The Songs that Changed my Life

Hi Readers,

For some reason, I woke up today and thought that a cool post would be to write about the songs that have profoundly impacted my life and made me into who I am today. None of these songs are my favorite songs now, but they've all had a concrete impact on me. It's weird to think that some band somewhere far away was able to write a song that was able to influence your life, but I'm glad they did. Without further ado, here are the top songs that have influenced my life in chronological order of influence.

1. Numb, by Linkin Park.
This was one of the very first non-classical songs I had heard (the very first was Usher's "Yeah", in 9th grade)., and it resonated with me a lot. It very accurately laid out my feelings of growing up under the pressure of Asian tiger parents, and feeling like you're not in control of your own destiny. Before this song, I had always known that my parents were very controlling people, but I had always thought that it was for the best. Funnily enough, the song was such a big influence on me because it made me really depressed about life. Its non-conformative message made me into a more independent person later on, and also caused me to resent my parents for their controlling ways. Ultimately this song made me realize I didn't want to live life, being dictated what to do by other people.

2. Everybody's Fool, by Evanescence.
This was the first song by Evanescence that I heard, and I think it's one of their best songs. For this song, it was actually the combination of the song and the music video that did it for me. Watching Amy Lee live a fake life and be miserable in the music video was scary for me. It painted a picture for me, of what it would be like to go through life pretending to be something you're not, and keeping a facade to fool other people. In the Chinese society, that's essentially what you do. Whenever people get together, you always have to put on a facade to fool the other person into thinking you are superior than they are. You must look down from them on your fake pedestal and make them feel bad about themselves. That's a big part of the "pleasure" of these interactions. I always hated it - eternally being compared to other people who are supposedly "better" than me, never being good enough for anything, or knowing that your parents only want you to do something so they can brag about it to other people, not because they really cared about it. This song made me realize I wanted to live life as a genuine person and present my true self to the world, instead of living some facade and being internally miserable.

3. What If, by Coldplay
Oh... where do I even begin with this song? Probably the singular most important song I'd ever heard. I first noticed this song during the depths of my depression in my sophomore year of college, and it's a tremendously big part of how I became as happy as I am now. The important parts of the song talks about the "what if's" of life, and how we cannot know how things will turn out until we try them. "Every step that you take, could be your biggest mistake. It could bend or it could break, but that's the risk that you take...Oooh that's right, just take a breath and jump over the side. Oooh that's right, how could you know it if you don't even try?" The song really helped me to see that there is no "set path" in life, and led to my acceptance of my sexuality. When I finally mustered up the courage to come out to my parents, the lyrics "take a breath and jump over the side" were with me. It's still inspiring me, to base my beliefs and values upon experiences, and to try as many things as I can in life.

So there you have it. Three simple songs that helped shape me into who I am today.

-FCDH

Viva Las Vegas!

Hi Readers,

So some of you may know that I went to Las Vegas for the first time this past week. It was a 4 day trip and I went with my labmate and some of his friends. This blog post will talk about some of my observations about the trip and Las Vegas.

Observation 1: California's Central Valley is boring as hell.
We decided to rent a car and to drive to Vegas. (Sub-observation here is that it is very affordable to rent a car through Enterprise at Stanford. It's only $58 a day and we don't get charged the over-25 surcharge or insurance because we are students!) Anyways, because I was the only one who had a valid American license out of the 4 of us, it was up to me to drive us all to and from Vegas. Oh boy, Interstate 5 through the Central Valley was as boring to drive through as most of the Illinois highways. It was pretty much all flat and everything was a brownish yellow color. Even with enough sleep, I had trouble staying alert on the road. Thanks Starbucks, for making Frappucinos. On a side note, 10 hours of driving after 4 hours of sleep is not a good idea, especially during the stretch from Bakersfield to Barstow where all you get on the radio are country music and people reading the Bible.

Observation 2: California drivers suck at basic driving etiquette.
Illinois and the Midwest has really spoiled my expectations of highway driving. In Illinois, if you are driving on highways, you mostly stay in the right lane and only move to the left in order to pass a slow vehicle in the right lane. In California this isn't true. People love staying in the left lane. It's fine if they are fast drivers, but when someone is driving below the flow-of-traffic speed and insists on staying in the left lane...let's just say I don't usually get mad, but this is one of the things that get me worked up. This is only the tip of the iceberg. I will talk about GPS systems in a later blog (one of my pet peeves).

Observation 3: Las Vegas feels like Disneyland.
That is, if Disneyland replaced Mickey Mouse with people soliciting sex and offering you free limo rides to strip clubs. Other than that, this description is pretty accurate. The architecture is so blatantly extravagant it's mind-boggling. Walking down the Strip, you are greeted by pyramids, the Statue of Liberty, the Eiffel Tower, a giant bronze lion, canals with gondolas, and pirate ships. You see people in costumes walking down the street and kids in strollers everywhere. There are a surprising number of kids in Vegas. A number of casinos have amusement parks with roller coaster rides. There are buffets literally everywhere you go. The entire place feels completely artificial. In a good way or bad way? That's debatable.

Observation 4: The recession hit Vegas hard.
We managed to get hotel rooms for $14 per room per night. This wasn't somewhere far away from the main area; it was at a casino on the strip, right next to Caesar's Palace and Bellagio and all the other casinos. Vegas has a huge oversupply of hotel rooms and the prices definitely show it. Every single thing costs money at the casinos. Internet's $5 an hour, there are no complimentary toiletries, and no free meals. It was even sort of hard to find cheap buffets, until we discovered the far-flung casinos that cater to the locals. Hello, $7 buffets!

Observation 5: Great architects. Horrible interior designers.
Every single casino we saw was an architectural masterpiece. Most casinos we went into felt like a crypt. Why would they make the casino floor so dark and gloomy? It was depressing just to walk through most casino floors. Why use carpeting when you KNOW everyone is smoking (so your carpet eternally smells like smoke)? Why put so many redundant steps? I saw so many people trip over little half-steps in front of the bathroom or bar or something similar.

Observation 6: Slot machines are a joke.
I initially wanted to try slot machines because I believe they were of the kind that you yank and the physical force you use would determine how much they spin. But I found out very quickly that everything was computer-determined. You press a button that said "Spin!" and the computer determined how much it spins and when it stops. What's the point of the spinning then?? The computer might as well just flash "Win!" or "Lose!" as soon as you press the button. We were baffled by the number of people we saw who were hooked on slot machines. For me the slot machine lost its appeal as soon as it went from being stochastic to deterministic.

Observation 7: Engineering guys and Vegas don't really mix well socially.
We went to Vegas as a group of 4 guys. 4 international citizens, 3 grad students in engineering, 2 Indians, and 1 gay guy = not a very good group for clubbing for either gay or straight clubs. I didn't press the gay clubs because I didn't think they would have fun there, and they didn't really want to go to the straight clubs because then we'd be either the 4 creepy dudes not dancing, or the 4 creepy dudes who are dancing with each other. It was nice to wake up early and without hangovers though!

That's really all the major observations. Overall Vegas was a fun experience! I lost a net total of $2 at the slot machines before I grew bored with them. Perhaps when I'm rich, I'll try my hand at some of the card games. For now I need to save the money for grad school first!

-FCDH

Best Christmas Gift Ever

Hi Readers,

Last night my mom and dad called me. We hadn't spoken to each other for more than a month, not because of any concrete disagreements or anything, but just because we've been so busy. Anyways, we chatted about various things. Mom and dad updated me about their health and how things were going in Taipei, and I told them about finals week and about going to Vegas (will post about Vegas later).

And then my mom told me, "You remember that cup you got dad last year for Christmas? The one that said 'World's Best Dad'? Well, he uses it every single day now. It's a good cup for coffee." It was pretty much the last thing (within reason) that I was expecting to hear, and I was so taken aback that I couldn't speak for a moment.

I've always felt that, very deep down, my dad blames himself for all the wrong things that happened to the family. Being in a patriarchal nuclear family, he is essentially the captain of the family and charting a course for us. I'm always afraid that he looks on any 'failings' of individual family members as a failing of his leadership of the family. He's a very stubborn guy, always going for the "what-if"s and never allowing himself to accept failure.

Ever since I came out to him, I've suspected that he was wracked with guilt for not being there during my bringing up in Canada. He probably blamed himself for pushing me too hard academically, discouraging me from dating, for having to work in Taiwan while I lacked a masculine role model in Canada, or for any other potential "what-ifs" that he could think of that could've helped me become a heterosexual instead of homosexual.


I think this is the reason why that comment from my mom made me really emotional. I love my mom, dad, and sister, and the past few years have been so taxing on all of us from a family standpoint, that the statement was almost like a beacon of hope from their side of the divide. Somehow, the thought of my dad using the cup I got him and the message it contains, gave me hope that he doesn't believe he is a failed dad. I hope the fact that he is using the cup means he is embracing the message on it. Because he definitely isn't a failed dad. He has sacrificed so much for the success of the family, that he is far from being a failed dad. I sent him the cup because I do believe that he is a great dad, and it's time he recognizes that.

So my mom and dad may have inadvertently gave me the best Christmas gift they've ever gotten me: The hope for a stronger and happier family.

-FCDH

How I Fell for Linux

Hi Readers,

So I've recently made the complete transition from the Windows OS to the Ubuntu Linux OS. After being fed the Windows propaganda for most of my life, I've finally taken the Linux plunge. It all started more than a year ago, when I first installed a Ubuntu guest machine on Virtualbox, running on a Windows host.  Sure, that brief tryst only lasted 2 days until I gave up (mostly because I couldn't ever figure out how to get the screen resolution to work and actually show something on the screen). But it put a seed of curiosity in my mind, about the weird malleability that Linux offers. Then about 3 months ago, my Win7 began to act up. It would occasionally fail to wake up from sleep. Then it progressed to taking 10+ minutes to start up and shut off. I began to hate using my computer, because everything would take so long. Eventually I just got so fed up with it that I decided to reinstall the entire OS. But I thought: what about dual-booting Win7 with Ubuntu, just to try it out? I've thought about using Linux for awhile but never made the concerted effort to do it; it was as good of a chance as any.

So I reinstalled my OSes by dual-booting my Win7 and Linux, which was an adventure all in itself. (Creating all the bootable USB sticks were already an adventure enough). Then the true fun began. I quickly noticed that Ubuntu was faster than Win7 in a lot of regards, such as startup, or waking up from sleep. It was also much more reliable. It never had "blue screen" moments, and it would never fail to wake up or go to sleep, whereas Windows did sometimes. Eventually I drifted towards Linux, so much so that the only time I would use Win7 was to use either Mathematica, Matlab, Word, or Powerpoint. The Linux terminal began to feel really exciting to use, when I started experimenting with using the terminal to control my files. About 2 months in, Win7 began to act up again. It would fail to wake up from sleep, forcing me to power it off manually. And then the past week, it completely crashed. I couldn't get it to start in any mode (normal, safe, or recovery). What's worse, it crashed during one of my homework simulation sessions, so not only did I lose everything I was working on, but I couldn't even redo it because I couldn't access the Mathematica program on my Windows.

In a fit of rage, I wiped the entire HD clean, and told myself that the next installation I do will be completely and only Ubuntu, with Win7 running on Virtualbox in my Linux host. Or so I thought. Turns out, Virtualbox can't install virtual OS'es from bootable USB sticks - only from CDs. I tried mounting the .iso image on a virtual drive and loading that into Virtualbox, with no success. So in another fit of rage, I decided to put the thoughts of Win7 aside, and to focus on getting my finals stuff done first before tinkering some more.

And then Wine for Ubuntu popped up on my radar (because who can keep procrastination away?). This awesome program (actually more like a platform) is a Windows emulator for Windows applications and programs to function on the Linux OS. I had previously used a program called PlayonLinux, which is a no-frills attached derivative of Wine, to run Spotify on Linux. I clicked (someone dubiously) on my Mathematica setup.exe file, and voila - it successfully installed it. I wrote some basic Mathematica code and pressed compile, and out popped a beautiful graph of f[x]=x^2. Of course, the actual course was a smidge harder than that, involving extracting an .iso file and using the "sudo chmod -x" command to change the permissions of the file.

It's hard to describe the sheer satisfaction that emanated from me when I saw that graph pop up. The rest of the night I had a huge smile on my face. Yes, nerds ftw.

My next project? Getting Matlab to install successfully on Linux. So far Wine has failed with a cryptic message about being unable to find a file called dir.exe, which I am assuming is an incompatibility issue. But I've seen some clues online that it may be possible, so I will attempt it and hope it works.

But so far I love Ubuntu. It's absolutely awesome. =D

Cheers till next time!

-FCDH

The Music Cultural Revolution

Hi Readers,

Can you recall being moved to tears by a song? Not by the lyrics or the message, but by the actual melodies and harmonies themselves? It's a rare accomplishment when it happens, but when it does, it is magical. You don't know how or why you're crying, you just know that there are tears in your eyes.

When I listened to Ravel's Piano Concerto for the Left Hand during a concert at the U of I, I remember sitting there during the flute and piano interlude and having tears stream down my face. It was literally that beautiful. Others may listen to the same thing and say "meh", which saddens me because they are not able to experience a slice of heaven.

It is weird to think about how much music has changed in the last century. Traditionally, music has undergone leaps roughly every century. You had baroque music (Bach) in the 17th century, classical music (Mozart) in the 18th, Romantic music (Chopin) in the 19th, and Impressionism (Ravel) / minimalism (Satie) in the 20th.

However, in no time during history has music undergone such a revolution as between the 20th and 21st centuries. The piano and violin became overshadowed by the guitar and drums, and the regular musical structures that were established in history became obsolete as repetitiveness, arising from musical minimalism, became the norm. Operas are now movies, chamber music are now rock bands, and symphonies are now giant music festivals.

Has there really been such a radical change in people's psyche, that "classical music" (a modern term commonly used to agglomerate the music from the 17th century all the way to 20th century) has so fallen out of favor with the public that it is now looked upon as an "elite" symbol?

I personally feel that the cultural revolution that has stemmed from the availability of technology has completely destroyed the vertical hierarchy of the institution of music. If Tchaikovsky or Mozart lived in the modern world, they'd likely be penniless, with no ability to find a record company willing to take their songs, and no clubs willing to play their music. In technical electrical engineering terms, the signal-to-noise ratio of composer quality has degraded so much in the past century that the signal peaks are all but drowned out in the white noise. All we have left now are mediocre bands who are catering to our tastes and not caring about the foundation of music - the development of the melody, harmony, and rhythm.

Musical exceptionalism has disappeared from the vast majority of music. With the democratization of supply and demand for music, future generations will see the current era for what it is - the lost era of music. It's so sad.

-FCDH

An Autumn Blossom

Hi Readers,

Here's a short poem to reflect on my recent relationship. It's only been a month but I find myself falling for him - hard. This feeling is something I can't control. I've never felt it before. I won't lie - but I'm scared shitless. And excited. Exalted. And a billion other things at the same time. Let this poem represent it.

---

An Autumn Blossom

Has it only been three months

Since I felt as Lewis and Clark must have

As I began conquering the West

Absorbing new sensations

Building them into my soul

How could I have seen

Your warm embrace

Those piercing eyes 

From which I cannot escape

Infected by that smile

Now that I have been drawn

Inextricably as if by the Siren's call

Neither work or anything else

Feel complete without you

The cure for my daydreams

I don't know what to do

My walls have come down

Am I just naive to believe

That you may be the one?

Is this the path everyone must walk?

Even if it is a fleeting blossom

May this snapshot preserve its state

So when I look at it in the depths of winter

I will remember treasured times

When I felt truly complete.

-FCDH
11/23/2011

The Free Food Bible

Hi Readers,

I am taking a break from my homework on noise processes. Because even though I've spent 5 hours on it, I have made nil progress. As in, I still have no idea how to approach the problem. Blah. The white board in lab is littered with my equations, each of which hit a dead end. Nope, no idea.

So here's one interesting note about how I eat here at Stanford. Most of the dinners that I eat during the week are free. This is because Silicon Valley companies and startups love to flood Stanford with info sessions, each of which comes with free food. At the U of I, it was (comparatively) very hard to eat for free; if you did get free food, there was a 99% chance it was pizza.

This is not true of Stanford. Here, our info sessions have a smorgasbord of food. In a short span of 2 months, I've seen the following appear at info sessions: Thai, Mediterranean, Chinese, Mexican, American (sandwiches), Italian, pizza, and burgers. Most of the time, you can stuff your face and not have to worry about the food running out for other people. It is quite a luxury. But there is an art to free-food hopping!

Though the frequency of the sessions have been dying out as the recruitment cycle slowly comes to an end, throughout the first month and a half of classes, you could predictably count on at least 2 meals a day. There was always a lunch session at noon, followed by 2 afternoon/evening sessions at 5pm and 6:30pm. There would be a million emails sent out about the sessions, so everyone on the mailing list knew  about them.

There are two types of people that hit up these sessions. The first type is people who actually want a job or internship. These flood to the high-profile companies such as Google, Microsoft, Yahoo, Facebook, etc. The second type is people who want free food. These flood to the lowest-profile companies they can find, where there is always guaranteed to be food no matter how late you walk in. I am a type 2, and as many type 2s, I hate going to a type 1 situation because the food will always run out super quickly. Then you're stuck between a rock (staying and being hungry) and a hard place (loudly shuffling out of the room during the presentation to dirty looks from people).

Here are some tips and basic etiquette for free food:

1. Leave your dignity at the door. If you're still hungry after one plate, stand up during the presentation and get some more immediately! Since grad students are characterized by bosons and not fermions, you will notice that you will create a domino "bunching" effect as others will see your audaciousness and copy you. Better yet, load up on a huge plate of food your first round. Just don't accidentally spill it everywhere. And if you do spill, CLEAN IT UP.

2. Free food "etiquette" dictates that if the food is almost out, you should take less and leave some for others. Please feel free to blatantly ignore this rule, since you will never see it applied to yourself when the person in front of you takes the rest of the food and leaves you pissed off and hungry.

3. For type 1 companies, get there 10 minutes early. For type 2 companies, get there on time. The earliest you should leave a session can be determined by applying the minimum function to "halfway through the allotted time" and "first person leaves the room."

4. If the food is discrete and fungible (sandwiches, burritos), feel free to wrap some up and take it to go if it is convenient to do so. Again, check your dignity at the door. Food is your priority, and the dirty looks you are getting from other grad students are actually tinged with admiration because they wish they had the balls to do what you just did. Company reps actually admire students who do this, because it shows they are not afraid of making themselves look bad in pursuit of a goal. (Being serious here - I've gotten compliments before).

5. If there are lots of food leftover and you are not in a rush, stay until the end of the session and take the rest of the food trays home. If you go to the session moderator and ask confidently whether you can take it home, there's a 99% chance they will say yes. Voila - that's more free food to tide you over when you can't find any free food for the day.

That's all for now. This was actually one of the most fun blog posts I've written in awhile. And I'm completely serious with these 5 rules. If you want to eat freely and well, commit these rules to heart.

-FCDH