An Autumn Blossom

Hi Readers,

Here's a short poem to reflect on my recent relationship. It's only been a month but I find myself falling for him - hard. This feeling is something I can't control. I've never felt it before. I won't lie - but I'm scared shitless. And excited. Exalted. And a billion other things at the same time. Let this poem represent it.

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An Autumn Blossom

Has it only been three months

Since I felt as Lewis and Clark must have

As I began conquering the West

Absorbing new sensations

Building them into my soul

How could I have seen

Your warm embrace

Those piercing eyes 

From which I cannot escape

Infected by that smile

Now that I have been drawn

Inextricably as if by the Siren's call

Neither work or anything else

Feel complete without you

The cure for my daydreams

I don't know what to do

My walls have come down

Am I just naive to believe

That you may be the one?

Is this the path everyone must walk?

Even if it is a fleeting blossom

May this snapshot preserve its state

So when I look at it in the depths of winter

I will remember treasured times

When I felt truly complete.

-FCDH
11/23/2011

The Free Food Bible

Hi Readers,

I am taking a break from my homework on noise processes. Because even though I've spent 5 hours on it, I have made nil progress. As in, I still have no idea how to approach the problem. Blah. The white board in lab is littered with my equations, each of which hit a dead end. Nope, no idea.

So here's one interesting note about how I eat here at Stanford. Most of the dinners that I eat during the week are free. This is because Silicon Valley companies and startups love to flood Stanford with info sessions, each of which comes with free food. At the U of I, it was (comparatively) very hard to eat for free; if you did get free food, there was a 99% chance it was pizza.

This is not true of Stanford. Here, our info sessions have a smorgasbord of food. In a short span of 2 months, I've seen the following appear at info sessions: Thai, Mediterranean, Chinese, Mexican, American (sandwiches), Italian, pizza, and burgers. Most of the time, you can stuff your face and not have to worry about the food running out for other people. It is quite a luxury. But there is an art to free-food hopping!

Though the frequency of the sessions have been dying out as the recruitment cycle slowly comes to an end, throughout the first month and a half of classes, you could predictably count on at least 2 meals a day. There was always a lunch session at noon, followed by 2 afternoon/evening sessions at 5pm and 6:30pm. There would be a million emails sent out about the sessions, so everyone on the mailing list knew  about them.

There are two types of people that hit up these sessions. The first type is people who actually want a job or internship. These flood to the high-profile companies such as Google, Microsoft, Yahoo, Facebook, etc. The second type is people who want free food. These flood to the lowest-profile companies they can find, where there is always guaranteed to be food no matter how late you walk in. I am a type 2, and as many type 2s, I hate going to a type 1 situation because the food will always run out super quickly. Then you're stuck between a rock (staying and being hungry) and a hard place (loudly shuffling out of the room during the presentation to dirty looks from people).

Here are some tips and basic etiquette for free food:

1. Leave your dignity at the door. If you're still hungry after one plate, stand up during the presentation and get some more immediately! Since grad students are characterized by bosons and not fermions, you will notice that you will create a domino "bunching" effect as others will see your audaciousness and copy you. Better yet, load up on a huge plate of food your first round. Just don't accidentally spill it everywhere. And if you do spill, CLEAN IT UP.

2. Free food "etiquette" dictates that if the food is almost out, you should take less and leave some for others. Please feel free to blatantly ignore this rule, since you will never see it applied to yourself when the person in front of you takes the rest of the food and leaves you pissed off and hungry.

3. For type 1 companies, get there 10 minutes early. For type 2 companies, get there on time. The earliest you should leave a session can be determined by applying the minimum function to "halfway through the allotted time" and "first person leaves the room."

4. If the food is discrete and fungible (sandwiches, burritos), feel free to wrap some up and take it to go if it is convenient to do so. Again, check your dignity at the door. Food is your priority, and the dirty looks you are getting from other grad students are actually tinged with admiration because they wish they had the balls to do what you just did. Company reps actually admire students who do this, because it shows they are not afraid of making themselves look bad in pursuit of a goal. (Being serious here - I've gotten compliments before).

5. If there are lots of food leftover and you are not in a rush, stay until the end of the session and take the rest of the food trays home. If you go to the session moderator and ask confidently whether you can take it home, there's a 99% chance they will say yes. Voila - that's more free food to tide you over when you can't find any free food for the day.

That's all for now. This was actually one of the most fun blog posts I've written in awhile. And I'm completely serious with these 5 rules. If you want to eat freely and well, commit these rules to heart.

-FCDH

The Problem with Overthrowing Governments

Hi Readers,

With the election of a moderate Islamist party to power in Tunisia, no doubt many in the Western world are breathing a sigh of relief that the Hamas scenario didn't repeat itself in Tunisia. But with the upcoming elections in Libya and Egypt, what will happen there?

Better question: what can we do when the results are not to our liking?

America preached self-determination when it allowed the Egyptian regime to fall, and even provided the political ammunition for the Libyan rebels to overthrow its government, in the form of NATO. Now that these people have seized self-determination (and lost much stability at the same time), it is unlikely that they will consider being puppets to another foreign power. The desire for self-determination and human rights may be a commonality between American culture and other cultures, but the it is important to consider that both are a spread spectrum rather than the parochial black and white.

The overthrow of US-supported Shah of Iran in 1979 led to the democratic creation of the Iranian theocracy. This is not unlike the situation that occurred in Egypt, where Hosni Mubarak has been supported by the US for decades, in order to suppress Islamic extremism and give Israel some breathing room in the Middle East. Now that he is gone, the Muslim Brotherhood are poised for major gains in the government, a notion that already has many Americans worried.

America, along with much of the western world, lacks foresight in their decision making. They assume that just because something worked here, a one-size-fits-all model will work for everyone else. There have been many similar failures in history, where the Western heavy-handedness in treating less-developed countries has resulted in failure.  The Green Revolution actually decreased Africa's agricultural output, as countries abandoned their traditional successful crops and tried to grow "better" crops without success. 

The problem is, when there is no quantifiable result to measure the outcome, who is to say what is "better"? We can say that the Green Revolution failed Africa, but can we say that Egypt is worse off if the Muslim Brotherhood is elected? Are Libyans more satisfied now that they have democracy, even though it came at a price of widespread political chaos and violence?

Sure, to the people who are actually fighting and dying for a cause they are passionate about, such uncertainty is a trivial price they pay for their desire for positive change. But Americans seem more akin to computer gamers who are not actually affected by what goes on in the game. We live in an insulated society and have a relatively naive viewpoint of how the world operates. From that viewpoint, it doesn't seem like we should be dictating how other countries govern themselves unless people's basic rights are being massively violated without their consent.

-FCDH

Perfect and Amazing Stanford

Hi Readers,

So I have been slightly lagging in Stanford updates because things have been so busy here! The last few posts have been kinda depressing, but don't let that fool you. Things have been going splendidly here, and I will proceed to tell you about all the great things of Stanford.

I will start by saying that I was actually very worried about Stanford when I first came in here. Before I came here, some people were very negative about Stanford. Combine that with the horrible EE grad school visit, and I really had low expectations for Stanford. But I couldn't have been more wrong about Stanford.

I am living in a quad room, in a graduate dorm. This is one of the best decisions that I made with regards to Stanford. I knew that I would be lonely and bored all by myself if I was just in a single/studio, so I aimed for max impact when I applied for housing, and just aimed for all the high-occupancy rooms (quads, triples, etc). My roommates here are awesome! There's JN who is also gay and lives a fabulous non-stop life; RK who is chill and always down for whatever is happening; and AG who is well-read and claims he never wants to leave grad school. Out of all of them, I bond the most with JN because we have similar backgrounds. He's also extremely hot. Kudos to housing committee on roommate selection.

In only a month here, I have done more outdoor activities than in all 4 years at Illinois. Already, I've visited both Yosemite, the Ventana Wilderness, and I'm planning on hitting Lake Tahoe next weekend. This is all thanks to Stanford's hiking club, called the Redwood Club. The weekend trips that RC plans are really amazing and cheap! The Yosemite trip was a little bit of a letdown, because a week of snow closed down Half Dome, which meant we were not able to summit it (although we still saw Vernal and Nevada falls and hiked both the Mist and John Muir trails).

This week has been a completely whirlwind of amazement. On Wednesday, I headed up to San Francisco with some friends, to an LGBT mixer for students and alumni from Ivy League schools / Stanford. There, I met a Stanford professor who had an extra ticket for a German film festival on Friday, and who invited me along. I accepted, and so on Friday the four of us went to see a German film at the Castro theater (Joschka und Herr Fischer). After the movie was finished, the reception was held at the German Consulate in San Francisco. So we tagged along and got to visit the magnificent consulate, eat amazing German food, and drink German wine and champagne. I met a bunch of entrepreneurs, the film director, and even the German Consul himself. I got home at 1:30am and packed hurriedly, and tried to get some sleep before the trip tomorrow (I got 2.5 hours).

This past weekend's trip to Sykes Hot Springs could probably count as the best outdoor backpacking/camping experience I've ever had. The 12 of us woke up at 5am on Saturday morning, piled into cars, and drove south along the beautiful Pacific Coast Highway 1 down from Stanford to Big Sur. We then hiked 10 miles (mostly uphill) to the hot springs itself. The weather throughout was amazing, with nary a single cloud in sight. We arrived at the hot springs at around 5pm, and set up camp very close by to the hot springs. "Setting up camp" entailed laying down two large tarps and putting our sleeping bags and mats on it, because there was no forecast for rain at all. We then went for a long dip in the springs, cooked dinner, and went for a late night dip again.

For the late night dip, the others didn't want to wait for people to vacate the hotter spring, so they traipsed off to a cooler spring. VM and I waited for about 15 minutes until the people left, and we jumped in the hotter springs by ourselves. It was well worth the wait, and nobody else came by for the rest of the night. The entire soak, we just looked at the clear starry sky and talked about life. Despite only having met her 15 hours ago, we talked and confided in each other as if we were best friends. We left the springs after everyone had already gone back and went to bed. The sleep I got that night was the best night's sleep I've ever gotten outdoors. My new sleeping mat felt as good as a mattress, the temperature was perfect (60), and there were no bugs whatsoever. In the morning we woke up early, cooked breakfast, and then took a soak again. Afterward we hiked back down the mountain and returned to civilization.

Right now, I am considering signing a ski lodge lease for the winter/spring ski season at Lake Tahoe. If this happens, which I am 80% sure it will, I will very probably be heading up to snowboard at least twice a month. I am very excited and hope that everything will turn out perfectly.

My jubilation and infatuation with California has been akin to an exponential increase. The events that happened in the past week seem unreal to me. California is abound with opportunities that Illinois can only dream about. I am in love with Stanford and California. I can't believe I ever considered staying at Illinois for graduate school. I am seizing life right now as if there is no tomorrow.

Life is amazing.

-FCDH

Reflection on Last Post

Hi Readers,

So after taking some time and cooling off, I realized some important things. One, that I blew up the situation too dramatically in the moment. Two, that I was not giving my dad enough credit. And three, that I am being a hypocrite in the situation.

I am basically saying to my family, "look, this is who I am. I won't change for you, so you'll have to come to me." And I whine like a baby about the fact that they won't come to me. When I look at the situation from their eyes, it's the same thing. They are saying, "look, this is who we are. We aren't going to change for you, so you'll have to come to us."

Why should I expect that they will ever come to me? In my opinion it is a very self-centered viewpoint. Our priorities are completely different, and so are our beliefs. I am sure that both our sides look upon our arguments as if it was immutable truth. Their "righteous" rage is on par with my "righteous" rage, and this conflict may never resolve itself.

In any case, in the last communication I had with my mom, she expressed that she didn't mind the way things were going. She didn't mind that I was lying to her and to my dad, and to other people. She didn't mind the fact that she didn't know this side of me. In fact she doesn't want to know this side of me. It's simply the way she has been brought up, and the same holds true for my dad. In the Asian culture, there simply lacks this kind of openness in family relationships. Me bringing up this topic over and over again is simply anathema to them in many ways.

So I shall stop! I tried hard to get them to accept it, because I thought that everybody would be happier once that happened. But I guess I didn't think about the fact that the happiest they might be is just when they can just ignore my sexual orientation and treat it as if it didn't exist. So I guess I will continue doing the status quo and keep them happy, because I can't actually do the thing that will actually make them happy.

The whole coming out episode, starting from when I first told them last April till now, has been one long lesson in American vs. Asian cultural differences. I've lost a lot of my Asian-ness, and this is just another reminder that people don't think the same way as I do. Just because it works for me doesn't mean that it works for them.

That's all for now. Toodles.

-FCDH

My Father the Alien

In the same way that my dad has never understood me and never gotten to know me, I found out yesterday that I have no idea who he is.

If he actually goes through with the plan without my mother's approval and acceptance, I will personally pay for the divorce proceedings and move her to America.

Dear sister, please keep a close eye on mom for any signs of suicidal thoughts. I'm counting on you. Please be her beacon of light through this time of darkness, as I cannot physically be there for her.

Dear mother, please think about everything you have on this world before you make any rash decisions. I will never forgive dad if you do.

Why oh why must things be so complicated? Why is it that those I love the most are the ones hurt by my decisions? By something that I can't even control?

Dear father, what happened to the man my mother fell in love with? I wish you would set your priorities straight and look at the extremely fragile ties you have left in this world. Please stop being blinded by the irrational rage and come to your senses.

I'm so fucking ashamed of my dad for even considering it. I cannot believe we are related in any way.

If you are reading this post please do not ask me about it or even bring it up. I am serious.

I need to believe this story can have a happy ending. Life is so fucked up otherwise. 

I need to believe that I didn't fuck up the entire family.

It's Over

I just tried one last time to get my parents to come around on homosexuality. As of this post I am forevermore giving up on my quest to have them come around. Let them come to me, if they ever do. The disappointment lies heavy in the pit of my stomach.

There's nothing else I want to do. It's over. My family is in shambles. One more blow and it'll disintegrate.

Mom, please be strong.

In the end, the only person you can really trust is yourself.