Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas / Feliz Navidad / Joyeux Noel / Frohe Weihnachten / 聖誕節快樂!!

Today, I celebrated my first American Christmas with Katrina's family. She came by around noon and picked me up, and we went to her house over on the other side of town. Her entire family was there, and I had an extremely fun time. For presents, we played white elephant, and I bought an aromatic flowering tea set, which her cousin seemed to enjoy a lot. In return, I got a coffee set from a Chicago coffee shop called "Intelligentsia", which I really enjoyed (both because I studied Russian history extensively in high school, and also because I love coffee in general). =D. I also ate a LOT of food...and took some away as well. And watched A Christmas Story for the first-ish time (I've seen little clips here and there but never the whole thing). Overall, it was a very awesome experience, Katrina's family is really fun to hang with.

Now I'm just kinda relaxing at home while trying to stay out of a second food coma (I had passed out once after getting home already). I'm enjoying the snow and ice that's outside right now...THATS what I wanted Christmas to be (no sarcasm). =D

Hope everyone I love and care about is doing well. Merry Christmas to all!

-FCDH

My Dysfunctional Family

Many people have asked me how I could be so callous about my family. Indeed, I do feel somewhat disconnected from my family. My relationship with my family is somewhat complicated, especially with my life history and weird family dynamics. Out of my 20 years in life, I've spent 18 with my mom, 15 with my sister, and 9 with my dad. Even right now, my dad works in Thailand, my sister works in China, and my mom lives in Taiwan, while I'm in the US. I think my family's one of the most disjointed families out there (I have not yet met another person with every member of their family in a different country). We are also a very traditional patriarchal Chinese family, with power and control resting primarily in the hands of my dad.

In my earliest memories of life in Taiwan, the bad memories outnumber the good memories by a pretty big margin. In fact, when I look back now, some of the instances might represent child abuse situations. I remember being in gr.1, getting something like a 99% or 98% on a math test, and being beaten by my dad for it. I remember getting beaten by my mom for going to a friend's house after school (that one I could understand, I didn't tell her beforehand that I was going so she was worried). I also remember getting beaten by my sister for taking too long in the shower. In general, I remember getting beaten a lot. I was pressured to play the piano, do absolutely perfect in school, take on speed reading classes and mental math classes, and other crap as well. At the time, I wasn't bitter, I was just numb. Life was depressing, and I didn't have any real friends that I could remember (apart from 1 person that I met in piano class who I've known for 15 years and counting =D).

Even after I moved to Canada, my dad still controlled the puppet strings of the family. I hated talking on the phone with him, because he would always preface the conversation with "so how is math and science?" Never anything else, even today. He reminds me of the Communist Party in China...he was always one to shoot down any traces of free thought or nonconformity in the family. It never really was "my future", it was always "his future". So in my high school years, I did what he had done: study hard, be a nerd, and get straight A's. I went to the university he chose, and into the major he chose for me. In some ways, I love him for it, because it contributed to who I am today. In other ways, I hate him for it, because I can never know what would have happened otherwise, and I will never know now.

When I say that family doesn't mean much to me, that's not completely true. I love my family, and everything that they've done to get me to where I am today. When I say that family does not mean much to me, I mean that my family's opinion and thoughts really don't mean anything to me now. All thanks to study abroad and interning abroad.

In my entire life, my dad and I had one real father-to-son conversation, where he actually LISTENED to what I was saying instead of just saying what he thought. It was in my sophomore year, when I was thinking about going to Tunisia to intern with Shell. It was just a musing on my part, I didn't actually pursue it seriously. He attempted to shoot the idea down as usual, except I countered with rational arguments to every point that he had. At the end, we were both so mad at each other, and he basically said "ok you can go but you won't be my son anymore," at which point I started crying and I hanged up on him. From that point on, even after he called to apologize, I just stopped caring about what he thought.

My sister and mom tried to do the same thing a week later, except with my musings of semester-long study abroad in Germany. My sister threw arguments about me using up the family savings on my college education, and I threw back her incredibly wasteful purchase of a new 3 bedroom apartment just for herself. Eventually she said "hey here's a thought. Why don't you stop taking money from us and start earning your own way and see how you like it?" At which point I said "fine with me. I'll take out student loans myself and make it through college. But I won't be calling this family my family anymore." At which point my sister went silent, my mom started crying, and I hanged up the phone. And that was when I stopped caring about the rest of my family.

I've already seen the results of following my dad's path, in my sister. She's missed out on so much in life, and I feel bad for her, but I'm not going to make the same mistake. I know I'm justified in wanting to live life my own way, and not anybody else's way. If it were not for the Chinese belief of filial devotion to parents, I would have severed this relationship long ago. As it is, my current path is diverging with that of my family, but I'm tired of walking their money-centric path. I don't care about getting filthy rich like my family wants, I just want to live a full life, something which only time can buy. So there, that's my history with my family...do you think I'm justified in feeling what I feel?

-FCDH

The Biggest Failure of the Republican Party

For any rational person, one does not have to look far to see that the American democratic system is corrupted, not blatantly with money or bribes (though there are arguments here that could be made), but with incompetence and a surprising amount of idiocy. We don't have to look very far at all...just look at the current Republican Party. Once the party of Lincoln, now the party of Sarah Palin. At the same time, the political structure of the USA seems to have settled down for the time being into two bipolar components: the Republican "Right", and the Democratic "Left". Any person who is up-to-date on current politics will know this.

The geopolitical structure in the US is so polarizing, in fact, that we've got nutcases like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck with their talk shows, and FOX news with their infamously biased news articles blasting blatant propaganda everyday. The Republican Party obviously does not support these views outright, as it would be political suicide to do so. But we only have to turn to idiotic remarks by GOP senators and leaders to see that their views correlate very, very well. There's always "socialism", "spreading the wealth", "elitism", "death panel", blah blah blah...such nonsense. And the GOP wonders why they don't get support from people with college educations.

The thing is, Republicans are struggling with all their might to cling onto anachronistic and outdated viewpoints; so much, in fact, that their message on key issues which transcend boundaries are lost in the clamor of things like anti-gay marriage, or resistance to action on climate change. Republicans need to face it: there are issues which are becoming almost prerequisites for support. To support gay marriage is one of these prerequisites...the argument against it is simply outweighed by the argument for it, especially in a secular society like the US. To base civil rights on religion amounts to theocracy, and in that sense Republicans are on the same page as countries like Iran and Israel. This push for "small-town America" support is also quite ridiculous, if not insulting, and it speaks loads about the declining American societal values. Palin's intelligence should be an affront to everybody who calls themselves American...yet some people listen to her brain-numbing interviews and actually believe she is a valid candidate for president. Finally, Republicans can call themselves "pro-business" or whatever (all the good it did during the Bush Era), but when one denies global warming as a fact and continues to prevent any action from being taken to remedy the emission of greenhouse gases, one tends to look EXTREMELY STUPID AND UNEDUCATED.

And therein lies the problem. I supported Obama initially, but I think what the Democrats are doing right now with the government is moving in the wrong direction. Healthcare reform should not be the top priority - reforming the education system should be. I had a talk with one of my friends the other day, and it was not until then that I realized what a black hole the American school system seemed to be, compared to the Canadian education system. On the war - I don't support the surge in Afghanistan, especially with Karzai as the ineffective president. On the financial side - I didn't support the bailout (it's absolutely ridiculous, the way the money moved from the hands of the people to the hands of the corporations). But despite all this, I would still pick Democrats over Republicans. Because they are the LESSER OF THE TWO EVILS.

That's the Republican Party's biggest failure: failing to present itself as an effective platform for the basis of ideas and policies. With opinions in finance, reform, and even foreign policy, there's a lot of leeway in opinions. With social issues such as abortion, gay marriage, the environment, or even the promotion of stupidity (aka Palin), there's a very small leeway for opinions. The Republican Party needs to wake up, retool its image, and present itself as a competitive party to that of the Democratic Party. They need to embrace intelligence, purge the negative social stigma that currently brands Republicans as intolerant rednecks, and only then will educated voters be tempted to vote for the GOP on the basis of more important issues such as finance and foreign policy. The Republican Party seems to be deluding themselves into believing that their current platform is actually competitive against the Democrats platform. It's not, because they don't even have the prerequisites to be in the competition.

America is a multi-party democratic system. The people need different parties, with different policy ideas, to choose from. The Republican Party's failure at this will slowly push the US more and more towards single-party rule, and further and further behind on education, as the GOP continues to blast their incoherent propaganda to the uneducated public in an attempt to remedy the situation. This will only serve to increase the dangerous disconnect between educated and uneducated people, and to make the US more bipolar day by day. I hope the day comes soon when the GOP will realize this, and I am looking forward to the day that the GOP again becomes an effective balancing force against the Democratic Party in US politics.

-FCDH

Life is so Gay

People always say that God does things in mysterious ways. But for me, and probably million of others like me in the US, I just have one question for Him: Why me? Why now? and Why this?

If you are reading this, here's a test of our friendship.

I'm gay. There, I've officially said it. Whew.

But why?? Why am I gay?

This question has haunted me for the longest time. For the past 9 years, in fact. It was so frustrating, to find answers for all the questions I've ever had, except this one. I hate its simplicity: 4 words, that can bring no answers, no respite, no comfort, no nothing. Only pain and grief.

I've been good at keeping my homosexuality hidden my whole life. I consider myself an expert in manipulating my outward emotions, the way I talk, the way I interact with people. It's definitely an artform, to silently walk among those who had no idea who you really are. To sound like you are genuine in your laugh at their joke about gay people, or to pretend like you agree with their views on how gay people are so weird and feminine. At the same time, feeling like a knife was slicing into your heart every time someone says something like that, knowing that one day comments like this will be aimed towards you.

But then, coming to college and finally finding hope! Independence from your suffocating family, from your old and dear friends, from everything that was familiar to you. A new start. A clean slate. But I was a coward, still unable to face reality, living in a delusional fantasy. Thank god for my friends, without you all I couldn't have made this journey. Even though you were all so shocked when I innocently slipped it into our conversations, the support and love I've gotten has been like nothing I've ever experienced. And this time, I know it's real love... it's for the person I am, not the person I'm pretending to be.

And now, I'm standing at the summit. I've completely accepted who I am, and my sexuality. I recognize that the future will be hard, especially with my conservative family. I don't know when it will happen, but I'm ready for it. I am...(can it be?)....secure in my sexuality. For everyone that helped me realize it, I thank you. I thank god every single day for surrounding me with such amazing people.

God. Now we've come around full circle. God, I know you've given me the challenge to test my strength. It took me a while to see it, but now I will rise to the challenge.

To ppl reading this: As I said, I'm secure in my sexuality. I know it 100%, so you could TRY to convince me otherwise, or to tell me how it's a sin in God's eyes...but I doubt you'd succeed. If you're feeling disgusted by this blog post, I suggest you unfriend me from facebook or quietly exit your way out of my life. I will be saddened, but that's just how the dice falls. Whatever happens, happens. Just remember, my hands are always outstretched to everyone, regardless of their beliefs.

PS: Good luck on exams, everyone.

-FCDH

Life and Death

I've wondered incessantly for awhile now, about the true worth of life, and about what life itself is worth to us. How do we judge how much life is worth? Almost more importantly, why do we strive to accomplish in life, when we know that we'll eventually meet each other on the other side anyways?

When you really think about death, and what it means, it's really not a scary thought. Death is simply the absence of life...when our senses fail us, when our cognitive abilities fail us, when our physical body leaves our control. People seem extremely shocked when I tell them that I've actually considered death as an option at one time or other. I don't really understand where this shock comes from...surely, there has to have been times when the disadvantages of life seem to outweigh the advantages so much, doesn't it?

The value of death, is that it frees you from having to deal with life. When ones value system has degraded to a point that death is the most highly valued option, then that's usually what happens. There was a time that family used to hold the highest position in my value system, whereas now it barely holds a position above that of death.

As I see it, life is about experiences and knowledge. The more there is to experience in life, the more things that lie between life and death. I'm constantly excited about what life offers, trying new things, learning new knowledge, and constantly pushing myself. Death is constantly creeping up on us, and the best thing to do before embracing death is to embrace all that life has to offer.

I've always seen death as eternal - a place where both perception and time do not exist. I don't believe in reincarnation, or heaven/hell, or any specified religious beliefs, for this reason. For me, we exist for one reason only: to experience all that we can. I realize that none of this may matter in death, but if death is eternal, then each moment spent in life is an eternity in death. So even though we all eventually end up at the same point in death, the route taken to reach the point is not the same. One person may spend an eternity longer in enjoyment of life than another person.

This sounds somewhat like selfish hedonism, and in a way it is. I do what I do, only because I love to do it, not for any external reasons. Life is too precious to do anything different. Through my bouts of depression, this is something that I've come to realize, and it is probably the most important thing about myself and about life that I will ever realize.

When you realize this too, you will understand exactly how one can change oneself, in order to benefit the most from life. I can remember a time when I used to be self-conscious, shy, and scared of trying new things. But now I've purged all those, for one and one reason only: to get the most out of life. And I'm still constantly seeking to weed out any remnants in me that may prohibit me from getting the most out of life, and to bring others into realization of this fact as well. Life is beautiful, and life is short. Life is too precious to be wasted. We must all change ourselves, the way we treat the world, the way we interact with people, in order to get the most out of our lives. There's so much potential that remains undiscovered.

I've lost too many opportunities in my youth already, but I won't waste anymore time regretting that. From now on, I will seize every opportunity that I can get to get what I want to get out of life. Love the world, love the people, but most importantly, love yourself and your life.

-FCDH

Transvestites and Sexuality

Today, I had probably the most fun class period I've ever had in college. In my Calc II class that I TA, the professor and I were chatting with some of the students (it was a free homework / discussion period) and somehow the topic drifted to Thailand. The professor said "oh you should be careful about getting it on with people in Thailand...if you know what I mean." The students were all like "no, not really...". So I introduced them to....Thai transvestites! (or ladyboys, as they are also referred to).

They are basically men who have underwent surgery to become women. One of the students looked up a picture of a ladyboy, and the students were all like "OMG I CANT BELIEVE THATS A MAN". So, what did we do the rest of the class? That's right...we looked up every ladyboy online quiz that we could find, and tried to identify the women from the...non-women lol. It's surprisingly hard...I'd encourage everyone to give it a shot lol. I'd never laughed so hard in class before, I was practically crying because I was laughing so much, and my jaws ached so much.

Here are some tips: if they look sexy, they are probably male. The converse is true...the ugly appearance ones in these quizzes are usually female. hahah.

But on one of the quizzes I saw the following comment:
"Dude, what does it matter if they're actually guy or girl? As long as they don't have dicks, I'll have sex with them whether or not they're a tranny or not".

This curious comment got me thinking: how does one exactly define a man and a woman? More importantly, how does it define the attraction that we feel towards members of the opposite or same sex? How does one define the sexuality of a transvestite? Societal perceptions are obviously very important in this, but...just how much do we hear about societal perceptions of transvestites?

If a guy got rid of his...equipment, and retooled his entire body to resemble that of a female, does that make him a girl? The moral implications of this seem to be extremely broad, and seemingly negative - should this be disclosed with any partners that the person wishes to have, does this count as misinformation, etc etc.? On the surface, this seem like a pretty clear-cut issue - it would seem obvious that the ladyboy should disclose their "real" selves, and be "moral" and "ethical" about it. Digging deeper, it seems to reveal a paradoxical consideration in my mind.

If a gay guy chooses to have sex with a girl, or if a lesbian chooses to have sex with a guy, would society demonize them for it? No...I'd say that society actually backs this choice rather than the "come out and let them know" version. So what makes it different for transsexuals?

It seems that somehow, the notion of CHOICE is very important in this issue. Homosexuality is not something that can be chosen. Transsexuality, however, is a different story. But the situations seem similar: a closeted lesbian chooses to have a relationship with a guy, or a ladyboy chooses to have a relationship with a guy. So what's different? Not the hurt that would be imparted on the unknowing person in the relationship, that should remain the same. If homosexuals can hide their sexualities (and be in denial) when looking for a relationship, it would seem that the same would apply to transsexuals.

But just consider these two statements, and what they make you feel:
-"I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a lesbian."
-"I broke up with my girlfriend because she was transsexual."

If you felt more negative/weirded-out by the second one, you're not alone.

I've thought about it some more, and I've realized that I can't come to a conclusion on why I should feel this way, why societal views on this issue should differ, or if there is a right answer to this question. I'd love to hear your comments, or feel free to stalk my blog silently.

-FCDH