. What will happen when he retires from work? We live thousands of miles apart from each other; a good son would take care of the parents when he has the means to do so. Yet I cannot reconcile between my duties as a son and my duties to myself. Am I supposed to move them to America? Move back to Taiwan? Does it even matter, if I can never fulfill their dreams of marrying a wife and starting a family? My parents have sacrificed their whole lives for other people - for my grandparents, and for my sister and I. Their time to sacrifice should be over, yet I cannot fathom how I can make their lives better without turning my back on myself and who I am.

The thought of my family makes me so miserable. I hate feeling helpless. Like I feel for this exam right now.

-FCDH

Reminder

What is wrong with me? I love life. This is not me.

I'm so conflicted.

Can't I just start over again? I'm losing it.

Surprisingly, the physical effort of rearranging my mouth into a smile actually helps.

So do the GSC election candidate numbers. We've done it.

Get back into that locked box, you monster.

A Safari through Kenya

Hi Readers,

We are currently on the way back to Nairobi from our 6-day long safari.  I had never really done my research about the safari beforehand, so I had no idea that the animals would be so far away from the car. Therefore, I was ill equipped with a camera with bad zoom capabilities. However, my partner in crime GS had a nice camera, so I outsourced most of the phototaking to him. In return, he gets my underwater pictures from our snorkeling trip, so I guess its a fair enough trade?

We had planned a 6 day long safari, to ensure that we see as many animals and parks as possible. Most people do a 3 or 4 day safari, and their destination is usually the parks of Lake Nakuru, and Masai Mara, both of which are relatively near Nairobi. However, as we were starting the safari in Mombasa city, on the coast, we decided on adding in 2 more parks near Mombasa, which are Tsavo East and Amboseli. We split up the trip into one day in each park, and 3 days in Masai Mara.

We were initially unsure what exactly the lodging would be. It turned out that every single park has lodges or eco-camps inside, where we would be based while exploring that park. The amenities were generally very nice, though there were so many mosquitoes everywhere that I was glad for my anti-malarial medicine. Every meal was a buffet, and I can never resist stuffing my face when faced with a buffet. It is a habit that I must change one day...

The safari van that we have is a simple minivan, like the ones that are used for the matatus everywhere here. You are able to undo a latch and push the entire roof up about 2 feet, allowing you to stand up and look outside. Our driver was a guy called Lucky, who is very strict about following rules in the parks. We never went off-road, even though a lot of other cars did, because it was illegal and the punishment is severe.

Each park has its own distinct personality and animal group. Tsavo East is a wet grassland, and has tons and tons of zebras, elephants, and giraffes, though we also saw a lion napping. Amboseli is a desert grassland with many water holes, so we saw many birds and elephants taking baths. Lake Nakuru, my favorite, is known for its large flock of flamingos. We also saw both white and black rhinos, as well non-napping lions this time! Masai Mara, the name of the world-famous Serengeti on the Kenya side, had a plethora of landscape and wildlife that encompassed everything we had seen in Tsavo East and Amboseli.

On a safari, people like to talk about the "big five" animals: elephant, buffalo, rhino, lion, and leopard/cheetah. Out of all wild animals, these 5 animals kill the most humans in East Africa, but the list has also become something of a checklist for safari-goers. We successfully saw all five, except not the cheetah. I was most impressed by the lions, because they were just so damn cute! The small ones were super playful and jumping around everywhere. The large ones would look around as if bored, and then flop their heads down (as if they had suddenly lost their neck muscles) to take a nap.

This was certainly a super cool experience! If I go again, I will be sure to bring a better camera!

Cheers,
FCDH