Exploring My Gay Side

Hi Readers,

While hanging out with my newest gay friend AO in Austin today, I realized something disturbing. It is the fact that we are both so similar and yet so different. We are both proponents of living life to its fullest and exploring as many activities as we can. We are both Asians (half-Asian for him) and grew up with similar Asian cultural beliefs about family and the way to do things. Both our families have rejected our sexualities and cannot accept that their sons could be gay. We both love to travel, and we both love to run. He's ran two half marathons, while I've ran a half and a full marathon. Even our running pace is the same. We both rock climb, and we've both skydived before. He's gone backpacking through Southeast Asia, while I've gone backpacking through Europe. We are both trilingual, and both of us have spent our childhoods in various different countries.

But, he's flamboyant and flaunts his sexuality openly, while I don't (according to most people). He's explored the gay culture scene wherever he has gone, while I haven't. He has loads of gay friends, while I don't. It's not the fact that he's a few years older than me, because he has already been like this since his college years, when he was the president of the gay Pride organization on his campus. It's not the upraising, because we have lived similar lives. I think it's the people that we surrounded ourselves with. He chose gay people as his support group, while my support group turned out to be mostly straight people. I thought that maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm an engineer, but I know some other engineers who work around that. It's probably my judgmental nature showing its ugly teeth.

I realized today that there's a giant hypocritical hole in my life. I proclaim to everyone that I love to explore new things and experiences and have no qualms about it. But when confronted with the evidence, it all points to the fact that I haven't explored the gay world and lifestyle at all. Through my previous posts, I've stood on the high altar and looked down upon the lifestyle of the people like AO. I thought (for some unknown reason and rationale) that the gay lifestyle was incompatible with the type of exploratory lifestyle that I want to live. Perhaps it was the fact that I hadn't seen any gay people to act as an example role model for me in how to live this type of lifestyle, but I outright rejected it and considered my lifestyle to be superior.

That myth is shattered now. I can't believe that I didn't see this inconsistency in my rationale earlier. How did I justify exploring every aspect of the world except for the part that I belong in? The gay culture is my culture now, yet I have never explored its depths. I guess I have always been afraid of rejection, either by the unknown-as-of-yet gay culture upon my approach, or by my current friends if I do embrace the gay lifestyle. It also didn't help that I am still self-conscious about my looks, even though people have told me that I shouldn't worry too much about it.

I am actually quite excited about this discovery, and a little bit ashamed at the same time. I wish I had spent more of my undergraduate experience exploring the gay culture. But at the same time, it is exciting to see someone that is living the life which I had previously deemed impossible (or improbable at the least). He has struck a balance between the gay lifestyle, and the active outdoor athletic lifestyle. I feel like a whole new world has been opened to me. Better yet, there is really no better place to explore this new lifestyle than San Francisco, which will be so close by to me!

Even if AO and I don't work out, which is likely, I will have him to thank for having motivated me to explore a brand new side of myself.

-FCDH

Leaving Illinois

Hi Readers,

First, a short update. Before my internship started, when I was deciding on when I should end my internship at NI, the internship coordinator gave me several choices of dates. Because of the whole visa issue that international students have to face, I guess there was some misunderstandings between me and the internship coordinator on the end date. I understood it to be that I was ending my internship on Aug 26th, while she thought I was leaving on September 9th. So I got a pleasant surprise the day before my internship was supposed to end. My supervisor said, "um, according to HR, you're not supposed to leave for another 2 weeks." HR offered me the choice of leaving now or on Sept 9th, and I decided to stay a little later in Austin to work a little more. As Stanford starts in mid-September, I didn't see a harm in doing that.

I had originally planned for this weekend to be my moving weekend, from Illinois to California. However, as I didn't have enough time to change around my flights, I settled for buying 2 extra tickets in order to fly back to Austin after I move my stuff into San Francisco. My itinerary was extremely packed, and essentially I only had 20 hours in Champaign to do everything that I needed to do. This included consolidating all my luggage, some of which were scattered around with several people. I also had to meet up with so many people that I couldn't manage to meet them all, which was a shame.

I was so worried about all the luggages that I had. I managed to pack all of my worldly possessions into three suitcases, and three carry-on luggages. But I was so stressed about getting all the luggages on the plane. Even though I had brought 5 suitcases with me when I first moved to Illinois, we had three people at the time, and the suitcases were nowhere near the weight they are now. This time, the three suitcases weighed 60, 70, and 80 lbs, respectively. But thank god I chose to fly Virgin America. I don't think I could have found a cheaper alternative to get my 5 luggages across the US. The extra baggage fees that I was charged came out to a grand total of $175, and this was for 5 checked luggages, with 3 of them being over the weight limit. Of course, this was only possible thanks to the help of Virgin America and their friendly staff. Their great service and flight amenities are incredible; I have never taken a domestic flight as good as the VA flight I am currently on.

It is still so weird to consider that I am leaving Champaign, most likely forever. All the good friends that I made in the last 4 years will all be so far away now. Sure, I'll be able to talk to them over Gchat or Skype, but it just won't be the same as the human physical interaction. The same will happen to the friends that I made in Austin this summer. Yet it still hasn't really hit me yet, not really. I feel like it will just be a short time until I can see them again. Somehow, the large distance that separates us doesn't seem that large anymore.

Perhaps I am finally maturing enough to accept the fact that life comes with change, and that we cannot fight it. We should embrace the change, and look forward to those moments where we'll be able to reunite with those that we have lost touch with. Though sometimes it will be sad to think about the past, it should always be exciting to start laying down roots in a new place, and to explore even more what life can offer us.

-FCDH

Expect the Unexpected

Hi Readers,

So this post will touch on a personal observation that I've made. Every single time that I have had any luck with guys, it always has been when I did not expect it. When I don't plan for it, things just seem to happen. Whereas when I do plan consciously for it, nothing happens. It is pretty weird, but I guess it kind of makes sense. Perhaps I tense up and get nervous when I do expect something to happen, whereas if I am not expecting it then I act more relaxed and enjoy myself more. Or perhaps it is a mental block that's developed there, I don't know.

This past weekend, I was suffering from slight withdrawal because most of my friends here in Austin have left. My last remaining roommate was, as usual, playing video games. As he always does. Usually I have other the other roommates to turn to to distract myself from his constant yelling at the other players. But for some reason I just couldn't be around him that day. So I packed some water, and set off on the bus towards downtown Austin. I didn't really plan for anything, I just thought about walking around. And so I got off at Barton Springs and walked through Zilker Park. I got mobbed by a friendly cute dog there, who ran away from his owner toward me, tail wagging at full force, and would not stop following me as I tried to keep walking without tripping over him (his owner had to come take him away while apologizing profusely). Things just got better from there - I guess it was a good omen.

After souvenir shopping for what I thought was my last weekend in Austin, I invited my friend CL out for a drink. She came out and we went to this place that had $10 Long Island pitchers. We split a pitcher and each had about 6 glasses, and in the meanwhile she ascertained from me that I had never really seriously checked out a gay club. So, armed with the fuzziness from the alcohol, she proceeded to drag me to a gay bar and then to Rain, another gay club.

The entire time I felt ridiculous - imagine, me wearing my flip flops, sweaty from the roughly 5 mile hike I did earlier that day, carrying a pack full of postcards and other souvenirs, going to all of these places. It didn't help (initially) that she kept trying to initiate conversation with other guys for me. She'd go up to people with her conversation starters..."what's that drink?"..."you have toilet paper on your shoe"...and then she'd introduce me. There were times when I just wanted to disappear into the ground. I was literally that embarrassed.

But at Rain, the guy that she initiated a conversation with (with the toilet paper on his shoe) turned out to be conceivably the most interesting person I have ever met in my life. He's half Japanese and half Puerto Rican, is fluent in English, Spanish, and Japanese, and is attractive as hell. =) He grew up in a military family and has lived in Tokyo for much of his life. We ended up dancing together for the rest of the night, and then before I left we exchanged numbers.

I went out to dinner with him yesterday. Had coffee afterward. Many hours passed in a flash. He is a good kisser. =)

2 more weeks in Austin. Who knows what the unexpected will bring in this time?

-FCDH

Loving the World by Yourself, Part II

Hi Readers,

Last summer when I was in Japan, I wrote about being self-sufficient in living a social life and doing the activities that one could do. This summer, armed with a cellphone (versus last summer when I didn't have one) and located in a city with a plethora of activities, I set out to explore a little bit more details of being by yourself vs. being with friends.

I am sure that most people grew up being around other people, whether it be family or friends. My hypothesis is that this makes us reliant on others for the activities that we do when we have the free time. But how this affects our psyche and our potential range of activities is an important consideration. This is why I want to explore this issue - because it may be a factor in our quest in living a happier life.

To explore this issue, I combined a host of activities this summer, both group-based and solo-based. I noticed a couple of trends.

The larger group activities were mostly about socializing, while the solo and small group activities were mostly about exploring. Both were fun, but I got a strong sense of limited-by-common-denominator when we hung out in groups. I would say that, through the group activities, I had more fun but developed almost no additional skills or new knowledge. We visited the Oasis as a group, where we watched an amazing sunset over Lake Travis. We went rock climbing together, which I guess developed the skills of other people but not of myself since I planned it. I also planned a group trip to go bungee jumping, which was really the only activity this summer that gave me a new experience in life.

As a person constantly in search of new experiences and knowledge, I found myself trying to put together various trips and activities that excited me. However, I had a difficult time trying to find groups that would be willing to go with me. It was for this reason that only one major group success - bungee jumping - emerged out of the summer. No visits to the Schlitterbahn Waterpark (the best waterpark in the US), no jet skiing or water skiing on Lake Travis, both of which were big losses for me. One question lingers in my mind though - why didn't I just go by myself? What was holding me back from doing that?

At the beginning of the summer, I though it was easier to embark on solo trips. Which I did - exploring downtown Austin's scenery and food scene, the rural Texas areas surrounding Austin, and hiking at Enchanted Rock. However, whenever I do go alone, why is it that I always think - I wish others could be here to see this? Why do I feel a slight tinge of sadness at being alone by myself when I am exploring these new things? As the summer progressed, it became harder to do things by myself. When many of my intern friends began leaving, it became even harder, and things just seems a little bit duller.

Being with other people in a group just seems right. It is probably a social norm that's been instilled into me by the culture around me. So I think that I will ultimately settle for doing things with other people. It doesn't have to be gigantic groups of people, but I think I need to be with at least one other person in order to have fun. I will probably end up doing what I did this summer, which is to plan events that I personally want to try out, and find some people that are willing to go with me. The problem is - what if nobody wants to come? Who will I go with for outdoor climbing at Yosemite?

A bigger question - as me and the people around me grow older, I'm positive they will all become more tied up. Responsibilities galore, essentially. Will I be able to find people to try out stuff with? How will I find my experience/knowledge fix then? My current supervisor is a good example of this. He used to be a daredevil with paragliding, rock climbing, base jumping, you name it. If it's wild and dangerous, he's tried it. But now? He has a wife, two kids, and he says he can no longer do any of those things. When I ask him if he misses it, he always smiles wistfully and says "a bit, but my priorities have changed."

Perhaps that's what being with someone does to you. You are no longer by yourself in the world, after all.

-FCDH

A Primer on Austin

Hi Readers,

After spending an entire summer in Austin, I thought I would write a blog post all about the awesome city that is Austin. So here goes.

The first thing you need to do is to decouple the words "Austin" from the "TX" that follows it on the address labels. Apart from the constant "y'all"s that are heard around town, I have heard from many Texans that Austin is very different from the rest of Texas. Politically, it is known as the blue dot in a sea of red that is the rest of Texas, and this is very visible all over Austin. The city has adopted the unofficial slogan, "Keep Austin Weird," a prominent sign of its progressive nature. The city is extremely liberal, from the environmental viewpoint with recycling, to its stance on gay couples (i have seen many gay couples holding hands and walking around town.) Unfortunately the Texas Legislature is trying its best to disenfranchise the Austin voters by dividing up the liberal Travis county's political influence among its conservative neighboring counties. However, it does not diminish Austin's star power by much.

In terms of entertainment and recreation, Austin is unparalled in the breadth of activities that it offers. Among all the cities in the world that I have visited, I would rank Austin in the top 3. Tourists can stroll around the beautiful Texas State Capitol building, and watch the daily flying of the bats, as the millions of bats emerge from underneath the Congress Ave bridge and fly off into the night. The awesome Barton Springs allows people to jump in a cool natural spring just minutes away from downtown Austin. The Lady Bird Lake is right smack in the middle of downtown Austin, and it is a great place to go kayaking or boating. All along the lakeside and Zilker Park lies beautiful nature and miles of trails that run all along the lake. You can even stop by the Center for Performing Arts, where they will usually be having an outdoor concert on the vast lawn.

For a great shopping and dining experience, all that one has to do is to walk south along Congress Avenue. The South Congress area features many eclectic shops and boutique stands, as well as food stands and trucks that remind me a lot of the fun chaotic shopping experience that one can find in Asia. The food trucks are my favorite part of South Congress, as it feels like an outdoor food court, surrounded by market stands and serenading musicians. On weekends, downtown 6th street has the most amazing display of nightlife that I've ever seen. The entire road, which is surrounded by bars on either side, is closed down to vehicle traffic, and bar-goers crowd the entire road while searching for their perfect bar. Speaking of bars, Austin's live music scene really is amazing, as pretty much every single bar in downtown Austin will have a different live band playing at any time of night. It is always fun to just walk down the street and hear all the different bands playing, ranging from country music to jazz. Food-wise, there are a lot of great things to eat in the Austin area. My personal favorite is the Texas BBQ, probably one of the best foods that I've had in the US. My two favorites are Rudy's and Salt Lick, and every time I go to these places I always get at least 1 lb of meat to eat. It is somewhat excessive but I just love it so much.

But the most incredible thing about Austin is its surroundings. Drive half an hour north-west of Austin and you'll reach Lake Travis, from where you can watch one of the ten best sunsets in the US at the Oasis, or do watersports, or go to the water park at Volente beach. There are loads of swimming holes around the Austin area, which are all amazing places to chill for an afternoon when it is over 100 degrees outside. Just 2 hours west of Austin lies Enchanted Rock, a giant rock formation that juts out of the ground and makes for a great hike and viewpoint. Austin lies in the hill country region of Texas, and there are plenty of places to go rock climbing or to go tubing down a river.

Austin is such a great mix of activities that it is hard to imagine anybody running out of activities to do here, or being bored here. It should be a crime to waste your weekends on TV or computers here. I have done many things here, including bungee jumping, outdoor rock climbing, swimming, and of course partying. It is somewhat hard to see how Stanford and the Bay Area could be better than this summer in Austin. But I am hoping that California will be a lot better.

-FCDH

The Lack of Spirit for Service

Hi Readers,

I just realized that I never really mentioned in the previous posts what I was doing this summer. So I'll give a brief overview.

I am currently working at National Instruments in Austin, Texas. I am a hardware intern in the RF group, and I am currently working on validation and verification for some very cool things that are being worked on right now. When I tell people about my internship, the most common thread that comes up from other people is usually, "oh NI...don't they make calculators or something?" NO. That's Texas Instruments, not National Instruments. Even my dad said to me, "...are you sure that it's not Texas Instruments?" It is quite understandable, since NI is still only a medium-sized tech company, not like many of the tech giants here in Texas like TI or AMD.

However, even though NI is not a giant company, it is the perfect place to work. I love the people and resources that are available at NI for all of the employees, from the employee appreciation, to the culture of cooperation inside the company. I have heard from many people in different companies that foster competitiveness (such as Exxon or Intel), and I think I would not really fit in at one of those companies, because they lack the human element that makes a good team.

This blog post is just somewhat of a rant on human nature that I've been observing among the interns at NI. As I am currently the intern service committee chair, I am in charge of making sure that service activities happen. However, it is so frustrating to see the lack of desire for service in the interns. They seem just so apathetic to service work of any kind. I have heard the phrase here so often, "volunteering is just not my thing." Why not? You'll spend your precious time on Facebook or partying, but you can't even spare 2 hours to do some volunteer work? How misguided are your priorities?

The moment I fully realized that people out in the real world are selfish, despite their friendliness, was the first moment that I felt so lucky to have experienced Engineers Without Borders. I am so lucky to have been surrounded by people with such open hearts, people who dedicate so much of their lives to the pursuit of perfection, not only for themselves, but for other people as well. I feel like, through joining EWB, I have dodged a bullet. The bullet of apathy and self-centeredness. Though I understand that people have different priorities, I hate seeing time and potential wasted. If they are discovering the cure for cancer or learning new knowledge, fine. But to waste time on Facebook and then to diss service work as a waste of time, just makes me so angry.

How is it that, despite having 200+ interns, only 2 showed up to a volunteer event? And it wasn't even a boring event - it was taking apart computers and recycling their components. I would have expected engineers to jump at this chance. But instead I was disappointed yet again by the turnout. If it wasn't for the fact that so many full-time NI employees showed up, it would have been a complete disaster. That by itself showed me the citizenship that NI employees felt, and the culture of service in the company.

People are living life as they see fit. I respect that. But I pity these people who live a self-centered life, without realizing the fullness in living a life of service. In the Chinese proverb, they are like frogs who live at the bottom of a well and believe that the well is all there exists in the world. There's a whole world out there. If only people would open their hearts, and climb up the rope that leads out of the well, they will discover the joys of service, and welcome it into their hearts.

-FCDH

Harry Potter's Reality

Hi Readers,

On Monday, I went to the Alamo Draft House to watch the last Harry Potter movie. The Alamo Draft House is a famous place to watch movies in Austin, where you can order foods and drinks during the movie and then waiters or waitresses will bring them to you. It's essentially a restaurant-styled theater. I tried "Butterbeer" there, which was a weird mix of apple cider and other things (including alcohol). It was pretty good and weird at the same time.

The movie itself was visually awesome. I didn't see the 1st installment of the Harry Potter 7th movie, so I was slightly worried that I would be disappointed with the break in the plot line. However, the movie turned out much better than I had expected, and some scenes in the film were really awe inspiring. I walked out of the theater with a fresh dose of "I wish magic really existed in the world..." as I usually do after sci-fi or fantasy movies.

However, on the way home, a thought struck me - why is the book series so "perfect"? How come everyone can afford to go to school? Even the "poor" Weasley family could afford to send all their children to school. Sure, it was with hand-me-downs, but still - it's not about the haves and have-nots, but rather about the haves and have-mores. What happens to the kids who cannot afford to go to the magician boarding schools? Can they learn magic? Are they the antithesis to Mudbloods, in that they are born into a wizarding family but cannot use magic? Where are the magician homeless people? All we see in the books and the movies are people from the middle or upper class in the wizarding world. Do the less well off not exist? What about orphans who are not as lucky as Harry is?

I know that these are really not questions that are relevant to the actual story or book itself, but it does pose interesting questions for the state of children's novels, and the very nature of a book series. Harry Potter was originally intended for a younger audience, so from the very first books Rowling has made the setting very PG and moral, just like a good children's book should. The endings were happy and the messages that were in the books were clear-cut and vanilla.

However, as Harry and his friends matured, the series also began maturing for an older audience. The atmosphere became darker, good people began to die (more than usual), bad people began to escape, and the moral content began to become more muddy. Basically, things became less clear-cut, and Harry Potter turned into a much more accurate model of the real world. The Ministry of Magic began to model the inefficient governments in real life, people began conspiring and backstabbing one another, and even the very nature of the magic itself became more violent.

The metamorphosis of the Harry Potter universe from a palatable and childish representation into a mature and adolescent-based series is an amazing transformation. It is the reason why I can feel justified in asking the question that I do above - where are the homeless people, what happens to the orphans, etc? Children's novels do not usually instigate such social or political-laced commentary. The Harry Potter series represents a true Bildungsroman or character-building series, in more ways than one. The ability of Rowling to adapt her series is truly remarkable.

It really is the end of an era.

-FCDH