Step Backwards

I've been uber busy for the past 3 weeks, so there has been no blog posts. I don't even really know what I was busy with...I just didn't really have time to do anything.

I'm currently in day 5 of my trip to Colorado, for the EWB conference and for the fun-filled trip with Lauren. We spent 3 days in Denver for the conference, I spent yesterday hanging out with Lauren at Boulder, and I spent today with the EWB crew at Breck. It's been fun, albeit the after-skiing part is somewhat dull (everyone else except for me has been napping for the past 4 hours, since 6pm...I think they may just sleep through the entire night until the morning).

The trip's been fun so far, but somehow something doesn't feel right with me. In a short span of several days life seems to be losing its purpose again. I think it may have been the dismissive attitude that people treated me at the conference, especially when they found out that I don't currently work on any projects or have been on a trip abroad - ergo the belief that I haven't accomplished anything. Which I hope is not true.

I can't help but feel that they have a point though. I talk and rave about EWB - but I feel like I haven't really done anything for anyone. The only thing I put ahead of EWB was academics, but listening to all of the different people talk about what their chapters have done really makes me feel somewhat ashamed - the fact that I could have devoted more time and effort into making EWB better instead of focusing on my own selfish interests.

Why do I do the things I do? There was a time when I felt like I knew what motivated me and what drove me, and now it's disintegrating. The things that motivated me were knowledge, sustainability, and EWB - and now, I'm barely keeping up with the academic homework let alone going the extra mile to fully understand the material, I've been missing the SSC meetings because of lecture and I may not get to serve on it next year, and EWB seems to be drifting away from me.

I really don't know what to do. I feel like such a scam, getting praised by people for "all the things I do" and yet feeling like I've moved nowhere in life. I've always wanted to make a difference in the world, and to make it a better place. I try to surround myself with people who are helpfully critical of things that I do, in order to try and make myself a better person. But sometimes I feel like there's only so much I can take - to have people question the necessity of sustainability, the un-importance of organizational administrative work, or the uselessness of the knowledge you learn in college classes - before I begin to revise the things that I've dedicated myself to. And I feel like this is one of those points.

Perhaps tomorrow will be better. But for right now, I don't really know my beliefs, and I don't really care.

-FCDH